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re: "Every book is a children's book...
Posted on 6/17/15 at 12:09 am to lsufan9193969700
Posted on 6/17/15 at 12:09 am to lsufan9193969700
" I used to do drugs, I mean I still do, but I used to too"
1
Posted on 6/17/15 at 12:19 am to sabes que
With a stop light, green means 'go' and yellow means 'slow down'. With a banana, however, it is quite the opposite. Yellow means 'go', green means 'whoa, slow down', and red means 'where the heck did you get that banana?'
Posted on 6/17/15 at 12:20 am to lsufan9193969700
"Sure, heroin and cocaine sound like a good idea for a person with a known heart defect."
- Mitch Hedberg, probably
- Mitch Hedberg, probably
Posted on 6/17/15 at 12:36 am to Byron Bojangles III
Never heard that one 
Posted on 6/17/15 at 12:57 am to lsufan9193969700
I told the crowd last night to frick off, but then I felt bad, so I said "All right, frick back on."
Posted on 6/17/15 at 12:59 am to lsufan9193969700
I like refried beans. I wanna try fried beans because maybe we're just wasting time.
Posted on 6/17/15 at 12:59 am to lsufan9193969700
THAT TREE IS FAR AWAY!!
Posted on 6/17/15 at 1:00 am to lsufan9193969700
Do you want a frozen banana?
Nah....but I want a regular banana for later...so....yea
Nah....but I want a regular banana for later...so....yea
Posted on 6/17/15 at 1:02 am to DeathValley85
I like baked potatoes, but they take so long. Sometimes I'll put a potato in the oven even if I don't want one, because by the time it's done, who knows..
This post was edited on 6/17/15 at 1:02 am
Posted on 6/17/15 at 1:56 am to lsufan9193969700
When I was a kid, I had an ant farm......those little frickers didn't grow shite!
Posted on 6/17/15 at 2:12 am to lsufan9193969700
Is a hippopotamus a hippopotamus... or a really cool opotamus?
Posted on 6/17/15 at 2:16 am to Jackie Chan
bush, party of 3. Yeah... what happened to the Dufrenes? No one seems to give a shite. Who can eat at a time like this? People are missing! You frickers are selfish. The Dufrenes are in someone's trunk right now, with duct tape over their mouths. And they're hungry - that's a double whammy. We need help. bush, search party of 3! You can eat once you find the Dufrenes.
Posted on 6/17/15 at 6:28 am to Alan Garner
I was going to get my teeth whitened then I say Aw frick it ill just get a tan instead!
I like rice. Its great when your hungry and you want 2000 of something.
The other day I bought a donut and the lady asked me if I wanted the receipt. I said no because I cant imagine a scenario where Id be forced to prove I bought the donut. Theres no need to bring ink and paper into this.
I like rice. Its great when your hungry and you want 2000 of something.
The other day I bought a donut and the lady asked me if I wanted the receipt. I said no because I cant imagine a scenario where Id be forced to prove I bought the donut. Theres no need to bring ink and paper into this.
Posted on 6/17/15 at 6:36 am to sabes que
-I hope the next time I move I get a real easy phone number, something that's real easy to remember. Something like two two two two two two two. I would say "Sweet." And then people would say "Mitch, how do I get a hold of you?" I'd say "Just press two for a while and when I answer, you will know you have pressed two enough
-You know they call corn-on-the-cob "corn-on-the-cob," right? But that's how it comes out of the ground, man. They should call that "corn", and they should call every other version "corn-off-the-cob." It's not like if you cut off my arm you would call my arm "Mitch", but then reattach it and call it "Mitch-all-together."
Eta: reading through the whole thread is everyone else reading them in his voice with the inference and drawn out syllables? I'm going to be talking like that for the rest of the day now
-You know they call corn-on-the-cob "corn-on-the-cob," right? But that's how it comes out of the ground, man. They should call that "corn", and they should call every other version "corn-off-the-cob." It's not like if you cut off my arm you would call my arm "Mitch", but then reattach it and call it "Mitch-all-together."
Eta: reading through the whole thread is everyone else reading them in his voice with the inference and drawn out syllables?
I'm going to be talking like that for the rest of the day now This post was edited on 6/17/15 at 6:38 am
Posted on 6/17/15 at 7:41 am to LSU-MNCBABY
Man, fish are always eating other fish. If fish could scream, the ocean would be loud as shite. You would not want to submerge your head under water. Nothing but fish going "ahhhhhh frick. I thought I looked like that rock."
Posted on 6/17/15 at 7:55 am to PPL
"I feel animal crackers make people think that all animals taste the same. What does a giraffe taste like? A hippopotamus, I had them back to back."
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