re: 2017 NHL Playoff Thread: PENGUINS WIN THE CUP, Crosby robs Malkin of the Conn Smythe

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As with any good speech, the process began with research. I clenched my jaw and read recaps of the Penguins’ remarkable turnaround season. I grew nauseous as I dug through fawning profiles about enemies of the state such as Matt Murray and accomplices such as Phil Kessel. I steeled myself for a conversation with Pittsburgh’s villainous front office, from whom I learned begrudgingly about the commendable deeds this contemptible team performed in the community, such as restoring city parks and making their facilities more energy efficient.

And then I read about how Crosby gave teammate Trevor Daley the honor of being the first player after the captain to skate with the Cup. Crosby did it so that Daley’s mother could see her son lift the trophy just days before she passed away. I was genuinely moved. I’m a fan, not a monster.

Still, loyalty demanded taking the Pens down a peg. I offered a jab at Evgeni Malkin, who had been caught awkwardly snapping a camera-phone photo of the president during the team’s last visit to the East Room, in 2009.

At one point, a baby in the crowd cried. President Obama ad-libbed an apology for the dad jokes we scattered through the speech. “These are so corny,” he said. Good, I thought to myself; the Penguins don’t deserve our best stuff anyway.

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