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CFLSaint
| Favorite team: | |
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| Number of Posts: | 11 |
| Registered on: | 11/14/2021 |
| Online Status: | Not Online |
Recent Posts
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re: Involuntary Singleness/Childlessness/Loneliness
Posted by CFLSaint on 11/14/21 at 11:45 am to V Bainbridge
quote:
You have anxiety and a bit of depression it seems. Your problem is your mentality as evidenced by:
Good advice and I admit I do suffer from anxiety. I've still never figured out if I actually suffer from depression or just extreme loneliness.
quote:
Spend your days trying to better yourself instead of worrying about pointless shite and everything you are worried about not having will fall into place. Be constant in your drive and daily routines.
Something I am definitely trying to start now. There are activities I used to enjoy that I just don't do anymore and I want to get back to doing them. I'm going to try to look at volunteering as well.
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re: Involuntary Singleness/Childlessness/Loneliness
Posted by CFLSaint on 11/14/21 at 11:36 am to The Spleen
quote:
Well, you’ve hit the age where chances are good that if you fall in love with a woman, she has kids you can help raise. And I don’t mean that callously. I have a friend that didn’t married until he was 40, and the woman he married had two kids. He has a great relationship with them.
That's always been something I've struggled with. Part of me says no I don't want to go into an instant family. The other part of me is also practical and understands that at my age a lot of women are going to have kids and that neither the women nor the kid should be punished simply because it didn't work out with the biological father. It's something I genuinely go back and forth on.
Obviously it's every guys preference that the woman doesn't have kids and even 2 - 3 years ago I wouldn't have been willing to even consider it. But I understand that if maybe it shouldn't be an absolute deal breaker. Is that how you would approach it?
quote:
The singleness is driving your loneliness. If you find the right woman, you won't have the loneliness. Having kids can be tough, and many couples even end up fighting over them. Once you have them, you love them, but you wouldn't be lonely in either case. I've seen many couples stay together for a long time without kids, and they seem extremely happy. It's just not the norm for people to think they can stay together and not have them. Focus on the first you suggested, and then decide if the 2nd is a must do. Don't work it the other way.
I never thought about it that way but I definitely agree with you. The singless is definitely driving my loneliness. I think it's hard because women always demand that the guy have their stuff together and there is something to that but I think finding a woman I really like would really help get a lot of that under control.
I definitely don't have any desire to get married and immediately start having kids. I would want to be married for awhile first and obviously that's the first step. I think the companionship alone, even before marriage, would really help.
quote:
You got plenty of time. The risk of pregnancies showing up with problems is quite high regardless, but for women by 40 it is 1 in 100 for specifically Down syndrome. But ADHD isn't that big of a deal, nor is autism. I've worked with autistic kids my whole life, and the key is to have a support network. Just go find someone. There are plenty of people looking.
That's my concern. A cousin of mine went down the same path as me and didn't get married until 39. They had two kids. He was 40 for the first one and 42 for the second one. The first child came out fine but the second child had down syndrome. Seeing her I know they love but I can't imagine how hard it is to raise her. It's pretty severe down syndrome. Given I know it's my cousin but it does mean there is a history of it in my extended family.
re: Involuntary Singleness/Childlessness/Loneliness
Posted by CFLSaint on 11/14/21 at 11:29 am to Paul Allen
quote:
Not even close to being true.
True but several friend of mine, including 2 good friends I didn't see in person for over a year due to the pandemic. One went back to live with family temporarily in NJ and the other I still talked to but she completely locked down with family.
I live by myself and during the heart of the pandemic (March, April, May, June 2020) where I went days without talking or seeing another person. I think at one point I went over a week without seeing another person.
I think it's true for a lot of people but I agree not for everyone.
re: Involuntary Singleness/Childlessness/Loneliness
Posted by CFLSaint on 11/14/21 at 11:26 am to BigDawg0420
quote:
Nonsense. Like you said, you have great friends, you traveled the country/world, and got to experience things many others have not. There’s nothing hollow about that. Keep your head up, put yourself out there, stay positive through the negatives, and eventually you’ll find your person.
That is true and I genuinely try to be thankful for what I do have. I will say as an introvert I don't have a ton of friends but I probably have 4 - 5 good friends. I used to have a bigger friend networks but a couple got married, had kids and I've slowly but surely lost contact with them. Same with 2 friends that moved away and so I maybe see them once a year now. I also had my best friend off himself 7 years ago and that definitely left a hole in my heart.
But like you said I do have a small but loyal group of friends and have gotten to travel a fair amount. I'm not an OT baller by any means and there's a lot more traveling I want to do (I've mostly been in the US but have been to Canada, Caribbean, Europe and Hawaii, really want to get to Japan and South Korea at some point) but I have been to a lot of places.
quote:
It’s not really fair to be a man these days Like all chicks are fat and have kids already I blame George soros
I don't want to blame it on women but I do agree that a lot of women let themselves go. I honestly feel like I have lowered my standards already and I feel like my standards aren't crazy high. I'm right at slightly overweight but by no means obese (5'7", 162 lbs) and I'm starting to work our regularly again. One of my only standards is I won't date a woman who is significantly overweight or obese. I don't think that's being unreasonable.
But yeah my dating life has always been a disaster. I swear I somehow always get attracted to women who are in relationships or have kids already. I've debated if I should relax my standards even more and be willing to date a woman who has kids but I'm not sure I'm willing to do that yet.
