Gallows Humor, thoughts opinions

Nothing funny about gallows.

Guillotines, however, make me giggle.

No problems here. I always thought this was pretty good.

An 87-year old man, on his death bed and in pain, smells the aroma of fresh baked chocolate chip cookies coming from outside his bedroom. He thinks to himself, "my dear wife must be making my favorite cookies as a sentiment to our final hours together." So he musters up what little strength he has remaining in his feeble body and drags himself out of bed.

Fighting off the pain and weakness, he stumbles into the hallway, down the stairs, and to the kitchen door. There, on the table, he sees a huge plate of chocolate chip cookies, the steam rising from the plate, the chocolate chips still soft and gooey. He thinks, "God bless my devoted wife for giving me such pleasure in my final hours on this earth", and he then falls to the floor and crawls towards the cookies.

He gets to the table and, with the last ounce of strength he has left, reaches up with his hand to take a cookie. Just then, he feels the stinging Whack! of a metal spatula against his knuckles.

He looks up to see his wife standing over him, saying "Don't you dare touch those cookies you bastard, they're for the funeral guests!"

Not bad.

My mother in law talks constantly. Always bitches about other people and is completely oblivious about how irritating her constant negative chatter is.

One day she starts bitching about how her husband's health is deteriorating and how little he is doing to improve his health. She expressed concern that he would likely die sooner than she would like.

I got tired of hearing about it, so I asked her, "Do you know why husbands tend to die before their wives?"

She appeared curious and asked, "Why?"

I replied, "Because we want to."

Oscar and Mary were one of the oldest couples that met at the nursing home. Each night they would meet in the tv room with their wheelchairs side by side, watching reruns of their favorite programming from their youth.

As their relationship grew, things became physical. Mary would bring a blanket, which they both shared.

Under the blanket, Mary would reach across into Oscar's lap and would hold his penis in her hands.

They both seemed happy and content with this relationship, which they maintained for several weeks.

One day Mary found that Oscar didn't show up for their nightly tv viewing. She didn't think much of it, speculating that maybe he simply didn't feel well. He didn't show up the following night either and again she dismissed it as excusable, being confident in their special relationship.

When he didn't show up again on the third night, she began to worry. She wheeled herself around the hallways, desperately searching for him, and praying that she would find him safe and healthy.

As she rounded a corner, Mary noticed Oscar wheel himself into a room bearing his name outside the door.

"Oscar!", she exclaimed. "I've been worried about you. Where have you been?"

"Well Mary", he replied. "I guess I should tell you the truth. You see, I found someone else. She's in a wheelchair too. She's the same age as you, just as smart as you, and just as beautiful."

"Does she also hold your penis?", Mary asked.

"Yep"

"Well Oscar, if she's everything I am, what could she possibly have that I don't have?"

Oscar smirked and replied, "Parkinsons"

Gallows humor is like food. Not everybody gets it.