re: Most truly awkward moment on a date you've ever had

This story is long, so I apologize in advance.

This one happened back in college. It was my senior year and I was slammed with 19 hours and a part time job. I get home from school one day, exhausted, way low on sleep, and bunged up because I hadn't even had time to take a dump all day. All I wanted to do was take a dump, take a shower, and go to sleep. Just as walk in the door (I'd moved back in with my parents to save some cash)My mom asks "Remember my friend Ms. Whatever? Well her niece has been in town all week visiting and she's bored, would you mind taking her out on a date tonight and showing her around LSU campus?"

Damn. I did NOT see that in my future evening, but hey, when my mom asks a favor, I gotta oblige. So I agree, jump in the shower, no time to take a shite, get ready, and go pick this chick up. She's a cheerleader at Northwestern, but they grow the girls kinda thick up there so it's not as good as it sounds. But OK fine, she's not a troll and it's just one date.

I take her out to Sports and since I knew the head bartender we start pounding free drinks. It turns out she's pretty cool, and after several beers she's not looking so thick either. Hell, other than still having to shite, I'm having a good time. We end up dancing and flirting and there's some chemistry going on.

As it gets later, things get hotter and she asks if I know somewhere we can go? Well, I'm NOT taking her back to my parents house, and I'm NOT taking her back to her aunts place, but I definitely want to get this girl naked now. So we jump in my truck and head back towards Central. things are cool on the drive, but in the back of my mind I'm in panic mode. I still have this massive dump on deck that's been brewing all day and it's just a ticking time bomb ready to explode. Also, I don't have a condom!

We pass a gas station and I quickly think, here's my chance to kill two birds with one stone. I say "I really need some water, I'm going to pop out and get some, be right back". Guys, you know how it is when you've been holding in a turdvalanch all day, and as you finally approach the opportunity to release it, all your muscles go from lock down mode to open the floodgates. I was fast walking across the parking lot beelining for the bathroom when I hit the door to the Stop and Rob and the mf'er is CLOSED! F*&K!

All I can do is try to shut the system down again and get back in the truck. But I persevere and head back to the woods between Biltmoore and Biltmoore II. I pull in to the trees and we start going at it. But my truck is a little Toyota, single cab with bench seat, and almost no room to maneuver. We open the doors to give some room but it's May, hot and humid as hell, and the mosquitoes start tearing our asses up. I get her cloths off and I'm down to boxers, but my stomach is gurgling, we're both sobering up, and the mosquito banquet is killing us. Finally, we both just can't take it and we get dressed and I bring her home. I manage to not shite myself as I walk her to the door, kiss her goodnight, and just as I turn to leave, a loudass fart escapes! I just kept walking to the truck, hoping I haven't sharted myself, and SPEED home.

I get home, take the worst dump of my life, and crawl in to bed. The next day I look in the mirror and I'm covered in bites and the bitch gave me a hicky!

I stumble to the kitchen and my mom says "Ms. Whatever called to thank you for taking niece out, she said she had a wonderful time"

I mumbled something and went back to bed.