The next steps in Claudio Ranieri’s increasingly unhealthy food rewards

By Brooks Peck

The? next steps in? Claudio? Ranieri’s? increasingly unhealthy food? rewards

Experts? agree? that Claudio? Ranieri’s? Leicester? City? won the? Premier?? League in 2016 because he promised his players pizza for every clean sheet they kept that season (they ended up with 15, up from 10 the previous campaign). They also agree that having a team weighed down by all that pizza was Ranieri’s undoing the following season, resulting in him getting the sack in February 2017 and dough-lagged Leicester only keeping nine clean sheets.

And now, showing why he’s called the “Tinkerman,” Ranieri has modified his clean-sheet reward for his new gig with Fulham—the only Premier League club that hasn’t kept a clean sheet so far this season.

“Pizza is not enough now,” Ranieri said ahead of his first match with the relegation-threatened club, who have conceded the most goals in the league so far this season. “I have to promise something more. It’s better (to take) everybody to McDonald’s. I look always forward. I’m an ambitious man. I believe I have good players.”

This is troubling for several reasons, though. First, going from pizza to McDonald’s, rather than Nando’s, suggests that Ranieri is out of touch with players in England. Second, how can anyone, let alone a highly intelligent person from Italy, think McDonald’s is a greater incentive than pizza? Third, introducing fast food to the finely tuned diets of Premier League players seems like it could wreak havoc on their digestive systems. Yes, Usain Bolt won three gold medals while eating 100 McNuggets per day during the Beijing Olympics, but he couldn’t even catch on in the A-League.

It’ll take more than McNuggets to plug Fulham’s holes. And since McDonald’s is cheaper than any decent pizza, it seems Ranieri could be going for quantity over quality with his incentives at Fulham. With that in mind, here are the next food rewards he might roll out as he grows more desperate to avoid relegation.

Sausage rolls for only conceding one goal in a match

In 2016, Ranieri dubbed himself “The Sausageman” after a Leicester butcher created a Ranieri sausage, so using sausage rolls as a reward is really a no brainer. Given the way Fulham have been shipping goals (they’ve conceded 33 through 13 matches—six more than Burnley, who have conceded the second most), rewarding the team for only conceding one goal in a match could be a good start. After all, you have to walk before you can run. Or, in this case, crush your will to engage in any physical activity by eating a sausage roll before eating McDonald’s.

Fulham have held their opponents to just one goal on only two occasions this season: a 1-1 home draw with Watford and a 1-0 loss at Huddersfield. Finding a way to not be the Premier League’s wholesale store for goals will be imperative to Fulham’s chances of staying up, and shoring up their defense should give them a reasonable chance of doing so since they’ve scored 14 goals—two more than Wolves, who are all the way up in 11th place (thanks to just 15 goals conceded). But the scoring of goals is still an area where Ranieri should consider adding incentives.

KFC Double Downs anytime someone other than Aleksandar Mitrovic or Andre Schurrle scores a goal

Mitrovic and Schurrle account for 12 of Fulham’s 14 league goals this season, including all three goals in Fulham’s 3-2 win over Southampton in Ranieri’s debut. Only having four scorers (the other two being Jean Michael Seri and Ryan Sessegnon) at this point in the season is troubling, to say the least. Huddersfield and Crystal Palace have only scored eight goals each, but they still have six and five different scorers, respectively. This overreliance on Mitrovic and Schurrle obviously means it would be disastrous if either player were to suffer a significant injury, or if both somehow got trapped in an elevator together for an extended period of time.

So to help inspire their teammates to share in some of the scoring duties, Ranieri should give the team KFC Double Downs anytime someone other than Mitrovic or Schurrle score. It would be both a reward and a tribute to the Cottagers’ standout duo, as they are truly the two pieces of fried chicken that hold together Fulham’s attacking output. But who will be the bacon, cheese, and Colonel’s secret sauce?

Krispy Kreme Burgers for winning away from Craven Cottage

Fulham only have two wins this season and both have come at home. On away days, they’ve only managed one point from seven matches. It’s clear they need to start securing more points away from home in order to have any chance at staying up, but what heart-choking food incentive could possibly get Ranieri’s players to grind out results on the road?

It has to be the sweet and savory combo of the Krispy Kreme burger—that’s a cheeseburger with a glazed doughnut (or two) as the bun. Combining the doughnut’s sugary goodness with a meaty gut-plug of a burger brings together two comfort foods that will make any player forget the comforts of home. Or what it’s like to have normal cholesterol levels.

Popeyes 24-karat gold chicken wings dipped in champagne for staying up

First of all, yes, this is a real thing. And, yes, it is the only worthy reward to accompany the financial boon that is staying in the Premier League. Chicken wings smothered in edible gold and dipped in champagne are the fast food equivalent of the Premier League itself—decadent, indulgent, and completely absurd.

Fulham are nearing dangerous territory in terms of survival. Though nearly two thirds of newly promoted clubs stay up after their first year in the Premier League, being bottom of the table (as Fulham are now) at Christmas is damning. Only three clubs have overcome that position to stay up in the Premier League era (West Brom in 2004-05, Sunderland in 2013-14, and Leicester City in 2014-15—the season before The Sausageman arrived).

Coming back from 1-0 down to get three points in Ranieri’s first match with the club set a tone reminiscent of his magical first season with Leicester, but the only thing that can keep this momentum going now is the irresistible promise of delicious garbage food.