re: My wife and I had an abortion. AMA

Hello Big Timer085,

I went through a similar situation but the difference was my sons heart did not beat hard enough leading to there was nothing to “fix”. Once he gained a certain weight, his heart would no longer support his body. That was at 36 weeks. Way longer than those high risk doctors(of whom I despise because of arrogance) predicted.

Having an option for abortion was never mentioned by my docs or even myself. I thought if I didn’t fight for him, who would? Instead I drove 350 miles round trip from Fairfield, TX to Austin, TX every single week for my high risk appointment for 16 weeks without blinking an eye. Many interns learned from my unfortunate circumstance. I was like a real life in the moment study. If they asked to put a giant needle through my belly to insert it in to his belly in order to gain fluid to study and and evaluate to perhaps save more babies in the future, it was a go for me.

On the flip side meaning home life. That little man never kicked harder than when I was reading to my 2 year old at the time. Every night before bed, her and I would read numerous books and enjoy the time with him. He loved hearing our voices together and shared those special moments connecting with him.

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All things considered, we decided to terminate the pregnancy at 22 weeks. There were many reasons we considered, and ultimately didn't want our 3 year old's first memory to be the death of baby sister.

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The only real difference in our stories are that I chose to carry out the pregnancy until he naturally died. I was a giant 36 week pregnant mom while your wife was 22 weeks and probably “showed” a bit but not enough for your 3 year old to realize what was going on.

And if your wondering about a child’s emotions at 26 months old. Three days after the delivery of her brother and back at home putting her down to sleep without our usual routine. I explained to her that bubby died and was not coming home. The sound she made was the same sound I made when the cowardly doctor was unable to say the words that my baby was dead. I had to say them out loud.

Everyone handles situations differently. I’m 8 years in and still trying to figure things out. All questions still remain unanswered. The fact you are the husband here ultimately asking for compassion is refreshing. Love your wife and continue to reassure each other you made the best decision you could together. In your situation, there is NO right answer. I hope you have all the healthy children you desire in the future.

These challenges will only make you both stronger in the end. And never waste time regretting the things you can not change. Look forward.