SEC coaches text thread

I think his fellow SEC coaches may not sleep well this week. I know I am very glad he's not at Florida, Auburn, Ole Miss, etc. They know what he can do here.

But yes, that would be a great fraternity to be in.

**Group Chat: “SEC Coaches Who Definitely Don’t Have a GroupMe”**

**Kirby Smart** (11:42 AM):
Y’all see this Lane to LSU nonsense? Man’s about to trade Oxford for Baton Rouge like he’s upgrading from a Honda to a Lamborghini that’s on fire.

**Nick Saban** (11:43 AM):
I’m retired. Why am I still in this chat.

**Lane Kiffin** (11:44 AM):
Because you miss us, coach<3

**Nick Saban** (11:44 AM):
I miss silence.

**Brian Kelly** (11:45 AM):
Fellas I just want to say WHO DAT and Geaux Tigers and I am totally not sweating this at all haha my family loves it here haha

**Shane Beamer** (11:46 AM):
Coach Kelly your caps lock is stuck again

**Brian Kelly** (11:46 AM):
I AM FINE SHANE

**Steve Sarkisian** (11:47 AM):
Lane, bro, you sure? LSU fans will name their firstborn after you Week 1 and try to run you out of town by Week 4. That’s just science.

**Lane Kiffin** (11:48 AM):
Sark, I’ve been divorced twice. I’m basically immune to passionate, unstable relationships at this point.

**Josh Heupel** (11:49 AM):
Hypothetically, if Lane leaves Ole Miss, does that mean we finally get to play someone slower than a wet napkin on defense?

**Eli Drinkwitz** (11:50 AM):
Hypothetically, shut up Josh.

**Sam Pittman** (11:51 AM):
I like Lane. He sent me a Christmas card one year that just said “woo pig” in Comic Sans. Still got it on my fridge.

**Lane Kiffin** (11:52 AM):
That was meant to be passive aggressive, Sam.

**Sam Pittman** (11:52 AM):
Oh. Well I framed it anyway.

**Kirby Smart** (11:54 AM):
Lane, serious question: are you taking that stupid yacht with you?

**Lane Kiffin** (11:55 AM):
It’s not a yacht, it’s a “floating networking opportunity.”

**Clark Lea** (11:56 AM):
Hi everyone just checking in from Vanderbilt to say we are still here and still academically elite.

**Everyone**: [left on read]

**Brian Kelly** (11:58 AM):
Lane if you come here I swear to God I will learn to grill things that aren’t shaped like accents

**Lane Kiffin** (11:59 AM):
Brian that’s the most terrifying thing anyone’s ever said to me

**Nick Saban** (12:01 PM):
I’m changing my number. Again.

**Lane Kiffin** (12:02 PM):
Love you too coach ??

**Kirby Smart** (12:03 PM):
If this actually happens I’m scheduling LSU twice.

**Brian Kelly** (12:05 PM):
Wait, guys? Guys? Why is my chat fading to black? Did I accidentally hit "block all" again? LSU, if this is you, I have a lawyer on speed dial and a fake accent ready to deploy!

**[Brian Kelly has been removed from the group by LSU Admin]**

**Shane Beamer** (12:06 PM):
RIP Coach Kelly's notifications. Now he's got $53 million and a grudge to nurse. Baton Rouge boot for the Notre Dame Notre Dame of the South.

**Lane Kiffin** (12:07 PM):
$53 mil? Damn, Brian. That's buyout goals. Alright, Baton Rouge, you got my attention. But if you try that "not fired yet" limbo on me, I'm sailing back to Oxford on my networking floaty.

**Nick Saban** (12:08 PM):
Told y'all. Silence is golden. Except when it's echoing with buyout drama.

**Kirby Smart** (12:09 PM):
Lane, pack light. LSU's just warming up the gator chomp—for you or at you, 50/50.

**Steve Sarkisian** (12:10 PM):
Pro tip: When they offer the keys to the kingdom, check if it's got an ejector seat. Ask Brian. Oh wait, he's busy counting his millions in witness protection.

**Sam Pittman** (12:11 PM):
Y'all talkin' buyouts like it's a party. Try gettin' shown the door after a 56-13 Notre Dame nightmare. I'm sittin' on $20 mil worth of "thanks for the memories" and a fridge full of rejection BBQ. Lane, if you bail, at least leave the passive-aggressive cards behind—Petrino's already turnin' my old office into a motorcycle museum.

**Lane Kiffin** (12:12 PM):
Sam, buddy, that card was 50% shade, 50% genuine Woo Pig. Hit me up for yacht therapy sessions. We'll toast to "fired but funded."

**Josh Heupel** (12:13 PM):
Wait, Sam's out too? SEC's droppin' coaches like bad habits. Next up: Who wants Arkansas's leftovers? Asking for a friend who's suddenly got an open schedule.

**Eli Drinkwitz** (12:14 PM):
Josh, focus. If Lane's yachtin' to LSU, Missouri's defenses just got 10% less meme-able. Congrats?

**Sam Pittman** (12:15 PM):
Eli, tell your boys to enjoy beatin' the interim Hogs. I'm retired to a pig farm now—real ones, not the metaphorical kind that got me canned.

**[Sam Pittman has been removed from the group by Arkansas Admin—Bobby Petrino's already hoggin' the chat]**

**Shane Beamer** (12:16 PM):
And then there were fewer. SEC carousel's spinnin' faster than a tailback on caffeine. Lane, you jumpin' in that hot seat or nah?

**Lane Kiffin** (12:17 PM):
Hot seat? Nah, it's a throne with flames. But if it comes with Kelly's buyout as a signing bonus... Geaux time? ??

**Nick Saban** (12:18 PM):
Lord, give me strength. Or a mute button that works.