Free Tacos? Free Burger? This Needs to Stop.

Today I witnessed a clinical half of basketball. The Lakers first half against the Utah Jazz was near perfection in terms of modern NBA performance. Los Angeles went on cruise control in the second half, but still were up 15 points with a minute left.

As I was ready for the crowd to begin to recognize the outstanding performance they witnessed, one worth the obscene amounts paid for tickets, the crowd chanted in unison words that hit me in the stomach as hard as a heavyweight champion's punch.

"We want tacos! We want tacos!

Yes, tacos.

Courtside seats for the game were going for over $8000, and the crowd began to chant in hopes of receiving two free tacos from Jack in the Box worth 99 cents if the Lakers were able to hold the opponent under 100 points.

Jack in the Box is low class even among fast food restaurants. Its cleanliness does not exactly inspire confidence and if its taco meat exceeds the quality required for dog food, it would come as a surprise.

When Deron Williams laid the ball in to cut the deficit to 113 to 100, a collective groan filled the arena.

Credit to ABC commentator Jeff Van Gundy for calling out this nonsense. It is embarassing to the nation.

The Lakers are not the first team to hold this sort of promotion, in fact it is commonplace now.

At the United Center, a free Big Mac is awarded to fans if the Bulls go score 100 points.

A meaningless basket to put the Bulls over this mark will receive a cheer slightly louder than for the Dunkin Donuts donut race, and significantly louder than a buzzer beating game winner would.

It just goes to show you how the consumer culture has inundated what once was an appreciation of athletic excellence.

Can you imagine the Boston Garden from the 1960s breaking into a free taco chant? I cannot.

There are a number of ways to address this ridiculousness.

The obvious way is to get rid of these promotions. That will not happen as the marketing value of such trash is potentially enormous.

I have a better suggestion though.

These arenas are filled with fans who do not understand the game of basketball, much less care about the NBA game. My less politically correct father would say there are too many "women and children," but in attempt to be respectful I will call these people "morons." It is only fair for me to be gender and age neutral, as I know there are men over the age of 18 who fit the bill as well.

I say in order to secure an NBA ticket, one is required to complete a basketball/NBA IQ test. This test will be administered at a testing center near you under strict supervision. Quite simply, those who score highest on the test get first dibs at tickets or should I say ticket. No buying a four pack for your family or buddies just because you know your stuff. America is a country founded on self reliance and our basketball ticket distribution shall be no different.

Tickets may not be redistributed without going through the ticket office, and identification, I'm talking fingerprints here, is required to enter the arena.

This would do wonders for reducing scalping as well. And think of how the crowds filled with middle to upper class white faces would diversify overnight.

Call it extreme, but when my rights as a basketball fan have been violated, it is not the time to be soft. The enemy (the morons I have spoke of) need to be stopped from committing such atrocities against the American people.

Just think of all the tacos these morons could buy if the NBA tickets were in the hands of those who deserve them.

Call it one man's quest.