Just recently there was a bartender (really beautiful and sweet) that I was attracted to. It's a local bar I go to regularly so we know each other pretty well and give each other hugs every time I'm there. She's even a Saints fan which is awesome. On her facebook profile she's single but I ran into her roommate last week, asked the roommate if she was seeing anyone and she indicated that she is. So another blow there.
quote:
Considering the way things have turned out recently and the way this country and others are going, consider yourself lucky.
Part of me definitely feels this way. Like do I even want to bring a child into the world as it is? I can't even imagine trying to raise a child through the pandemic. I truly think a lot of children are going to be mentally scared for a long time, perhaps even the rest of their lives.
But sadly it still doesn't truly help with the pain. Honestly at first I thought it was depression and I even saw a therapist for a few months but I truly do believe it's just the fact that I'm singe, have no kids and feel very lonely.
I live in Florida but I was in Louisiana and New Orleans last weekend. Truly is amazing just how much of a different world it feels like in New Orleans. NOLA still feels like you are in the middle of the pandemic. In Florida the pandemic has honestly been over since like June or July of last year.
I think at the end of the day a lot of people forget that both parties are having a power struggle right now. The Democrats of course it's between the Moderate Blue Dog Democrats and the Socialists. For Republicans it's between Libertarian Conservatives and old school Conservatives.
My bet is it's the old school Conservatives that are so against it. Even though they're surrounded by it and they'll get all the negatives without any of the positives.
My bet is it's the old school Conservatives that are so against it. Even though they're surrounded by it and they'll get all the negatives without any of the positives.
Involuntary Singleness/Childlessness/Loneliness
Posted by CFLSaint on 11/14/21 at 11:13 am
I bring this up as I'm a 38 year old man and am truly suffering from all three right now. I was someone who never had any desire to have kids until a year or two ago (despite how horrible the current situation is). I was willing to get married if it was the right woman but I absolutely was no going to settle and I was okay being single my whole life.
It comes and goes but yesterday I randomly watched a good family comedy movie. Later on I went to a festival in my area and saw all the families there. It was one of the few times in my life where my involuntary singleness, childlessness and loneliness hit me all at once. I felt very close to just breaking down emotionally.
I realize now that I made a terrible mistake in my 20s that I will most likely have to live with the rest of my life. I've never had a huge amount of success with dating, and even if I were to find a woman that I loved and would marry we're probably talking about 41 or 42 before we would be having kids. We all know that at that age there is a much higher chance of birth defects or ailments like autism/down syndrome/ADHD. Plus I have several ailments myself that I wouldn't want to pass on. Honestly I would be more inclined at that age to go through IVF.
I think the big thing is the pandemic really made me realize how alone I really am. Yes I always had friends around but we all know when the going gets tough family is what gets your through. I'm isolated from parts of my family and of course when the pandemic hit everyone essentially retreated to their families. I had plenty of friends who flat out said "hey, we'll hang out again after the pandemic is over". Two I've still yet to see again post pandemic.
It also doesn't help that I've seen many friends of mine who have gotten married and have families of their own now. Some I've stayed in touch with but others I've lost touch with or maybe only talk to a few times a year.
I just feel like I've wasted my life. I realize now that while I've had a lot of fun in my life (great friends, a lot of traveling, a lot of various activities) it all just seems really hollow now. I feel like my life is hollow and I feel like at the end of the day I don't really have anything to show for it.
I have two nieces and while I love them we don't have much in common. I only see them a few times a year anyway. I think I would've loved to have had kids that I could shared myself with. And yes I know they wouldn't be just like me, but at least I could've been a father to them. And maybe just maybe they would've had a few of the same passions as me.
Anyone else in the mid 30s - mid 40s kind of going through this right now? It just feels really hopeless right now and I worry that I've really blown it.
It comes and goes but yesterday I randomly watched a good family comedy movie. Later on I went to a festival in my area and saw all the families there. It was one of the few times in my life where my involuntary singleness, childlessness and loneliness hit me all at once. I felt very close to just breaking down emotionally.
I realize now that I made a terrible mistake in my 20s that I will most likely have to live with the rest of my life. I've never had a huge amount of success with dating, and even if I were to find a woman that I loved and would marry we're probably talking about 41 or 42 before we would be having kids. We all know that at that age there is a much higher chance of birth defects or ailments like autism/down syndrome/ADHD. Plus I have several ailments myself that I wouldn't want to pass on. Honestly I would be more inclined at that age to go through IVF.
I think the big thing is the pandemic really made me realize how alone I really am. Yes I always had friends around but we all know when the going gets tough family is what gets your through. I'm isolated from parts of my family and of course when the pandemic hit everyone essentially retreated to their families. I had plenty of friends who flat out said "hey, we'll hang out again after the pandemic is over". Two I've still yet to see again post pandemic.
It also doesn't help that I've seen many friends of mine who have gotten married and have families of their own now. Some I've stayed in touch with but others I've lost touch with or maybe only talk to a few times a year.
I just feel like I've wasted my life. I realize now that while I've had a lot of fun in my life (great friends, a lot of traveling, a lot of various activities) it all just seems really hollow now. I feel like my life is hollow and I feel like at the end of the day I don't really have anything to show for it.
I have two nieces and while I love them we don't have much in common. I only see them a few times a year anyway. I think I would've loved to have had kids that I could shared myself with. And yes I know they wouldn't be just like me, but at least I could've been a father to them. And maybe just maybe they would've had a few of the same passions as me.
Anyone else in the mid 30s - mid 40s kind of going through this right now? It just feels really hopeless right now and I worry that I've really blown it.
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