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Started By
Message
re: Random Office quote
Posted on 6/26/13 at 9:04 am to LasVegasTiger
Posted on 6/26/13 at 9:04 am to LasVegasTiger
The group scene in Grief Counseling was amazing.
All of it.
Michael: I am going to throw you this ball. When you catch the ball, I want you to say the name of a person very important to you, somebody really special who died, and then I want you to say how they died, and you may cry if you like, that is encouraged. Let me just start. Let me show you how this works. I catch the ball. I lost Ed Truck. And... it feels like somebody took my heart and dropped it into a bucket of boiling tears... and at the same time, somebody else is hitting my soul in the crotch with a frozen sledgehammer... and then a third guy walks in and starts punching me in the grief bone... and I'm crying, and nobody can hear me, because I am terribly, terribly... terribly alone.
...
Dwight: [grabbing ball] I got it. When my mother was pregnant with me, they did an ultrasound and found she was having twins. When they did another ultrasound a few weeks later, they discovered, that I had resorbed the other fetus. Do I regret this? No. I believe his tissue has made me stronger. I now have the strength of a grown man and a little baby.
Michael: Okay, why don't you throw the ball to somebody else.
Stanley: [throwing ball back] Nope.
Michael: [returning ball to Stanley] Oh, yes
Stanley. Come on. Your turn, you have to go.
Stanley: I will NOT. [throws ball back]
Michael: Okay... I'm going to toss the ball to Pam.
Pam: Let's see. I had an aunt that I was really close to. She was this amazing female boxer. Um, anyway, she was injured in a fight, and she was paralyzed. So, you can imagine how upset I was when I found out that she asked her manager to remove her breathing tube so she could die.
Michael: Wow. If you wanna cry, that's okay.
Ryan: [catching ball] Thanks. Um, a few years ago, my family was on a safari in Africa and, um, my cousin, Mufasa was um, he was trampled to death by a pack of wildebeests and, um, we all... took it really hard. All of us kind of in the audience of what happened.
Michael: Do you want to talk about it anymore?
Ryan: Oh, it would probably take me like an hour and a half to tell that whole story.
Kevin: Me, me, me, me, me me. [catches ball] Yes. Okay, um. I was trying to throw this party once. And everyone was over for the weekend. And then my uncle Bernie died, and so me and my best friend, we had to pretend like he was alive, so...
Michael: Wait a second. That's Weekend at Bernie's. [upset] Do you think that this is a game?
Phyllis: Well, there is a ball.
All of it.
Michael: I am going to throw you this ball. When you catch the ball, I want you to say the name of a person very important to you, somebody really special who died, and then I want you to say how they died, and you may cry if you like, that is encouraged. Let me just start. Let me show you how this works. I catch the ball. I lost Ed Truck. And... it feels like somebody took my heart and dropped it into a bucket of boiling tears... and at the same time, somebody else is hitting my soul in the crotch with a frozen sledgehammer... and then a third guy walks in and starts punching me in the grief bone... and I'm crying, and nobody can hear me, because I am terribly, terribly... terribly alone.
...
Dwight: [grabbing ball] I got it. When my mother was pregnant with me, they did an ultrasound and found she was having twins. When they did another ultrasound a few weeks later, they discovered, that I had resorbed the other fetus. Do I regret this? No. I believe his tissue has made me stronger. I now have the strength of a grown man and a little baby.
Michael: Okay, why don't you throw the ball to somebody else.
Stanley: [throwing ball back] Nope.
Michael: [returning ball to Stanley] Oh, yes
Stanley. Come on. Your turn, you have to go.
Stanley: I will NOT. [throws ball back]
Michael: Okay... I'm going to toss the ball to Pam.
Pam: Let's see. I had an aunt that I was really close to. She was this amazing female boxer. Um, anyway, she was injured in a fight, and she was paralyzed. So, you can imagine how upset I was when I found out that she asked her manager to remove her breathing tube so she could die.
Michael: Wow. If you wanna cry, that's okay.
Ryan: [catching ball] Thanks. Um, a few years ago, my family was on a safari in Africa and, um, my cousin, Mufasa was um, he was trampled to death by a pack of wildebeests and, um, we all... took it really hard. All of us kind of in the audience of what happened.
Michael: Do you want to talk about it anymore?
Ryan: Oh, it would probably take me like an hour and a half to tell that whole story.
Kevin: Me, me, me, me, me me. [catches ball] Yes. Okay, um. I was trying to throw this party once. And everyone was over for the weekend. And then my uncle Bernie died, and so me and my best friend, we had to pretend like he was alive, so...
Michael: Wait a second. That's Weekend at Bernie's. [upset] Do you think that this is a game?
Phyllis: Well, there is a ball.
1
Posted on 6/26/13 at 9:09 am to Hoodoo Man
I wanted to say that but was way to much
quote:
It was on company property, with company property. So, double jeopardy, we're fine.
This post was edited on 6/26/13 at 9:10 am
Posted on 6/26/13 at 9:11 am to wish i was tebow
I found a website.
I didn't write it all, in case you were wondering.
I didn't write it all, in case you were wondering.
