Post your best Little Johnny Jokes

But both are still Woody?

The way I heard it was Johnny said rat. The shocked teacher said very good Johnny. Then Johnny said " but wait a minute teacher. Not an ordinary rat but a big f×cking rat with a dick that long and a 5 gallon bucket of nuts".

Teacher tells class to choose a 3 syllable word and use in sentence. Doesn't want to call on Johnny because he'll say something dirty.

Mary goes first with terrific. Bobby goes next with wonderful.

Teacher asks for volunteer, but only Johnny raises hand so she calls on him.

Johnny says urinate. Frustrated teacher asks if Johnny can use in a sentence.

Johnny says sure, urinate, but if you had bigger tits you'd be a ten.

There's a "see Ya Tuesday" punch line with a former LA politician's name in it, that I don't think can repeated in a public forum.

I'd tell the one about his daddy being a bookie and spelling "mochanic", but that'd be an instant ban hammer.

I’ve got a favorite one only this isn’t a joke. This is just a story about me when I was a kid.

When I was a kid in school there was a fella named Dirty Johnny. He was always a trouble maker and the teachers never liked him.

One day in class the teacher made us kids raise our hands to tell a story and then say what the moral is of that story.

Well Johnny raises his hand but she skips him and calls on a girl named Becky raising her hand instead.

The teacher says “Yes Becky, go ahead.”

Becky says “My dad works for the hatchery. And one day he had to go down to the market and sell the eggs so we could afford our bills that month.

And so my dad he goes out to the henhouse and he knows it takes selling 100 eggs to pay our bills so he puts 100 eggs in a basket. And he rides out to the market but wouldn’t you know it on the way there the basket topples over and they break and we couldn’t pay our bills that week”

The teacher says “Now what’s the moral in that?”

Becky says “To not put all your eggs in one basket”

The teacher says “Now, that’s a good one.”

Johnny still has his hand up but so does another little girl and the teacher says: “Maureen, yes, go ahead”

Maureen says “My grandpa works for the Hatchery as well.

Thank god for hatchery or we’d all be lost. The whole town depended on it.

Anyway one day he had to get a loan to buy a new tractor and the bank told him they’d loan him the money if he could pay it back when the new chickens hatched.

So Grandpa he went out and counted all his eggs that hadn’t hatched yet and he got the loan but wouldn’t you know it a few months later the bank took the tractor back because some of those eggs ended up broken or just never hatched.

“ The teacher says “Now that’s a rough story and tell us what’s the moral of that?”

Maureen says “Don’t count your chickens before they hatch”

Teacher says “Damn that’s a good one”

Then she sees Dirty Johnny with his hand up and thinks “My god, not him. I don’t want to do it but I made an oath when I became a teacher. I swore I’d nurture the young minds and I’d give every kid a fair chance. ”

So our teacher she takes a deep breath and she looks over and she says “Yes, go ahead Dirty Johnny”

Dirty Johnny stands up and starts talking “This story is about my uncle Terry, he never worked at the damn hatchery. He hates chickens. No he never worked like that. Uncle Terry, well he was in Vietnam in Danang.

He was not well liked by anyone including his fellow soldiers.

You may have heard of a man deserting his troop but have you ever heard of a troop abandoning a man?

That’s what happened to my Uncle Terry. They left him with nothing but three bottles of scotch and some weapons.

When Uncle Terry came to, he downed the first bottle right away. Then he got up, grabbed his other two bottles and a Glock they had left him.

He started walking and eventually he walked to a town. He didn’t know if this town was full of Charlie or one he was suppose to protect, but uncle Terry had hate in his gut, and he took another drink from his bottle.

Uncle Terry looked out on that town and like a farmer would with hay and a scythe he started mowing everything down.
First the men fell
then the women
and god damn I’m ashamed to say it but the children too.

Then when the smoke had cleared and he was finally out of bullets and booze he felt his pants and found they were wet and Uncle Terry felt shame as he realized he had pissed himself.

Then he felt it again, and realized it wasn’t urine at all, but in fact it was ejaculate.

And Uncle Terry felt pride were shame once was.”

The teacher finally comes to her senses and says “Holy shite Johnny, what the hell is wrong with you?! what’s the moral in that!?”

Johnny says “Well I guess the moral is don’t frick with Uncle Terry when he’s been drinking!”

Man I know it ain't yours and I've heard it before but I still got a chuckle