re: When are kids most expensive?

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Feral

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?

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mortgage-esque daycare payment

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Babies don't go to daycare; our preschool tuition is about 1/3 the cost of the mortgage.

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consistent costs of diapers

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So $150 or so upfront, plus whatever the laundry detergent costs?

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formula

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You mean breast milk?

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constant trips to the doctor

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OMG, a $10 copay!

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babies/toddlers are cheap

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You're right. What I should have said is, "babies/toddlers are cheap, unless you actively go out of your way to make them as expensive as possible."

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"except for my house, phone, car, and student loan payments, I don't have any debt!"

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You took out a loan to pay for your phone? Sounds like you need to click over to the money board. They can help you there.