Unborn child claims squatter's rights

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In a brilliant last-minute move to avoid being painfully murdered by abortion doctors, a local baby has claimed "squatter's rights" indefinitely.

Sources say the late-term abortion procedure was halted at the last minute as the baby confirmed via sign language over ultrasound that he had the legal right to remain in his mother's womb under Oregon law.

"There's nothing we can do. The law's the law," said the beady-eyed abortionist throwing up his hands. "We can't dismember and crush this child until the legal system has done its work. Too bad."

This is just the latest in a statewide trend in which thousands of babies have avoided their own grisly murders by taking advantage of the state's extremely liberal squatter's rights laws. "These laws need to be changed immediately," said Planned Parenthood spokesperson Brett Moloch. "We believe in the unlimited right for unhoused persons to steal the private property of landowners, but the overly broad legislation has inadvertently granted rights to babies. It's disgusting and unacceptable."

At publishing time, thousands more babies were allowed to be born after they claimed amnesty as undocumented migrants while emerging from the birth canal.