In honor of Missouri's efforts to join the SEC.

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APPLICATION TO LIVE IN FESTUS, MISSOURI

Name:________________ Nickname:______________ CB Handle:_____________

Address: (RFD):________________________________________________________

Daddy: (If unknown attach list of three suspects):_____________________

Mamma:_______________________________

Neck Shade: ( ) Light Red ( ) Medium Red ( ) Dark Red

Number of teeth exposed in full grin: Upper:______ Lower:________

Name of Pickup Owned:______________ Height of truck:__________

Truck Equipped with:
( ) Gun Rack ( ) 4-Wheel Drive ( ) Confederate Flag ( ) Toothpick Holder
( ) 8-Track ( ) Load of Wood ( ) Hijacker Shocks ( ) Mud-grip Tires
( ) Big Dog ( ) Racoon Hide ( ) Dual CB Antenna ( ) Fuzz Buster
( ) Spitoon ( ) Camper Top ( ) Mag Wheels ( ) Air Horns
( ) Mud Flaps

Number of Empty Beer Cans on Floor Board of Pickup:_________

Bumper Stickers:
( ) Eat More Possum ( ) Peanut Butter ( ) Honk if You Love Jesus
( ) Wave if You're Horny ( ) Redman Chewing Tobacco

Define the following (Must be 90% correct):
( ) Grits ( ) Muscadine ( ) Cobbler ( ) Tater
( ) Goobers ( ) Brogans ( ) Fatback ( ) Pig Skins
( ) Collards ( ) Redeye Gravy ( ) Tote ( ) Pinto Beans
( ) Sidemeat ( ) Sawmill Gravy ( ) Poke ( ) Turnip Salit
( ) Chitlins ( ) Soppin Syrup ( ) Cracker ( ) shite-on-Shingle
( ) Ramps

Favorite Vocalist:
( ) Donna Fargo ( ) Conway Twitty ( ) Loretta Lynn ( ) Hank Williams
( ) Elvis ( ) Slim Whitman ( ) Tammy Wynette ( ) Porter Wagoner
( ) Johnny Cash ( ) Willie Nelson ( ) George Jones ( ) Box Car Willie

Favorite Recreation:
( ) Square Dancin' ( ) Possum Huntin' ( ) Skinny Dippin'
( ) Craw Daddin' ( ) Gospel Singin' ( ) 4-Wheelin'
( ) Drankin' ( ) Bull Chip Throwin' ( ) Blue Grass Conventions
( ) Spitten' backy ( ) Other

Weapons Owned:
( ) Deer Rifle ( ) Bird Gun ( ) Varmit Rifle ( ) Sawed-off Shotgun
( ) Tire Iron ( ) Pick Handle ( ) Log Chain ( ) Power (chain) saw

Number of Hound Dogs:___ Type: ( ) Blue Tick ( ) Black & Tan ( ) Beagle

Emblem: ( ) John Deere ( ) CAT ( ) Budweiser ( ) McCulloch Chain Saw
( ) PBR ( ) NAPA ( ) Coors ( ) Skoal
( ) Confederate Flag ( ) Basagran

Number of Weeks Unemployed:_____ Number of Welfare Checks Received:_____

Number of Dependents (Legal):______ (Claimed):______

Memberships:
( ) KKK ( ) NRA ( ) Moose ( ) PTL Club ( ) VFW ( ) American Legion
( ) Bass Club ( ) United Sons/Daughters of the Confederacy

Length of Left Leg:______ Length of Right Leg:______

Does your truck contain some part painted the official state color,
Primer Red?______

How many cars do you have jacked up on blocks in your front yard?______

How many kitchen appliances (working or not) do you keep on your front
porch?______

Will you be a part of the Missouri Intelligentsia with a measurable
IQ?______

Do you wear mostly double knit polyester pants with snags?______

Do you own any shoes, if so how many? ______
What year did you last purchase shoes? ______

Are you married to any of the following?
( ) Sister ( ) Cousin ( ) Sow Do you know her name? ______

Does your wife weigh more than your pickup?______

Can you sign your name and get the spelling right every time?______

Have you ever stayed sober for a whole weekend?______

Can you count: Past 10 with your shoes on? ______
To 21 with your fly up? ______

Medical Information:
Do you have at least 2 of the following:
( ) BO ( ) Crabs ( ) Head Lice ( ) Bad Breath
( ) Scabies ( ) Trench Mouth ( ) Runny Nose

Do you know any words that have more than 4 letters?______

Have you EVER had more than one bath in a week? ______

Signature (if any) _____________________________

Fill in as many blanks as you can and mail to:
Mayor's Office
c/o Tanglefoot Saloon
Festus, Missouri 63028