re: Typical meathead activities that make you chuckle

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And there it is. You will get functional strength from compound lifts like squatting and deadlifting. This idea people have that if you lift heavy you are going to get huge is completely false. It takes huge efforts and/or drugs to put a bunch of muscle on.

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Lifting to failure at low reps and eating a lot of good calories, with about 50/30/20 split of Carbs/Protein/Fat, is a good way to get bigger. Most people don't eat enough and most people don't lift to failure each set at low reps.

The standard 3x5 or 5x5 usually involves lifting an amount of weight you are fairly comfortable with and gradually building up. This will increase functional strength without bulking you up too much. Put it this way: you have to want to bulk up to really bulk up. It's typically not a side effect of lifting weights like a normal person.

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The best way to get there is to lift heavy weights for a shorter amount of time.

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Sounds terrible.

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I swam 2 miles this morning. I am trying to get fit.

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Sounds even more terrible.