Breaking: Vols up ante on Gruden (AP)

Just came across the wire (Parody):

Vols up ante for Gruden

KNOXVILLE, Tenn. (AP) -- Jon Gruden stands to make a healthy sum of endorsements and gifts should he accept Tennessee athletic director Dave Hart's offer and become the next Volunteers head football coach.

"We will give him free cheeseburgers and draft beer for life," said Sonny Heiges, owner of The Cottage, a local hangout in Johnson City that is frequented in summer months by South Carolina coach Steve Spurrier.

"Hell, we'll even ban the old ball coach," added the owner, who was a sideline guest of Spurrier and his brother Graham during the recent Vols-Gamecocks game in Columbia, S.C.

Heiges offer of burgers and cold beer aren't the only items at the table for the much-cherished former NFL coach affectionately known as 'Chucky' by his peers.

Pam Sutton, the widow of Parrotsville resident and the late legendary moonshiner Marvin "Popcorn" Sutton, said her husband was a big Tennessee football fan and she had the perfect gift for Gruden, whose wife Cindy is an East Tennessee native.

"There is a secret stash of liquor only a few people know about," Sutton said. "He can have it all!"

Tennessee spokesman Jimmy Stanton had no comment on the situation than to say, off the record, "If ol Bud were still here, this hire would have leaked weeks ago!"

The most interesting offer came from the fictitious John Lee Pettimore, a famous resident of Copperhead Road in mountainous Johnson County, who offered plenty of "tobacco" seed from Columbia and Mexico.

Gruden's representatives had no comment.

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Matt Hill of The Tomahawk contributed to this report.