Auburn fans smell just like mildewed trailers.

It baffled LSU fans for generations, but after finally making a trip to attend an LSU/Auburn match up I was able to pinpoint the musty, foul odor.

Yes, Auburn fans smell like mildewed trailers.

It shouldn’t have been that hard to decipher due to the fact that Auburn, AL is more well known as the trailer capital of the world instead of the City where Auburn University resides, but the odor has eluded LSU fans for many years.

On our trip, we didn’t feel the need to mention it all, since they were more than happy to invite us to their tailgate and into their fine RVs while reveling in the unnatural smell. Actually, RV is an extreme stretch of a word choice, but we decided to let it slide.

You see, an RV to us normal folk is the same as an Auburn fan taking his 1978 Chevrolet Sierra, hooking it up to his mobile home, and dragging it to campus for 7 home games every fall.

Of course, we would never correct their usage of their trailers as recreational vehicles because we didn’t want to offend our tailgate hosts. (And face the wrath of the three-toothed Bubba’s, which seemed to come as a standard option.)

We stepped up the 3 feet into the trailer using worn milk crates as steps, which had seen better days, and the inside was almost indescribable. Worn yellow linoleum, and green shag carpet was intermixed throughout the entire trailer. Stained couches and a lazyboy adorned the room along with green-black (originally white in color) curtains, which hung across the windows. And the smell, the smell that had escaped my grasp for the previous 15 years, hit my nostrils with the full force of a sulphur mine, a sewage plant and a landfill all at once.

Initially, I was dazed and my eyes rolled back in my head for a second, but I quickly switched to mouth breathing as a means of survival. Taking quick breaths and holding for periods, which would make David Blaine awestruck, was the only way to stay conscious. I could only sit there, smiling and nodding, afraid of passing out from oxygen depraved exertion, while they showed me a family tree that cousin Billy Joe Jim-Bob drew up (that didn’t fork, I might add) as my face turned 3 shades of red, blue and purple.

Well, we could have respectfully declined their invitations, but we felt that by doing so would offend the hordes of fans that littered the campus. Scenes of the Deer Hunter flashed in our minds along with the sounds of dueling banjos, so we decided to err on the side of caution. However, nearing the edge of death, while seeing the most f’ed up visions a sane person should never see, was almost as bad.

The best thing you can take from my experience is to avoid the trip to Auburn at all costs, unless you like having your eyes bleed and all of your nose hairs singed in one single breath. (NOT fun, I repeat NOT fun at all.)

I think this may be why a lot of fans outside of the states of Alabama have decided to skip the Auburn trip altogether. If you do find yourself attending a game in Auburn, make sure you stop by your local medical distributor to purchase an oxygen mask and a few bullet tanks of oxygen to make it through the weekend. Also, it hasn’t been proven (yet) that a mixture of 100% oxygen and the 20-year-old mildewed insides of a trailer are not explosive when mixed.

It’s best to make up a good excuse (of which I have failed to come up with yet) if invited to their tailgate or point and shout, “Holy ####! It’s the f’ing BEAR!” This usually sends the Auburn fans scurrying back into their trailers and cringing with horror over the thought of 30 more years of having their asses handed to them in the Iron Bowl.

It's hard. I know. When you trying to avoid something, whether it’s avoiding from starting at the garish mole on the face of the Auburn Homecoming queen or trying to will the neurons for your sense of smell to somehow shut off, in the end, it’s virtually impossible. You end up staring at the mole and pointing without even knowing you’re doing it or running away as fast as one breath can take you. (100 ft.. I tried more than once.)

You know what else is you can do? Bring scuba gear. I know I mentioned the oxygen mask and bullet tanks of oxygen, but this is virtually full-proof. Auburn does have a marine biology curriculum. If some asks why you’re wearing full scuba gear around campus, just tell them you’re going to class. Yes, I know that you would then have to pretend that you DO go to Auburn, but believe me, the pains you will avoid will more than make up for the ice-pick jabs to the ears you’ll feel by saying it. However, I still haven’t figured how to get the Gate Marshals to let me into the stadium.

I think the local kids have already become accustomed to the smell. You will surely need to give your kids lessons on how to survive around the locals. (If you’re crazy enough to allow it.) You could pretend your kids have chronic nosebleeds, which require them to always have 7-8 cotton balls shoved up each nostril, or you could superglue their each nostril shut. Don’t worry, the 4 days (the average time it takes for the nostrils to reopen) of not being able to smell will be worth it.

Rumors abound that prolonged exposure to extreme mildew inhaling can lead to brain damage in children. Believe me, I’ve looked around (before my eyes started to water profusely) and the Auburn kids do look a little weird. It could be from generations of inbreeding. However, like I said before, erring on the side of caution is not always a bad thing.

I know when you go to Auburn, you're thinking: "Ahhhh. Here I am in Auburn, AL. I can’t wait for the smell of fresh country air,” but you will be rudely awakened and simultaneously knocked unconscious.

Be this a warning to all…

This post was edited on 9/18/08 at 1:05 pm