How are your sessions with your therapist? Do they help? Have you told them about your suicidal ideation? Definitely tell them if you shift from ideation to making a plan.

I see you've contemplated God's existence, yet you also refer to God as Him...with a capital H, do you believe in God & feel abandoned by him or are you still on the fence? If you're open to it, finding a church is an excellent way to meet new people and make new, genuine friends (as long as you find the right church) who will love and accept you.

8 people is actually a good amount, dude. Studies say individuals can only really maintain intimate relationships with 5-7ish people, so you're doing well! Do you tell these people about your struggles? Are they people you can text or call to talk to them when you're feeling your lowest? If you know they care about you, be honest & vulnerable with them. You may have a well of support that you haven't been tapping into fully, there.

I shite you not, I have literally said, "Some people aren't made for this world," about myself for years. Years and years until I shot myself. But you're not giving yourself enough credit, you're stronger than you know, especially given what you've dealt with in the past and what you're battling now.

And, this is probably the best sign, you're reaching out for help here. That's great dude, and a great sign...look at this and know that you haven't given up on yourself. That means hope, man. I'm not sure what your relationship is with your therapist, but tell them about what you're going through. Also, consider seeing a psychiatrist. Have you ever considered meds to help with the depression, anxiety, & sleep issues?

Also, and I know this will not be easy with how you're feeling, but consider volunteering somewhere. Look at what you posted:

quote:
I appreciate those who have typed supportive comments in the past. Keep doing that for people on here. You never know how much it helps.

That shows caring and empathy. If you can find somewhere to give your time to, then you can not only build relationships there, but you can find meaning and satisfaction as well. It won't be easy at the beginning, I know, believe me, but if you can stick with it (and you find somewhere that you're interested in...for example, I volunteered at a place that provided a place to stay, food, & support to families who had traveled from out of town for their sick child to receive treatment at a local hospital) then you may find a source of contentment & support there.

And if you ever feel like you don't have anyone to talk to I'll give you my number. I haven't dealt with the life circumstances that's led to your depression & anxiety, but I've dealt with horrific depression and anxiety for roughly 15 years...I did attempt suicide with a bullet to the chest, I've felt the loneliness & isolation that you're going through, the constricting, suffocating feeling of depression & just wanting to die...so I get it, man.

Keep battling, keep seeking out help.