I'd rather tell you about your mom, but...

My dad was left reeling when my mom left him abruptly when I was a toddler (basically abandoned us both on a dime). He took great care of me as single dad as best he could - in an era when "single dad" wasn't really a thing. However, he still struggled with anger. Several years later, he married my step-mom, who went on to blow our entire family to smithereens. I somehow was able to hit the eject button as a teenager, but he never got out. We were in and out of estrangement for decades, as she slowly beat the will to live out of him and forbid him to see friends and family. (He used to get together with his Catholic High buddies at Coffee Call after church every week until she forbid it. These were friends of literally 60 years.)

Well, she up and died fairly recently (their "plan" was always for HIM to die first). A neighbor found him in the house, withered down to about 125lbs, eating out of an ice chest because she wouldn't allow the expense of having their fridge repaired after the hurricane shorted it or something. The neighbor somehow got my name out of him, and managed to get in touch with me. He was terrified that I wouldn't respond.

In any event, I got down to BR and attempted to put the situation right. Got him eating again and surrounded by all the people she had cut out for years. He was deeply full of shame, but also seemed deeply grateful that all of those estranged family members immediately came to his aid and comfort the second they were let in - despite decades of ill treatment. Got him moved into an assisted living facility of quality repute in BR. We thought this would "save" him. To the contrary, he appears to have already been too damaged. He only lasted 2 months in AL before having to go into the memory care unit. In December, he was officially diagnosed Alzheimers (and he is 100 pounds heavier than that day he was found shriveled up).

He knows who I am and all, but I believe he is trapped in a mental space that curses him with high anxiety when I (or any of the other forbidden folks) attempt to interact with him. His first thought is something like "am I allowed to do this?" I would say his quality of life is terrible - it's not even a life.

Moral of the story: the biggest decisions you make in life are the PEOPLE you choose to partner with and have deep relationships with. I don't know if he was mentally weak or what, but he chose extremely poorly. CHOSE a woman over his only child. CHOSE to submit to a regime that ruined him.

I don't know how I got out, but I'm glad I did. I hope he passes away in peace. I know for damn sure this is NOT how I have conducted my life.

Still, he's Daddy. It makes me sad to think back to those "single dad" times when he really did dedicate himself to my care. And it absolutely BREAKS ME INSIDE to even consider the notion that I could do something to my own brood that would have them be in this position relative to me in my dotage. NOT GONNA HAPPEN.