8 Demands Trump Has Made Before Zelensky Can Return

After flying to D.C. to purportedly sign a mineral rights deal, Ukrainian President Volodomyr Zelensky wound up being kicked out of the White House until further notice. Not good!

President Trump has issued a list of eight demands that Zelensky must meet in order to be allowed back on White House grounds:

1. Purchase a tuxedo t-shirt for formal events: It's a step in the right direction.

2. Spell out "I'm sorry" on the White House lawn with rare earth minerals: Ideally while Zelensky stands crying with a boombox over his head.

3. Arrange a special screening with all the other actors in Paddington: Trump loves that little bear.

4. Say one nice thing about Vladimir Putin: Just suck it up and say Putin looks good shirtless on a horse.

5. Learn how to cuss in English: We strongly prefer to be cursed at in our national language.

6. Bring two Big-Macs with Extra Large fries: Not for a particular reason, Trump was just hungry when he made this list.

7. Call your buddy Ben Stiller and tell him to please dye the gray out of his hair: It looks terrible.

8. Bring back ten of the dollars from the $100 billion in aid that he "doesn't know the location of": Shouldn't be that hard.

Just eight simple tasks and we can put this whole affair behind us. Your move, Zelensky.

BEE QUIET!