re: How the heck do you read a green?

Read the putt looking uphill (whichever side that is) and the reason is that you can see more of the surface looking uphill so there’s more information available and less likely to be fooled. Pick a spot on the green as an aim point or a distance relative to the hole (whichever you prefer). Get over the ball and see if your read is validated by what you see and feel while over the ball. If so, practice a few swings visualizing the speed and how quickly you want the putt moving when it reaches the hole. Then hit the putt.