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Started By
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Any Good Golf Jokes?
Posted on 6/7/23 at 7:06 pm
Posted on 6/7/23 at 7:06 pm
One time Harry was playing golf with his wife and sliced his drive far right directly in front of a barn near OB blocking his view to the green.
As he contemplated what to do his wife came up with a plan. “I’ll hold the barn door open and you can shoot straight through the barn onto the green“. Harry congratulated her on her great idea. He took out his 3 iron, took aim at the green through the barn and promptly nailed his wife in the skull. She dropped dead on the spot.
A few years later Harry was playing the same hole with a stranger and hit the exact same drive in front of the barn door. The stranger said “How about if I hold the barn door open and you can hit directly through the barn onto the green. “Oh hell no!” said Harry. “ The last time I tried that I got a triple bogey!”
What you got?
As he contemplated what to do his wife came up with a plan. “I’ll hold the barn door open and you can shoot straight through the barn onto the green“. Harry congratulated her on her great idea. He took out his 3 iron, took aim at the green through the barn and promptly nailed his wife in the skull. She dropped dead on the spot.
A few years later Harry was playing the same hole with a stranger and hit the exact same drive in front of the barn door. The stranger said “How about if I hold the barn door open and you can hit directly through the barn onto the green. “Oh hell no!” said Harry. “ The last time I tried that I got a triple bogey!”
What you got?
8
Posted on 6/7/23 at 7:44 pm to TigerBR1111
The night before his wedding, John was talking with his best man, George. George convinced John that he should spend his last day as a single man on the golf course, so the two decided to wake up early and go play one last round together before John tied the knot.
The crowd began to gather for the wedding, but there was no sign of John. Minutes turned into an hour past the scheduled start time. Guests began leaving. Another hour passed, and the bride was in tears. Finally, John showed up 4 hours late to his bride sitting alone on the front steps of the church crying.
John looked at his bride, and said, "I'm really sorry, but I have an explanation. George and I went to play golf this morning, and on the first tee, George swung then keeled over dead from a heart attack!"
His bride, feeling guilty for being upset at John for skipping the wedding, said, "I'm so sorry, I feel terrible. I thought I was having a bad day, but your's was much worse."
John said, "Tell me about it. All day it was 'hit the ball, drag George, hit the ball, drag George.'"
The crowd began to gather for the wedding, but there was no sign of John. Minutes turned into an hour past the scheduled start time. Guests began leaving. Another hour passed, and the bride was in tears. Finally, John showed up 4 hours late to his bride sitting alone on the front steps of the church crying.
John looked at his bride, and said, "I'm really sorry, but I have an explanation. George and I went to play golf this morning, and on the first tee, George swung then keeled over dead from a heart attack!"
His bride, feeling guilty for being upset at John for skipping the wedding, said, "I'm so sorry, I feel terrible. I thought I was having a bad day, but your's was much worse."
John said, "Tell me about it. All day it was 'hit the ball, drag George, hit the ball, drag George.'"
This post was edited on 6/7/23 at 7:46 pm
Posted on 6/7/23 at 9:18 pm to TigerBR1111
A man was teeing off at Ballybunion when he felt a tug on his pants leg. Looks down and it’s a leprechaun. Leprechaun says,” Would you like to hit the ball directly into the hole from here?” Man says yes and leprechaun says,”Done, plus you’ll become the best golfer in all Ireland as well. But you’ll become impotent as a penance. Still interested?” Man says yes and it all comes true. One year later, he’s back at Ballybunion on the same tee and feels a familiar tug on his pants leg. The leprechaun says,”It’s a year later and you’re the best golfer in all Ireland. Has it been difficult being impotent? I really want to know.”
Man says, “As parish priest in Kildare, I haven’t had much of an issue with it.”
Man says, “As parish priest in Kildare, I haven’t had much of an issue with it.”
Posted on 6/8/23 at 12:53 am to Floyd Dawg
A group of lady golfers teed off at a nice country club. Just as they wrapped up play on the 1st hole and got rolling in their carts to the next tee box, one of the ladies got stung by a wasp.
In a bit of discomfort, she decided to go back to the clubhouse to seek treatment. The first person she encountered was the club pro.
Lady: "I got stung by a wasp. Any idea what I should do?"
Club pro: "Where did you get stung?"
Lady: "Between the 1st and 2nd hole"
Club pro: "My first advice would be for you to close your stance a little..."
In a bit of discomfort, she decided to go back to the clubhouse to seek treatment. The first person she encountered was the club pro.
Lady: "I got stung by a wasp. Any idea what I should do?"
Club pro: "Where did you get stung?"
Lady: "Between the 1st and 2nd hole"
Club pro: "My first advice would be for you to close your stance a little..."
