Larrys Life Lessons

Posted on 3/9/16 at 9:04 am

Posted by DownSouthDave

Member since Jan 2013

7528 posts

Posted on 3/9/16 at 9:04 am

A coworker of mine has this list of sayings an old coworker used to say. I thought they were pretty funny...

quote:
1. I have been better, but I was a lot younger.
2. I have been here since Moses was a baby.
3. Any day that does not involve a lawyer or a doctor is a good day.
4. I used to collect wives, now I collect pocket knives.
5. They were as musical as slaughtering a herd of cats with a broken beer bottle.
6. It is going to get better, just not today.
7. Every step I save now is one I can use later when I get to the house.
8. I have troubles of biblical proportions.
9. I hunted him like a sinner hunts salvation.
10. I don’t know how in the world they get here without adult supervision.
11. I feel like I have been slammin’ my head in a car door all morning.
12. I can do anything except for looking young and thin.
13. If I call a bastard fat, then he is leaving a grease spot when he walks.
14. Ever feel like you are involved in someone else’s nervous breakdowns?
15. Stupidness will get you chewed up and spit out like an old piece of bubblegum.
16. There is a big black hole of stupid up there.
17. It is just like dropping a piece of buttered toast…Sometimes it lands buttered-side up, sometimes it lands buttered-side down.
18. Anytime is says “one size fits all”, it looks good on nobody.
19. Hard-headed people only learn through pain.
20. I am so old, I remember when Jesus was a corporal.
21. That man was grinnin’ like a butcher’s dog.
22. I am busier than a set of jumper cables at a fruit picker’s funeral.
23. They are too dumb to be breathing.
24. I drank so much, I started writing bad checks.
25. Downfall of the western world is 1st cousins and brother-in-laws…Too many people standing in the way of people trying to get stuff done.
26. It is as empty as my first wife’s head.
27. If you can’t eat it, drink it, or smoke it, what good is it?
28. I tend to keep bail money on me. I have those kinds of friends.
29. A snake is two long pieces of tenderloin with fangs on one end.
30. Alleviate myself from coffee…I do a lot of things in this cubicle but that is one thing I choose to do somewhere else.
31. I was doing pretty good until I got here.
32. Ain’t nothing going to happen on the 26th except for people farting their Christmas dinner.
33. I have more loose ends than a yarn shop.
34. If you put Viagra in your “miracle grow”, you won’t have to stake your tomatoes.
35. If I don’t know the answer, chances are you are in a bind.
36. That piece of meat was so rare, that two aspirin and a band-aid would have brought it back to life.
37. There is nothing a woman hates more than the truth.
38. As long as the checks don’t bounce, we will work like hell one day at a time.
39. If they have the time and money, I will have the Mormon Tabernacle Choir here in rain suits if necessary.
40. You can’t mess with me. I have 2 ex-wives and am a cancer survivor.
41. They have been on me like bulldogs on a sick cat.
42. I am trying to figure out why it is so important for me to be sitting in this chair with all the people f’ing with me.
43. This is an operating nuclear facility, not a foundry.
44. Everybody dust your shoes off and get out the fine China. We got some high-dollar company coming over.
45. A good planner should never take manslaughter out of his tool kit.
46. That “thing” was slicker than a suppository.
47. There was only one “Mr.” in my family and he died two years ago.
48. You can eat an elephant one bite at a time.
49. I had night sweats so bad, I would wake up and my sheets would be like pulling cling-wrap off a piece of meat.
50. Right now it does not suck to be me.

3 ...

