Best Bidet Towel - Discovered! You've got questions, I have answers

I got this bidet towel at a steal! Let me break down the features for you, reader and purveyor of heinie wipes. I am convinced that you, too, will find an autographed Aubrun jersey to dry your backside.

The fabric is Riddell blend poly, spandex, and a little cotton. It's the WICKING that you want, not absorption. This little number draws water off your perineum better than a number of competitive products (looking at you, nonwicking painted and signed cowbell).

The best feature is the ink on the white numbers. The pen used to sign these numbers by notable Aubrun former students was made for this purpose exactly. The ink runs a little when the jersey is far too wet with bidet over spray. That's how you know to throw it in the wash with bleach at high temps.

The hygienic garment comes with a convenient hook to hang on a typical towel hook. And don't worry! If you leave it in an airport bathroom in Japan, it'll be there when you get back. Nobody wants these things and no one from rural east Alabama can afford the travel expenses.

The color will, thankfully, fade with time and washing. I can't say that you can get the Aubrun smell off of it, but leaving it in the bathroom won't attract too much attention. If anyone from the Plains-Eagle-Tigers university visits, they'll love to see their memorabilia in a prominent place in your home. Don't fret - the irony is lost on them. But do help them get back home - road games can be terrifying.