Posted on 6/8/23 at 7:24 am to TigerBR1111
Yea, my short game
Posted on 6/8/23 at 9:00 am to TigerBR1111
A group of men finish their round and relax in the 19th hole. One of them ordered with a harsh, raspy voice. The bartender whom he knows asked what's wrong with your voice, you sounded fine earlier ordering a bloodymary. The man ordering says in a terrible sounding voice, we were waiting to tee off on number 7 and a group of women were holding us up looking for a lost ball. They let us through and while I was waiting on my buddies to hit I notice on the other side of the out of bounds fence a dairy with hundreds of cows. One of the cows had his tail up, but not using the bathroom. Felt this was strange and got closer and noticed a ball in the cows arse. I called the women over to see if this was her ball and raised the tail and said does this look like yours, bam, she hit me in the throat with a sand wedge.
Posted on 6/8/23 at 10:38 am to TigerBR1111
Moses, Jesus, and an Old man playing a par 3 island green.
Moses steps up and thins it off the tee straight to the water. Moses raises his arms and the waters part, the ball rolls through the lake, bounces up on the green and settle about 10 feet away from the pin.
Jesus steps up to the tee. Tops his shot toward the water. Ball hits the water and skims all the way across the lake to the green and settles a foot from the pin.
The Old man is next. Another thin one straight toward the water. Just then a fish lunges up and swallows ball. As soon the fish grabbed the ball, an eagle swoops down and grabs the fish. Eagle heads toward the forest and the fish drops the ball. Squirrel runs out and grabs the ball. Squirrel runs to the green and drops the ball in the hole for and Ace!
Moses throws his hands up in frustration. Jesus turn to the the Old man and says, "nice shot Dad."
Moses steps up and thins it off the tee straight to the water. Moses raises his arms and the waters part, the ball rolls through the lake, bounces up on the green and settle about 10 feet away from the pin.
Jesus steps up to the tee. Tops his shot toward the water. Ball hits the water and skims all the way across the lake to the green and settles a foot from the pin.
The Old man is next. Another thin one straight toward the water. Just then a fish lunges up and swallows ball. As soon the fish grabbed the ball, an eagle swoops down and grabs the fish. Eagle heads toward the forest and the fish drops the ball. Squirrel runs out and grabs the ball. Squirrel runs to the green and drops the ball in the hole for and Ace!
Moses throws his hands up in frustration. Jesus turn to the the Old man and says, "nice shot Dad."
Posted on 6/8/23 at 11:03 am to TigerBR1111
Fred goes to tee off finds his buddy who could not play
He gets paired with another golfer. As they are playing Fred is telling the stranger he thinks his buddy is having an affair with his wife.
The stranger ask him where he lives, Fred tells him on the course by number nine green.
The stranger says no problem “I am a hit man”
I will kill both for $2,000, Fred says “hit her in the head and him in his balls”
They get to No 9 tee, stranger sets up his tri pod and rifle, after a long tome Fred says hurry up the group behind us are coming.
Hit man says “patience I am about to save you $1,000”
He gets paired with another golfer. As they are playing Fred is telling the stranger he thinks his buddy is having an affair with his wife.
The stranger ask him where he lives, Fred tells him on the course by number nine green.
The stranger says no problem “I am a hit man”
I will kill both for $2,000, Fred says “hit her in the head and him in his balls”
They get to No 9 tee, stranger sets up his tri pod and rifle, after a long tome Fred says hurry up the group behind us are coming.
Hit man says “patience I am about to save you $1,000”
This post was edited on 6/8/23 at 11:05 am
Posted on 6/8/23 at 11:33 am to TigerBR1111
What’s worse two things about golf?
1) women
2) the mother fricker that brings them
1) women
2) the mother fricker that brings them
Posted on 6/8/23 at 1:23 pm to TigerBR1111
A pair of homosexual attorneys Bob and Tom are out playing golf for the first time and having a blast but playing slow due to ignorance of golf etiquette.
The group behind them is becoming more frustrated as the round goes on and yells at them to speed up their pace. One of the attorneys yells back for them to calm down it’s such a nice day.
3 more agonizingly slow holes later one of the guys gets fed up and hits into the attorney group. Tom looks back and starts yelling at them saying someone could get hurt and if he does it again they are gonna sue them.
The guy in the group behind them yells “blow me!”
When Tom gets back to the cart Bob asks “what did they say to that?”
Tom, grinning ear to ear, says, “Looks like we’re settling this one out of court!”
The group behind them is becoming more frustrated as the round goes on and yells at them to speed up their pace. One of the attorneys yells back for them to calm down it’s such a nice day.
3 more agonizingly slow holes later one of the guys gets fed up and hits into the attorney group. Tom looks back and starts yelling at them saying someone could get hurt and if he does it again they are gonna sue them.
The guy in the group behind them yells “blow me!”
When Tom gets back to the cart Bob asks “what did they say to that?”
Tom, grinning ear to ear, says, “Looks like we’re settling this one out of court!”
Posted on 6/8/23 at 1:45 pm to 0jersey
I parred the fairway and I parred the green.
That was what my Dad used to always say.
That was what my Dad used to always say.
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