Posted on 6/26/13 at 9:14 am to wish i was tebow
Gay Witch Hunt episode had some great ones 
Dwight Schrute: You could assume everyone is and not say anything offensive.
Michael Scott: Yeah. I'm sure everyone would appreciate me treating them like they were gay.
Michael Scott: [in regards to Oscar being gay] I would have never called him that if I knew. You don't call retarded people retards. It's bad taste. You call your friends retards when they're acting retarded. And I consider Oscar a friend.
Michael Scott: [after getting in trouble for harassing Oscar for being gay] Look, I watch "The L Word," okay?
Jan Levinson: Good. Good.
Michael Scott: I watch "Queer as..."
[bleep]
Michael Scott: so...
Jan Levinson: That's not what it's called.
Creed: I'm not offended by homosexuality. In the '60s, I made love to many, many women, often outdoors, in the mud and the rain, and it's possible a man slipped in. There would be no way of knowing.
Dwight Schrute: You could assume everyone is and not say anything offensive.
Michael Scott: Yeah. I'm sure everyone would appreciate me treating them like they were gay.
Michael Scott: [in regards to Oscar being gay] I would have never called him that if I knew. You don't call retarded people retards. It's bad taste. You call your friends retards when they're acting retarded. And I consider Oscar a friend.
Michael Scott: [after getting in trouble for harassing Oscar for being gay] Look, I watch "The L Word," okay?
Jan Levinson: Good. Good.
Michael Scott: I watch "Queer as..."
[bleep]
Michael Scott: so...
Jan Levinson: That's not what it's called.
Creed: I'm not offended by homosexuality. In the '60s, I made love to many, many women, often outdoors, in the mud and the rain, and it's possible a man slipped in. There would be no way of knowing.
Posted on 6/26/13 at 9:14 am to Hoodoo Man
quote:
I found a website.
I didn't write it all, in case you were wondering.
yeah i figured
Im at work so I dont like going random places like that haha
Posted on 6/26/13 at 9:17 am to bwallcubfan
quote:
Michael Scott: [in regards to Oscar being gay] I would have never called him that if I knew. You don't call retarded people retards. It's bad taste. You call your friends retards when they're acting retarded. And I consider Oscar a friend.
This is probably my favorite line. I say it all the time. and yeah the witch hunt has some great lines
Posted on 6/26/13 at 9:19 am to wish i was tebow
Jim Halpert: Okay, just so I understand it. In your wildest fantasy, you are in hell and you are co-running a bed and breakfast with the devil.
Dwight Schrute: But I haven't told you my salary yet.
Jim Halpert: Go.
Dwight Schrute: Eighty thousand dollars.
Dwight Schrute: But I haven't told you my salary yet.
Jim Halpert: Go.
Dwight Schrute: Eighty thousand dollars.
Posted on 6/26/13 at 9:20 am to LasVegasTiger
There is a master key and a spare key for the office. Dwight has them both. When I asked, "what if you die, Dwight? How will we get into the office?" He said, "if I'm dead, you guys have been dead for weeks."
Posted on 6/26/13 at 9:23 am to LasVegasTiger
Here are some from Women's Appreciation episode
Angela: Sometimes the clothes at the GapKids are just too flashy. So, I am forced to go to American Girl store and order clothes for large colonial dolls.
Michael Scott: My point is... A penis, when seen in the right context, is the most wonderful sight for a woman. But in the wrong context, it is like a monster movie.
Dwight Schrute: "Alien."
[makes monster noise]
Dwight Schrute: I wish I could menstruate. If I could menstruate, I wouldn't have to deal with idiotic calendars anymore. I'd just be able to count down from my previous cycle. Plus, I'd be more in tune with the moon and the tides.
Michael Scott: Let's face it. Most guys are from the Dark Ages. They're cavemen. And they like a woman to be showing her cleavage and to be wearing eight-inch heels. And to be wearing see-through underpants. But for me, a woman looks best when she is just absolutely naked.
and this is the best one
Dwight Schrute: This is a petition for the business park to upgrade their security cameras, as well as install two floodlights in the parking lot. And I know what you're thinking: Won't that just shed more light on the penises? But that is a risk we have to take. Pam, you can draw, kind of. Why don't you work with Phallus on drawing a picture of the exposer that I can post around the community?
Pam Beesley: Phallus?
Dwight Schrute: Phyllis. Sorry. I've got penises on the brain.
Angela: Sometimes the clothes at the GapKids are just too flashy. So, I am forced to go to American Girl store and order clothes for large colonial dolls.
Michael Scott: My point is... A penis, when seen in the right context, is the most wonderful sight for a woman. But in the wrong context, it is like a monster movie.
Dwight Schrute: "Alien."
[makes monster noise]
Dwight Schrute: I wish I could menstruate. If I could menstruate, I wouldn't have to deal with idiotic calendars anymore. I'd just be able to count down from my previous cycle. Plus, I'd be more in tune with the moon and the tides.
