The Unknown Writer - Florida Edition

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It’s fitting that Florida’s Jim McElwain coaches in a stadium called The Swamp. Like the herbivorous, semiaquatic rodent known as the nutria, McElwain has prominent orange incisors, a dim wit, and pungent anal glands. He starts shite for no reason and, having once started it, has no idea how to back it up. He’s been the luckiest coach since Les Miles, but on Saturday afternoon, the luck ended when Florida’s heretofore perfect placekicker hooked and missed an extra point thereby giving LSU a 17-16 win. Turning a Tom Petty song on its head, McElwain showed that even the lucky are losers sometimes. I couldn’t be happier unless every Gator fan simultaneously tore a rotator cuff while performing their tiresome “chomp.” It wasn’t all luck, however. After the embarrassing loss to Troy, this Tiger team rebounded to answer several crucial questions such as: ?Do other SEC fans prefer to watch their games on TV rather than pay exorbitant prices to crowd into humid flesh-pits only to be bored senseless during long, interminable commercial breaks and replay deliberations? YES ?Is modern football a war of attrition and a barbaric, sado-masochistic spectacle that would make Caligula blush? YES ?Does Florida’s turncoat quarterback, Feleipe Franks, have nostrils that make him look like Bullwinkle J. Moose? YES ?Did I correctly guess Florida would choose the predictably defiant “I Won’t Back Down” as the Tom Petty song it would play at the start of the 4th quarter? YES ?Was that last question the easiest question of 2017? YES I am not an ophthalmologist, but I think Derrius Guice has developed Kalnienk vision, also known as tunnel vision. On the rare occasions the LSU offensive line opens a hole, Guice no longer sees it unless it happens to be directly in front of him. His peripheral vision is gone, at least temporarily. I hope he regains it. Either that or he borrows Brock Huard’s eyes, the ones he keeps on the sides of his head. When you catch me recycling ideas from previous reports (see “Brock Huard”), you can bet I’m not up for writing. This dearth of inspiration is caused by “writer’s block,” an affliction to which non-writers are particularly susceptible. In my defense, I didn’t get a pep talk from Dave Barry, much less Duke Riley. So I’ll conclude with a few attaboys and a meh-boy: 1) Devin White has been the best Tiger player all year. He might be an All-SEC linebacker. 2) Donte Jackson has been quietly proficient. 3) A healthy Rashard Lawrence is a difference-maker. My kingdom for two healthy ankles! 4) Danny Etling doesn’t see open receivers and, when he does, he misses them. But he tries hard and if there were an All-Likeable team, he’d be on it. 5) Donnie Alexander is not an SEC-caliber linebacker. No, I can’t do it. I can’t end on a low note like that. So allow me to give two thumbs up to Mrs. Gardner for naming her Florida football son Chauncey. I too loved the movie “Being There.”

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