The Weirdest Things Guys Have Been Caught Humping

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Bicycles
While staying in a hostel, a Scottish man (you'll soon know Europe's dominance in the category of humpable inanimate objects) was discovered in his room by two housekeepers, cradling his bike in nothing but a T-shirt and "moving his hips back and forth as if to simulate sex." And if it weren't for their meddling, he probably could have gotten Turkish handlebars out of it, too.

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Footwear
Are you gellin'? You can bet your sweet arse Robert Watt is. The Scotsman was fined 100 pounds in 1997 for sexually assaulting a shoe in public (bottom of news story), and found himself in the slammer again in 2002 after railing a traffic cone before a crowd of people. Lawmakers really should address Scotland's apparent vagina shortage.

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This is not the first legal case involving someone simulating sex with an inanimate object.


In 1997 Robert Watt, 38, was fined £100 for trying to have sex with a shoe in an Edinburgh street
In 2002 the same man was arrested for simulating sex with a traffic cone in front of a crowd of people
Earlier this month, sentence was deferred on teenager Steven Marshall, from Galashiels, who admitted simulating sex on a pavement while drunk.

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Outdoor Furnishings
In March, police in Ohio charged 40-year-old Art Price Junior with four counts of public indecency after a neighbor caught him vigorously waxing down a picnic table with his trousers. Price later confessed that he had actually been doing so for nearly three months, so it ends up being a pretty touching story about monogamy.

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Industrial Vacuums
Question: How many Polish guys does it take to screw a shop vac? Answer: this one. Upon being caught by a security guard on his knees… naked… clutching a Henry Hoover, a building contractor claimed he was cleaning his underpants, a "common practice in Poland." The man lost his job, but should consider himself lucky he didn't lose his kielbasa.

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City Lighting
Influenced by this hot new trend, another Brit was arrested in February for "simulating a sex act with a lamppost," which is, figuratively, like a woman trying to hump a gopher hole, but whatever. Thankfully, the world's most graphic rendition of "Singing in the Rain" was witnessed by a minimum of adults—the several children that were exposed to it should prove far more resilient.

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Man arrested for 'having sex with lamp-post'

By Bonnie Malkin
Last Updated: 1:28AM GMT 07/03/2008

A 32-year-old man has been arrested in Wiltshire for allegedly simulating a sex act with a lamp-post.

The incident is the latest in a spate of bizarre sex crimes involving inanimate objects.

A police spokesman said officers were called to a road in the town of Westbury on February 16 after they received a report of a man acting indecently outside a block of flats "occupied by several young women".

When they arrived they arrested him on suspicion of outraging public decency.

The man was released on bail, but following an investigation into the incident and several interviews with witnesses - including children - he was recalled for questioning. He has since been re-released pending further inquiries.

The Wiltshire police spokesman said: "We are awaiting a decision as to whether there should be a prosecution".

The incident echoes a similar case last week when a Polish contractor was caught on his knees with a vacuum cleaner in a hospital staff canteen.

A security guard walked in on the man in the middle of a compromising act with the Henry Hoover appliance. He later claimed he was cleaning his underpants. He has now been fired.

Last year, Robert Stewart was placed on probation for three years after being caught trying to have sex with a bicycle.

The 51-year-old was naked from the waist down when two cleaners walked in on him at the Aberley House Hostel in south west Scotland.

He paused only to ask, "What is it, hen?", before continuing to "move his hips back and forth as if to simulate sex".

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