re: Merry Christmas to everyone I love the ot and everyone here, 2022 is about living

Thanks for having the courage to come here and be honest with your current situation at least in an anonymous forum. Please take the time to listen to the following link when you have time. This guy does a really good job of addressing where you are right now.

The only thing I would add to what he says is that I don't know your history, but if you are using substances right now you need to stop until you get past this. Substances only make you feel better temporarily but cumulatively they actually make it far worse and a very high percentage of people who complete a suicide do so while intoxicated. So listen to this and think about which parts are applicable to you.

Jordan Peterson on suicide