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10. Require all spectators and riders to take a rapid antigen based covid-19 paper test the day of the parade. Although less sensitive than PCR testing, this is a cheap and quick alternative that likely catches most infectious carriers of the virus. A new branch of public health officers, perhaps the Mardi Gras Covid Posse, could walk through crowds asking to see proof of a recent test. Failure to provide one would result in expulsion from the parade and a fine.

9. Increase the number of Flambeaux. For tradition's sake, some will continue lighting the night with fire. However, most of the new Flambeaux would hoist torches that emit virus-destroying UV light. Because this light can cause cancer and blindness, adequate sunglasses, clothing, and sunscreen would be required. This point brings us to #8.

8. Dress codes should be required at every parade. Perhaps if people began concerning themselves with honorable outfits, they might take their hygiene more seriously. Men should be outfitted in slacks, a button-up shirt, and a sports coat. Ties are optional. Women should not allow their midriff or shoulders to be visible. Jeans are never acceptable.

7. Hand sanitizer dispensers should be placed on every block of the parade route. They should be refilled regularly. Do not go cheap here. Get the automatic, motion-detected dispenser. No one wants to touch the same lever that thousands of others have touched.

6. Floats should have Christian themes. God saves, and if we are going to celebrate properly this Christian holiday, we should reduce the paganism and increase the great wealth of our heritage.

5. Because marching band members require that their masks be off and their wind instruments spread respiratory secretions in a great cloud, live music would not be possible. Instead, wind instruments, both brass and woodwinds, would record their music and march while lip-syncing. Drummers and those whose music's energy does not come from the mouth could play live.

4. Require N-95 masks of all riders and spectators. If real N-95s are worn properly at all times at a parade, I suspect respiratory virus transmission would be minimal.

3. Once and for all, eliminate ladders and step stools. Children should learn to scrounge for the scraps. Mardi Gras teaches children the discipline of hustling and working for what you want. Ladders do nothing but breed entitled little Napoleons. They are to Mardi Gras what Sucre is to New Orleans baking.

2. No more made in China throws. All throws must be made in America. This rule would eliminate the mounds of waste that help to clog our drains and pollute our landfills. How much more fun would it be to catch glass beads handmade by one of the riders? If anyone would like some ideas, please refer to TulaneLSU's Christmas bead crafting.

1. Eliminate alcohol on parade routes. While we cannot stop people from drinking the drug before they arrive, we can remove inebriated spectators and riders.