Dear diary, tired of living (update pg 14)

Go take a vacation somewhere.

I’ve tried.

I’ve read that God doesn’t make junk, but I beg to differ when I look in a mirror. I have two friends in the hospital with serious illness. One will probably prove fatal. I wish I could switch with them. It’s for selfish reasons, but would ultimately be an unselfish act, if that makes sense.

I see that you’re seeing a therapist but are you getting prescribed anything? Sometimes a temporary pharmaceutical is better than a permanent bad decision.

I know you have been struggling for awhile now, but please hang in there. Things will get better. Holidays are always the worst.

There’s a lot of shite that happens in life. Some of it is out of my control, but a surprising amount is at least partially influenced by me. I’ve got shortcomings, that once identified, can be addressed and corrected on a daily basis. By striving to be a better man than I was yesterday, I’ve found that a lot of the bull shite in life has been cut back considerably and I’ve been able to recognize and appreciate more of the good. There’s a lot of good out there, my guy.

Also, God has not abandoned you. Keep praying.

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but would ultimately be an unselfish act, if that makes sense.

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Suicide is the most selfish act someone can commit. Your existence is by a design other than your own. The burden you will put on people is immense, whether you realize it or not. You make a difference in the lives of those around you. People with cancer are begging for more time-being poked and exposed to radiation. That alone should tell you how valuable life is. Think about what kind of life your daughter will inherit- the most innocent being there is born into a life without a father. Think about the financial burden you'll leave on her growing up. Divorce the mom and treasure the child. She will bring you more happiness than you'll ever realize.

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I’ve counted maybe 8 people that actually give a shite about me, that doesn’t include my unborn daughter that my cheating and soon-to-be ex-wife will deliver

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Deep down you know the pain you would cause these people if you did something to yourself. And this isn’t some kind of game you can win with the ex wife. If you were to take your own life, nobody wins. Everyone loses, especially your daughter and other children you may have. I guarantee you will affect the lives of more than just those 8 people you counted. You matter to this world.

Man if seeing, knowing, and being a part of your unborn daughter doesn’t give you strength PLEASE get help. That baby will adore you and give you the willingnees to push thru. The devil is a lair, be a part of you unborn child’s life! Think of this child learning the fate of her dad vs spending time doing life with you!
You are valued!

Hey there—

I’ve been there, feeling so alone. So many things helped.

For the short term, can you get some aerobic exercise? Jogging for short distances during a walk helped me eventually start running again— I think you’ll be surprised how much better you’ll feel.

For the long term, the New Testament gospels have absolutely nourished me, & are transforming me. If not Jesus’s words (& what I discover within them), try listening to the spirituality in the AA talks of Sandy Beach (free on YouTube).

I’m not alcoholic, & that’s irrelevant with what he shares. He addresses the solution to suffering beyond our control. listening to him is easy (he’s funny & smart), & packed deeply with meaning beyond the view you say you currently have.

It really does come down to changing our perception. Even moment to moment, this is available to us— being human, we simply frequently fall back into a false perspective. And I’ve learned I can gently snap back.

Neither of those mentioned here made money out of what they offer. Their orientations are completely different from what usually surrounds us. For me, that make a difference.