‘Twas The Night Before Christmas by Larry Dickem

Twas the night before Christmas
And all through the house,
Not a creature was stirring;
Not even a mouse.

Mom was at the whorehouse,
And dad was smoking grass;
I just settled down with a nice piece of arse.

Then out on the lawn, I heard such a clatter.
I sprang from my piece to see what was the matter.
Out on the lawn, I saw a big dick,
And I knew at once it must be St. Nick!

He came down out chimney like a bat out of hell,
And I knew at that moment that the fricker had fell.
He filled our stockings with pretzels and beer,
And a big rubber dick for my brother the queer.

He flew up the chimney with a tremendous fart,
And the son of a bitch blew the thing apart.
He cursed and he swore as he climbed into his sled:
"Merry Christmas to all, and have a helluva night!"