quote:
Besides, this could be one of those Monkey's Paw type trick questions where you think you're gonna be a cool pirate/pornstar like Long John Silver hijacking booty and feasting on mutton and ale with a cool parrot, but really you end up being one of those lame Somali pirates trying to take over cruiseships just before Navy SEALs blow your brains out from a mile away while you choke down some crappy mango gazpacho.

Let's be clear. I'm definiely a super bad arse pirate. Im talking the mystic of Long John Silver but all the great taste of Captain D's. Thats a completely diffrerent debate... Long John Silver Fast Food < Captain D's.

quote:
Definitely a panda. You know how impossible it is to try to kill an alligator w/ a samurai sword? It's not happening. As long as I'm not a lame samurai w/ a bamboo staff, the panda won't stand a chance. And then, I could rid the world of another worthless panda. Seriously, pandas suck arse. Those frickers would go extinct if we didn't have to literally force them to mate.

The more i think about it, the more i want to try and kill an alligator with a pirate sword. Almost in bullfighter style. I just imagine the gator coming at me and me swinging on a rope stabbing him the back. And just refilling my sword supplies and emptying them in his back until he bleeds out. That and a gator is kind of the classic enemy for a pirate.

quote:
Whether I'm a pirate or a samurai I'm gonna be kind-of isolated. One of the main advantages of the hot wife is getting to show her off. That doesn't really happen w/ either lifestyle. One of the main drawbacks of the ugly wife is that others see you with her. So the main advantage to the hot wife is gone along w/ the main disadvantage of the ugly one. After a hard day's work as a panda-slaying samurai I want to have some mindblowingly great sex. I DGAF if she's a 4 as long as she can suck a golf ball through a garden hose.

And this is where im torn. And it could be becuase i just had a spinal tap in the past week and im missing massive amounts of brain/spinal fluids that im taking the ugly wife. because there is noting that can hurt a mans ego like his buddy telling him his wife is a dog face. but i figure if im a pirate, and my buddy tells me that, i just cut his nuts off and make him walk the plank. so it wont matter what other people think, and i'll just enjoy my fantastic sex.

quote:
Definitely Godfather pt. 1. I'll use it as inspiration to turn my ugly wife into a movie star: Director doesn't put her in a movie, he finds the head of his prize panda in his bed the next morning. Then, once she's a movie starlet, some people will delude themselves into thinking my ugly wife is actually attractive. Hell, she might even make a Maxim list.

I feel like if i choose Tyler Perry i will in turn have to be a Butt Pirate.

1 ...

Report Post

Posted by Jamohn

Das Boot

Member since Mar 2009

13546 posts

Posted on 9/10/10 at 5:19 am to iwyLSUiwy

quote:
Let's be clear. I'm definiely a super bad arse pirate. Im talking the mystic of Long John Silver but all the great taste of Captain D's. Thats a completely diffrerent debate... Long John Silver Fast Food < Captain D's.

Hmmm... Well, the superbadass pirate guarantee does make the decision a little harder. I will, however, still go w/ the Samurai. I like the idea of getting the chance to shower, consume nutritious and delicious food (like Captain D's, which is ironic because of the two types of people, it is only the samurai who is likely to have access to delicious cheap fish-like-substance establishments such as those two pirate themed restaurants. Life is funny that way sometimes--but I digress), hang out on land, pork my ugly-yet-sexually-masterful wife, do awesome karate moves, and rock the badass wooden sandals:

Seriously, who's gonna frick w/ me when I'm hangin out slayin pandas w/ Samurai Jack and rockin those badboys?! Nobody, that's who! Certainly not some filthy, toothless, eyeliner wearing Johnny Depp-type pirate!

quote:
The more i think about it, the more i want to try and kill an alligator with a pirate sword. Almost in bullfighter style. I just imagine the gator coming at me and me swinging on a rope stabbing him the back. And just refilling my sword supplies and emptying them in his back until he bleeds out. That and a gator is kind of the classic enemy for a pirate.

I see you're opting to go for the glory here. I'm sure there is some wise samurai proverb denouncing those who seek adventurous conquests driven by hubris while forsaking the safer, more sensible option, (as I meditate and burn incense). You see, while the alligator is clearly the more delicious of the two--despite what Xander Crews might say--it is also by far the more dangerous game. I just wanna slay some bitch-arse Pandas and try to avoid getting too much blood on my awesome sandals so I can pick up some Captain D's and take it home to my ugly wife so we can shag on full stomachs. No need to risk my life fighting the crazy alligator beast w/ impenetrable skin when I can mow down cute furry useless Pandas.

quote:
And this is where im torn. And it could be becuase i just had a spinal tap in the past week and im missing massive amounts of brain/spinal fluids that im taking the ugly wife. because there is noting that can hurt a mans ego like his buddy telling him his wife is a dog face. but i figure if im a pirate, and my buddy tells me that, i just cut his nuts off and make him walk the plank. so it wont matter what other people think, and i'll just enjoy my fantastic sex.

You are absolutely right here. Well said. In the samurai's case, instead of walking the plank, I'll make those bitches who talk shite about my wife go on some made up spiritual quest in the swamps where they'll be devoured by Baloo's primeval alligators.

You see, I am truly a wise samurai who is attaining spiritual creaminess.