re: Anyone Ever Divorce a BiPolar Spouse

this is a bit of a long read, but this is the post I found on Quora about a year ago when I was doing a deep dive of trying to understand what was going on with me and my wife. I'm not saying my wife has BPD, because I dont know and I'm not qualified to diagnose that. I will say though that this guy's experience mirrors my own in many ways, and I think it's a pretty damn good description of BPD.

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It’s tragic. I was married to a “quiet” borderline aka The Waif, for 12 years. The damsel in distress in search of the white knight. The Victim. God I hate that I know so much about this shite. Hopefully my tragic story can save some poor helpless schmuck about to make the same mistakes I made. Or if you’re in one of these relationships you’ll get the hell out now before you waste another decade.

Before I say anything else, I take no pleasure in talking shite. I share children with this person. I loved her and will always have love for her. Also, I’m not some poor helpless victim. I’ve got to pre load my answers like this because the borderlines and their defenders loooove to psychologically evaluate me in the comments. I take responsibility for my part in a failed marriage. Ok that’s out of the way.

It’s a living hell. Here’s the deal, these relationships are manageable for someone with low empathy or a narcissist. Or someone who will never back down or take shite and is willing to put her in her place without fear of retribution. I say her place because that was the dynamic of my relationship. I don’t know how a male BPD acts. I believe this would go both ways but for my relationship, I was married to a woman. I’m not saying it’s right or wrong but if you’re a nice guy, a female borderline will run wild on you. fricking wild. It’s the equivalent of a shark seeing blood in the water. So use your “sorries” wisely. You don’t want to show weakness, it will be used against you. I say again, do not show weakness of any kind whatsoever, it will be used against you. While I am somewhat of a “man’s man,” I’m a pretty sensitive guy. I give a shite if I feel I’ve wronged you. I like to get to the root of the problem and talk it out. Big mistake with The Waif. That’s a recipe for getting gaslit.

Throw away all hope of applying logic and reason to an argument or disagreement. Throw it out the fricking window. Also, don’t hold your breath waiting on an apology. To apologize would be to admit fault. To admit fault means they are bad. If you know they are bad you will leave them. Hence no apology will come. What you will get is gaslit. When you get done reading this answer, if you suspect you’re in a relationship with a person suffering from BPD, find out everything you need to know about gaslighting. There are some really stupid people on the internet who will tell you that borderlines don’t gaslight. Only narcissists gaslight. Dumbest shite I’ve ever heard in my fricking life. Not only do borderlines gaslight, they might be the best at and here’s why. It’s done out of self preservation. Fear of abandonment is the key issue with them. While they can gaslight you intentionally due to malicious intent, in my experience, it’s mainly done as a defense mechanism. She actually believed her own bullshite. She was honest to god confused and convinced she had done nothing wrong at the conclusion of every single argument or disagreement we had. Every one of them. To extract an apology from her was an extremely rare occurrence. The inability to apologize is how I found out about BPD. Once I found out about BPD I found out about gaslighting.

Gaslighting is serious shite and you will most definitely encounter it when married to a borderline. I had no idea what it was or that it was being done to me. I’m not talking about the flippant gaslighting term you hear thrown around these days in reference to politics. I’m talking about severe emotional and psychological abuse that will seriously frick you up boy. I would say the worst thing that gaslighting does to you is it causes you to question your reality. The “quiet” borderline isn’t like the out in the open borderline. This shite is all done in a covert bullshite type of way. She played the victim to a T. She had convinced that I was the cause of all her distress. It gives me the chills thinking about how deep I had fallen into this deception. The good thing is that once you read the playbook on gaslighting, you can usually spot it going forward. Their behavior and reactions become predictable even. Had I not found out about gaslighting I might have killed myself. I don’t know. My head was that fricked up. Like I said, it will cause you to literally question your reality.

I could go on and on here but the bottom line is that you cannot remain who you are and live with a toxic person. It will rot you from the inside out. I tried my hardest to understand the disorder. I read as much material as I could get my hands on. I got her to marriage counseling; she manipulated the counselor. I called the cops; she manipulated the cops. I asked her parents for help; she manipulated her parents. I asked my mom for help; she manipulated my mom. I got her to go to her own counselor; she manipulated her counselors (yea plural she had 2). I read a really stupid book called “Stop Walking On Eggshells.” Do yourself a favor, don’t read it. The only solution in dealing with a toxic person is to get away from them. I don’t think she is necessarily a bad person, she’s just a severely wounded person. The damage was done before I got there. I don’t take blame for her but I do take responsibility for exhibiting codependent behaviors that unknowingly exacerbated the situation. I’ve learned a lot and I’m better now having gone through what I went through. I’m not a victim. I made mistakes in our relationship too and I’ve taken personal ownership for them. shite happens in life. You live, you learn.

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