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Posted by DownSouthDave

Member since Jan 2013

7528 posts

Posted on 3/9/16 at 9:04 am to DownSouthDave

quote:
51. You need to clone me…And as soon as I can find him a place to sit, he will be in a bigger bind than I am in.
52. I don’t know what we are paying Llibre, but we are getting a bargain.
53. Life is not fair. Get me another beer.
54. He is a good fellow…Heart as big as a Volkswagen.
55. Nobody knows how to have “fun” anymore. When is the last time someone asked you to go out and drink white liquor and shoot signs?
56. I learned at an early age that I could get anything I wanted from my mom by giving her a “big smile”. The only exception to this was beer and cigarettes.
57. I am just an old pipe fitter with a walking stick.
58. You sounded taller on the telephone.
59. He’s a good ole boy, but I would not even let him drive a nail if I had one.
60. Those inserts were installed when I was young and good-looking and that was obviously a long time ago.
61. Those inserts were installed when Moses was in the bull rushes.
62. Ugly? It has been a bucket of arse holes for the last six months.
63. We don’t stock anything here except for Kotex and lint-free rags.
64. I have an NLI drawing that is not worth a pinch of goat shite.
65. I want this place to be like Hardees…When I order a fish sandwich; I don’t want to walk away with a hotdog in my sack.
66. Drinking that concoction was like drinking rain water run-off from a freshly paved parking lot.
67. In case of fire, beat out with planner.
68. Do you know that David Cronin fellow? He’s that little midget from Wilmington.
69. You put “Dale” in Google and “Jarrett” comes up before “Earnhardt”. That hurts me like putting a stick in my eye.
70. I didn’t buy this dog. I am just trying to make it hunt.
71. You sure you need that? That will cost me as much as a condo in hell with A/C.
72. It’s tough being poor and hired out.
73. It’s awful! My cubicle is starting to look like a paper drive.
74. I never went to school. I got my management training from Tony Soprano on HBO.
75. I don’t know who it is, but somebody is working on something right now that will “challenge” me first thing Monday morning.
76. We have never had anything breakable that didn’t break. We are just a tad bit “heavy” handed.
77. If you need an iron worker, it will cost you $50/hr. for two. Those bastards can’t do anything by themselves.
78. Caller to Larry: I thought you weren’t going to help me. Larry to caller: Sometimes solutions just walk through the door.
79. Build one bridge, you are not a bridge builder…But if you go down on one guy, you are a Homo ‘til the day you die!
80. Just ‘cause I got a stick in my hand don’t make me Harry Potter. I can’t work magic.
81. This kind of weather scares me. I need to be somewhere drinking a cold beer. When is the last time you heard of somebody being struck by lightning in a beer joint?
82. PIPS VS. CORRECTIVE ACTION: If I am in bed and hear glass break, I am grabbing my gun and shooting some SOB. That is corrective action. Later, I would be concerned about blood on my carpet. That is something I could wait on and write a PIP about.
83. To tell you how “good” my job is, I had a dentist appointment scheduled for this morning and was excited about it.
84. I got my eight hours sleep last night between 1:30 AM and 2:30 AM. Today is going to be a good day.
85. I have been divorced twice and have not killed either one of them. I am a monument for self-control.
86. You can have your head in many places at the same time, but your as_ can only be in one place.
87. There has only been one perfect person and look what they did to him. Everyone else is flawed.
88. I had her “dripping like a window unit.” Then my wife showed up.
89. I am getting beat to death buy a big bag of dumbass.
90. We were puppies from the same box.
91. I was hell when I was well.
92. I am sleeping with the best cook I have ever known.
93. He is an engineer. He doesn’t know.
94. I have laid out the “Yellow Brick Road.” I just can’t make them follow it.
95. A good friend of mine came to Clemson for his Phd. He discovered the Esso Club, got drunk and never looked back.
96. Eyeballs and gonads are two of the most delicate items we own. We only have 2 of each and there are no “re-runs”.
97. Bloom’s is in a higher-end market. They typically hire clerks who have all of their teeth and don’t pick their nose and wipe it on their socks.
98. The only time I have been busier, I was giving mouth to mouth while fighting a fire.
99. This place is like a circus. I am just trying to keep all of the balls in the air.
100. I got one nerve left and they are twanging that thing like the bottom string on a cheap banjo.
101. Driving a car is kinda like being married for a long time. After a while, you are satisfied with lesser performance.
102. After working 12 hours a day this week, I will be dragging in here Monday like a hit dog.