re: So that was awkward

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Church youth group. I managed to work my way over next to the hot girl. During the prayer, I tried to sneak out a silent fart that turned out to be less than silent.

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Not sure which is worse...I had a similiar situation, except I did successfully sneak out a silent fart in Church. No one heard it - BUT, it was rotten and deadly! I felt like everyone in the building could smell it - even the priest on the alter.

one in particular i was an observer...was talking to this woman who had a bad liver, on a transplant list even, and a distended belly. another lawyer friend of mine walks up and starts making small talk...looks at the lady and says "so, how long have you been pregnant?"

"i'm not pregnant."

"oh...hrumph. well...you wanna be?"

holy frick...

I moved right before my senior year of high school, so new school and all. We are at baseball practice doing some pitching drills.

Well a kid said something sort of sexual, and I hit him with a "That's not what your mom said last night."

Turns out his mother and father had been killed in a car accident like 6 months before. Which I learned in the seconds following the mom joke. He got very quiet and never really talked to me again.

How the hell was I supposed to know?

I was alone in an elevator at my friend's apartment building in Atlanta a few years ago, and on comes a nice young black gentleman that is somehow holding 3 watermelons. Being the bigot little shite that I was, I thought it would be hilarious to get a picture of this walking stereotype. So I discretely pull out my phone, get the angle just right so he doesn't notice, and take the picture.

In that moment, I forgot I had the flash on, as well as the volume, so a nice "krr-chick" photo sound fills the elevator, and it becomes clear to the nice gentleman that I had just taken a photo of him. He looks at me, I look back at him, and the silence is brutal. And then, as the elevator comes to a stop and the door opens, he shakes his head disapprovingly as it is now obvious that I am a piece of shite racist. He walks off the elevator, and I reevaluate my life.

I was standing in my brother's wedding and the photographer obviously wasn't a professional, and I said something like "why are we wasting our time with this nobody."

My very new sister-in-law pointed out it was her aunt, and the whole bridal party gave me the stank.

I was in class in undergrad sitting between two really gorgeous girls and after chatting with both of them prior to the start of class , was feeling pretty good. About halfway through class my pen rolled off my desk onto the floor. When I leaned over a loud fart made its escape. All noise, all pen tapping and paper rustling in the class ceased and the professor even paused mid sentence for what seemed like a minute but was probably 2 seconds. I shot bolt upright and began praying God would have mercy and render it scentless, but no such luck. No one made a visible reaction but it took real resolve to be that polite to me. Meanwhile, I broke out into a sweat on my forearms as droplets of sweat began to form but not run off. My arms looked like the hood of a new car after a small rain shower. I said nothing and didn't move for the next 30 minutes. everyone knew who it was because the class desks were arranged in a manner where we were facing each other. I skipped the next 2 weeks of class.

When in college, I worked as a server in a restaurant. One night, we were slammed and I realized that I had been sat with another table. I was already in the process of doing something, but figured I would grab a drink order from the table since I was walking past it. I quickly stop and ask if what they'd like to drink. The dad says something like "1 tea, a Coke and 2 Sprites'. I say ok and quickly start to leave. After about 2 steps, I turn around and say "I'm sorry, I'm retarded, did you say a Coke and 2 Sprites or 2 Cokes and a Sprite". An awkward silence ensued. I finally glance over to the kids and the son had Downs Syndrome. My jaw dropped. I had no idea what to say. I begged other servers to please take the table but no one would since we were so slammed. I recovered though, I paid a lot of attention to the son throughout the meal and made it a point to ensure he had a good time. At the end of the meal, the Dad shook my hand and they left me a pretty good tip. They could tell I felt like a complete jack arse.

at the gym this hot chick was on the nautilus machine (you know, the one where you spread your legs and squeeze them together?)...dude across the floor tried to do a discreet pic of her acting like he was texting...his flash went off!