Michael Scott: Let's face it. Most guys are from the Dark Ages. They're cavemen. And they like a woman to be showing her cleavage and to be wearing eight-inch heels. And to be wearing see-through underpants. But for me, a woman looks best when she is just absolutely naked.
and this is the best one
Dwight Schrute: This is a petition for the business park to upgrade their security cameras, as well as install two floodlights in the parking lot. And I know what you're thinking: Won't that just shed more light on the penises? But that is a risk we have to take. Pam, you can draw, kind of. Why don't you work with Phallus on drawing a picture of the exposer that I can post around the community?
Pam Beesley: Phallus?
Dwight Schrute: Phyllis. Sorry. I've got penises on the brain.
Posted on 6/26/13 at 9:24 am to LasVegasTiger
quote:
There is a master key and a spare key for the office. Dwight has them both. When I asked, "what if you die, Dwight? How will we get into the office?" He said, "if I'm dead, you guys have been dead for weeks."
love that one
Posted on 6/26/13 at 9:26 am to bwallcubfan
Pam is trying to get out of going to lunch with Michael and her mother. she says theres a problem and jim says ill talk to them. hello yeah? great! turns out the paper was there all along
cut to creed:
theres something wrong, that paper was never suppose to get there
and this is so money
cut to creed:
theres something wrong, that paper was never suppose to get there
quote:
There is a master key and a spare key for the office. Dwight has them both. When I asked, "what if you die, Dwight? How will we get into the office?" He said, "if I'm dead, you guys have been dead for weeks."
and this is so money
This post was edited on 6/26/13 at 9:29 am
Posted on 6/26/13 at 9:28 am to bwallcubfan
Dwight Schrute:
What is my perfect crime? I break into Tiffany's at midnight. Do I go for the vault? No, I go for the chandelier. It's priceless. As I'm taking it down, a woman catches me. She tells me to stop. It's her father's business. She's Tiffany. I say no. We make love all night. In the morning, the cops come and I escape in one of their uniforms. I tell her to meet me in Mexico, but I go to Canada. I don't trust her. Besides, I like the cold. Thirty years later, I get a postcard. I have a son and he's the chief of police. This is where the story gets interesting. I tell Tiffany to meet me in Paris by the Trocadero. She's been waiting for me all these years. She's never taken another lover. I don't care. I don't show up. I go to Berlin. That's where I stashed the chandelier.
What is my perfect crime? I break into Tiffany's at midnight. Do I go for the vault? No, I go for the chandelier. It's priceless. As I'm taking it down, a woman catches me. She tells me to stop. It's her father's business. She's Tiffany. I say no. We make love all night. In the morning, the cops come and I escape in one of their uniforms. I tell her to meet me in Mexico, but I go to Canada. I don't trust her. Besides, I like the cold. Thirty years later, I get a postcard. I have a son and he's the chief of police. This is where the story gets interesting. I tell Tiffany to meet me in Paris by the Trocadero. She's been waiting for me all these years. She's never taken another lover. I don't care. I don't show up. I go to Berlin. That's where I stashed the chandelier.
This post was edited on 6/26/13 at 9:29 am
Posted on 6/26/13 at 9:31 am to wish i was tebow
quote:
cut to creed:
God Creed one liners were great:
Hey, bro, I've been meaning to ask you, can we get some Red Bull for these things? Sometimes a guy's got to ride the bull. Am I right? Later, skater.
Creed: That is Northern Lights, Cannabis indica.
Dwight Schrute: [disappointed] No. It's marijuana.
I'm not offended by homosexuality. In the '60s, I made love to many, many women, often outdoors, in the mud and the rain, and it's possible a man slipped in. There would be no way of knowing.
Posted on 6/26/13 at 9:33 am to LasVegasTiger
Creed: Oh you're paying too much for worms man. Who's your worm guy?
Posted on 6/26/13 at 9:36 am to The_Velour_Fog
I say all the time that creed has the highest laugh to appearance ratio in TV history
I laugh literally every time
I laugh literally every time
Posted on 6/26/13 at 9:57 am to wish i was tebow
quote:
Jan's lawyer: How long have you known Ms. Levinson?
Michael: Six years and two months.
Jan's lawyer: And you were directly under her the whole time?
Michael: That's what she said.
Jan's lawyer: Excuse me?
Michael: [slowly] That's what she said.
Posted on 6/26/13 at 10:04 am to TDTGodfather
quote:
Jan's lawyer: How long have you known Ms. Levinson?
Michael: Six years and two months.
Jan's lawyer: And you were directly under her the whole time?
Michael: That's what she said.
Jan's lawyer: Excuse me?
Michael: [slowly] That's what she said.
shes butchering the delivery
when he talks about his diary and Ryan then toby loses it I lose it every time
Posted on 6/26/13 at 10:07 am to rondo
quote:
In a simil fashion, my dad always says. "rub a dub dub...lets eat"
Michael: Fool me once, strike one. Fool me twice... strike three.
Posted on 6/26/13 at 10:09 am to TDTGodfather
quote:
Michael: Fool me once, strike one. Fool me twice... strike three.
I use this all the time. I get some looks when the person doesnt know what im quoting
Posted on 6/26/13 at 10:31 am to wish i was tebow
"I only weigh 86 pounds"
"Save, Bandit"
"Save, Bandit"
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