re: Dear diary, tired of living (update pg 15)

I wish I had something encouraging to say. I have been battling severe depression for the last 5 years. It goes in peaks and valleys. There is progress and there are setbacks.

What I have found is that I am most depressed when:
1. I feel alone in a crowd.
2. When the chores are piling up at home (dirty dishes in the sink, laundry, general mess and clutter)
3. When I don’t reach out to friends for a hang, even if it’s just someone to be at my house while I do chores.
4. When I’m having health problems
5. When I’m not exercising regularly
6. When I’m dealing with a rejection, whether that be romantic or professional
7. When I am struggling financially

Depression is worst when I feel out of control of my life, lacking in purpose, rejected (whether real or imagined), or I feel like I am in over my head to the point that I can’t possibly catch up.

I feel best when I am around people I care about, when I feel a part of something larger than myself, when I have a clear goal which I’m working towards that feels obtainable with noticeable progression along the way.

Some habits that have helped are:
1. learning the thoughts and situations that trigger emotional spirals, and purposefully intervening those thoughts to slow or reverse the descent.
2. Exercising regularly
3. Getting good sleep, but not too much
4. Setting a timer to focus on chores, particularly cleaning, for 10 minutes at a time. I rarely stop when the timer goes off, but setting the timer helps my brain to relax and feel like it’s nbd. Just doing a little bit really adds up over time to a significantly less chaotic environment.
5. Inviting friends over to just be around while I do things.
6. Enrolling myself in organizations, clubs, and activities that have a significant social component.

Finally, if you’re frequently feeling suicidal, do whatever it takes to stop it from happening. Don’t just get professional help (though definitely do that). I once removed all the knives from my home. I didn’t tell anyone, just boxed them up and dropped them off in the garage at my parents’ house until I wasn’t struggling as bad a few months later. Tell yourself anything, lie if you have to. Do whatever it takes to keep you alive. I was so crazy at one point, that what kept me from killing myself was a delusional belief that I had become immortal. It was crazy, but it worked. If keeping things together for when your girl comes back is the only thing keeping you going, keep lying to yourself, even when you know she’s never coming back, until you’re strong enough to survive the truth.