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Message
re: I got jokes
Posted on 4/29/19 at 9:37 pm to DavidTheGnome
Posted on 4/29/19 at 9:37 pm to DavidTheGnome
quote:
Edit way too long, I like puns
AKA attention span = gnat
0
Posted on 4/29/19 at 9:37 pm to deeprig9
What is the difference between a chicken? One of its legs is both the same as the other.
Posted on 4/29/19 at 10:29 pm to deeprig9
A priest late one night is getting his church ready for a parishioner's funeral the next day.
Walking back to the rectory through the graveyard, he falls into the newly dug grave. He tries to scramble up the muddy sides but he can't get out, so he sits in a dark corner to wait for someone to haul him out in the morning and goes to sleep.
A parishioner, taking a short cut home and wobbling his way through the graveyard from Clancy's Pub where he's been downing his grief and mourning the death of his dearest friend being buried the very next day in the very same graveyard-falls headlong into the very same newly dug grave prepared for his newly departed pal.
He hits bottom hard, but with the limberness and flexibility of the very drunk, he hops to his feet and begins to vigorously and unsuccessfully climb out of the terrifying silence and dark of a fresh grave in an ancient graveyard at the witching hour.
As he grows more and more terrified of the dark and more and more weary trying to climb out, from the darkest corner of the Pit, he hears a disembodied voice...
"You'll never make it out like that!"
But he did.
Walking back to the rectory through the graveyard, he falls into the newly dug grave. He tries to scramble up the muddy sides but he can't get out, so he sits in a dark corner to wait for someone to haul him out in the morning and goes to sleep.
A parishioner, taking a short cut home and wobbling his way through the graveyard from Clancy's Pub where he's been downing his grief and mourning the death of his dearest friend being buried the very next day in the very same graveyard-falls headlong into the very same newly dug grave prepared for his newly departed pal.
He hits bottom hard, but with the limberness and flexibility of the very drunk, he hops to his feet and begins to vigorously and unsuccessfully climb out of the terrifying silence and dark of a fresh grave in an ancient graveyard at the witching hour.
As he grows more and more terrified of the dark and more and more weary trying to climb out, from the darkest corner of the Pit, he hears a disembodied voice...
"You'll never make it out like that!"
But he did.
Posted on 4/29/19 at 11:14 pm to deeprig9
quote:
He goes
quote:
He goes
quote:
He goes
quote:
He goes
quote:
He says
quote:
He goes
quote:
He goes
quote:
And he goes
quote:
And the farmer goes
Absolutely the worst story/joke telling I've ever read. Are you fricking serious with this?
Posted on 4/30/19 at 12:03 am to OKellsBells
Are you a private tutor, Okells?
Posted on 4/30/19 at 12:08 am to deeprig9
A man walks into a bar and orders three draft beers.
The bartender brings him the three beers, and the man proceeds to alternately sip one, then the other, then the third, until they're gone. He then orders three more and the bartender says, "Sir, I know you like them cold, so you can start with one, and I'll bring you a fresh one as soon as you're low."
The man says, "You don't understand. I have two brothers, one in Australia and one in the Ireland. We made a vow to each other that every Saturday night, we'd still drink together. So right now, my brothers have three beers, too, and we're drinking together."
The bartender thinks it's a wonderful tradition, and every week he sets up the guy's three beers. Then one week, the man comes in and orders only two. He drinks them and then orders two more. The bartender says sadly, "Knowing your tradition, I'd just like to just say that I'm sorry you've lost a brother."
The man replies, "Oh, my brothers are fine -- I just quit drinking."
The bartender brings him the three beers, and the man proceeds to alternately sip one, then the other, then the third, until they're gone. He then orders three more and the bartender says, "Sir, I know you like them cold, so you can start with one, and I'll bring you a fresh one as soon as you're low."
The man says, "You don't understand. I have two brothers, one in Australia and one in the Ireland. We made a vow to each other that every Saturday night, we'd still drink together. So right now, my brothers have three beers, too, and we're drinking together."
The bartender thinks it's a wonderful tradition, and every week he sets up the guy's three beers. Then one week, the man comes in and orders only two. He drinks them and then orders two more. The bartender says sadly, "Knowing your tradition, I'd just like to just say that I'm sorry you've lost a brother."
The man replies, "Oh, my brothers are fine -- I just quit drinking."
Posted on 4/30/19 at 12:12 am to cbree88
quote:
Are you a private tutor, Okells?
No. But I am sneaky.
Posted on 4/30/19 at 12:14 am to OKellsBells
Haha. Remind me not to walk behind you at the grocery store. ;)
Posted on 4/30/19 at 12:15 am to deeprig9
It’s funny because he fricks the sheep.
Posted on 4/30/19 at 12:18 am to cbree88
I’m on it.
Posted on 4/30/19 at 12:25 am to deeprig9
Why does Louisiana not fall off in the ocean? Because Arkansas sucks
Posted on 4/30/19 at 6:38 am to EGCROSS
Alabama...the only state where Honey Boo Boo is seem on PBS.
Posted on 4/30/19 at 8:14 am to Tunasntigers92
It's funny because it's true! He does frick sheep!
Posted on 4/30/19 at 8:17 am to pchwinner
quote:
This post has been marked unreadable!
must have been a good one
Posted on 4/30/19 at 12:02 pm to MorbidTheClown
Guy walks into a bar orders a rum and coke. Bartender hands him an apple. Guy gets mad and says no I ordered a rum and coke. Bartender says just try it. Guy bites the apple and to his surprise says “tastes like rum”. Bartender says “turn it around.” Guy bites the other side and says “wow tastes like coke!”
Another guy walks in orders s gin and tonic. He gets an apple. First guy tells him just try it. 2nd guy bites it, and proclaims it tastes like gin! Bartender says turn it around. He bites the other side and says wow tastes like tonic!
3rd guy walks in and the first two customers excitedly tell him the bartender has apples of any flavor he wants. 3rd guy looks at bartender and asks “do you have one that tastes like pussy?” Bartender hands him an apple. Guy bites it and spits it out yelling “this tastes like arse!” Bartender says “turn it around!”
Another guy walks in orders s gin and tonic. He gets an apple. First guy tells him just try it. 2nd guy bites it, and proclaims it tastes like gin! Bartender says turn it around. He bites the other side and says wow tastes like tonic!
3rd guy walks in and the first two customers excitedly tell him the bartender has apples of any flavor he wants. 3rd guy looks at bartender and asks “do you have one that tastes like pussy?” Bartender hands him an apple. Guy bites it and spits it out yelling “this tastes like arse!” Bartender says “turn it around!”
Posted on 4/30/19 at 7:13 pm to PearlJam
PearlJam, you have to read it in the voice of Gilbert Gottfried. You millennial frick.
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