re: Joke Thread: Bring your best!

I told my wife to embrace her mistakes.

So she gave me a hug.

Jimmy Carr

A man scores a ticket on the 50 yard line for the big LSU game. He gets there and as the game is kicking off, he notices the seat next to him is empty. He asks the next guy down the row about it. How could someone have a ticket like this, to a game this big, and not even show up?

The old man said "We'll that's my deceased wife's ticket. We've had these seats since 1972 and never missed a game.

The guy says "I'm very sorry to hear that. But don't you have any friends or family you could bring with you to the game?"

The old man replies "They're all at the funeral"

A traveling gypsy hobo from N. Augusta in South Carolina is making his way up to the mountains for the Fall tourist season to sell trinkets on the side of the road to the leaf-lookers and maybe steal a catalytic converter or two.

As he's passing through the upstate a large storm approaches with a violent gust front, wall cloud, apocalyptic cloud to ground lightning. His typical traveling hobo shelter won't do, so he runs up the driveway of a big farmhouse with a giant Crusifix on display and a big Clemson flag flying on the porch.

He knocks on the door and asks the farmer if he could please take shelter out of the storm. The farmer didn't trust this hobo, but he was also a good Christian man. He allowed the hobo to spend the night, but in the barn. Appealing to the farmer's senses, the hobo says "if it's good enough for joseph, mary, and the baby Jesus, it's good enough for me, thank you sir, and god bless."


The hobo slept, the storm passed, and in the morning bright and early, the farmer walked out to the barn to shoo away the hobo, who was already awake, packed up, and eating an apple he'd picked off a nearby tree. 

The farmer said "That's an arkansas black, one of my best sellers during apple season."

The hobo replies "They are great, your pig loves them too. He said that's his favorite food. Whenever you bring him table scraps, he said he likes these apple cores the best. I can talk to animals, by the way."

The farmer takes a glib expression and simply sneers "Is that so?"

"That's right," replied the hobo. "I talked to your horse over there, he says his favorite activity is when you brush him, and he says he loves the name you gave him, 'Winston.'"

The farmer's jaw drops.
 
The Hobo continued, "Then I went and talked to those sheep over there...." and the farmer exclaimed:

"Those Sheep are God Damned Liars!"