re: My lawn from hell. How do I fix this?

You can always supplement the granular application with a liquid based application like BannerMaxx with a backpack sprayer. Sounds like you have soil or drainage issues mixed in there as well.

It's still too early to fertilize unless you are using an organic fertilizer. Synthetic fertilizers can be applied after the second week of April. The spring flush with the turf is driven by nutrient storage in the roots. Grass is going through spring root decline, adding foliage growth while depleting the root system. The grass is very suceptible to damage during this period because it doesn't have an extensive root system for regrowth. Stay off the grass with heavy equipment/vehicles during this time. Make sure to water in any synthetic fertlizers when you do put them down to make sure you don't burn your lawn.

Just mow it, and spend the time you would use messing with the weeds doing something else. Consider drinking beer, cooking meat, hunting something, fishing, etc.

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Just mow it,

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If i would start earlier in the season, and then do it once a week until the St. Aug kicked in, I would not have these issues. Problem is, I choose not to do what I know I should.

Beer is always the answer!