re: Doubt this has happened to a TDer before.

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You know, for most people, that may be the right way to look at it, and may still be right here, but she waited until he was a grown man to even consider making contact. His adoptive parents stood in the way, even though he should have been able to make his own decision.

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Problem with this: As you say, what if he doesn't even know he is adopted?

What if his parents spent the work of a lifetime to keep him from that. To keep him from being tormented at night wondering why his "real" mom didn't want him?

Or what if they did tell him, and there was so much pain there is the reason for the return of the unopened letters.

Its a very messy and fragile set of circumstances. Don't demonize the adoptive parents, no matter how easy it is now. You simply don't know the circumstances to judge them.


For all you know, if you had gotten your chance to corner the son, you might have found him violently angry with decades of repressed emotion surging at your wife.

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You know, for most people, that may be the right way to look at it, and may still be right here, but she waited until he was a grown man to even consider making contact. His adoptive parents stood in the way, even though he should have been able to make his own decision

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As an adoptive father...stay the frick out of the parents life. She gave up her rights when she put him up for adoption. No one wants you reaching out 27 years later trying to say Hi. Seriously can cause many issues in a family. Imagine if he had siblings who didn’t know he was adopted? And you want to say Hi...but could send this family into a tailspin. Stop being selfish, and move on. Sorry to be so straight forward, but I can tell you first hand to stay the heck out of it if you’ve been asked to.

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His adoptive parents stood in the way, even though he should have been able to make his own decision

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Are you freaking kidding me? Sorry, I had to edit to address just this. No, your wife stood in the way of knowing her son when she signed him over for adoption to a loving family who took him in. They adopted him...it’s their son. If they don’t want him to meet the host he came out of (that’s technically all she is, the term Mother is earned) then that’s their right.

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You know, for most people, that may be the right way to look at it, and may still be right here, but she waited until he was a grown man to even consider making contact. His adoptive parents stood in the way, even though he should have been able to make his own decision.

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There are so many things in play that you guys aren't privy to though.

Maybe they told him, maybe they've spoke with him extensively about it and he didn't want to know/meet his parents and the parents were just following through with his wishes.