Last night’s riots in Minneapolis takes heavy toll…

Somber Tim Walz Announces Every Daycare Center Record Sadly Perished In Last Night's Riot

MINNEAPOLIS — A notably somber Governor Tim Walz announced that tragically, all of the state's daycare records were destroyed by fire during last night's riot.

Walz stated that despite his best efforts, somehow every single record documenting how taxpayer money was given to daycares was burned to ash.

"It's a real shame," said Walz. "The rioters were so specific with their arson last night. All the documents burned up, which you can tell by my face is making me sad. I was so looking forward to getting to the bottom of what happened to those hundreds of millions of dollars. Alas!"

According to state government sources, all of the relevant documents about daycare reimbursement were packed together in one file cabinet which was one of two structures that burned last night. "They got one liquor store and a filing cabinet," said Mayor Jacob Frey. "It's like how tornadoes will sometimes go through a house and only rip out one closet. Except, it was a fire, and it skipped over 17 city blocks from the liquor store and only hit one filing cabinet. Nature is amazing."

At publishing time, Walz had announced that unfortunately, all the files regarding his handling of the last burning of Minneapolis were also destroyed by this burning of Minneapolis.