re: When did you start making your own decisions? (Adulthood helicopter parent thread)

My parents started backing off me when I turned around 16 and let me make my own mistakes and were there to guide me and help me through them but ultimately didn’t shelter me from the real world

quote:

---

I'm not talking asking for advice. I'm talking, taking your 50-70 year old parent with you to shop for those items etc.

Taking a parent with you shopping is just a different form of advice seeking. It's not something I ever did, but I wouldn't judge someone for it. Making an informed decision is something more people should do.

---

I should say...needing their blessing to do it more than asking advice.

quote:

---

I won't stop beating this drum cause I saw how bad it wrecked my sister....this shite needs to happen when you step out the door for college. I and alot of people I know did that...stumbled and learned.

My mom lived 4 feet up my sisters arse and she let her. My mom would make appointments for her, grocery shop with her, do her laundry and call her everyday about what happened. Next thing you know she's an adult with severe anxiety about everything. It took her till just about now (she's 27) to break away and start doing for herself.

What's worse is her and my moms relationship is wrecked. My mom internalized this as normal over the years so when my sister finally became an adult, she lost it. She hates my sisters fiance as he's surly the guy who took her away.

The normal separation NEEDS to happen

---

This is almost the identical situation I’m dealing with between my mom and sister. It sucks because my sister has now completely cut her off from seeing their grandkids. Holidays are going to be brutal this year.

quote:

---

I ask for their input far more than they offer it unsolicited.

---

I think that's the distinction. You asked. They didn't go (I'm assuming) to you not understanding why your electricity was cut off and asking you to fix it.

Kid asks me, I'll offer advice, but I will not be invested over whether they take that advice or not. Because if they make a bad decision, I'm not f$%@* paying for it. You (kid) will. Work an extra shift for a few weeks, you don't make the mistake again. Far more effective than me "fixing" it for them for the next 15 years.

ETA: Changed pronouns to make it clearer I wasn't going at poster, but my own kids with that attitude.

I made the decision to join the military at 18 so I would say then ,but the military is structured in a way where most decisions are made for you and your personal life revolves around that to an extent. So in a sense you are an adult capable doing some things in your off time ,but you can't be late or say hey I am taking off or it is none of your business where I am going on leave, or I don't like this job and my boss so I will go look for another job elsewhere or I don't feel like doing PT today and etc. For me fully autonomous without any controls or restrictions would be 23 years old when I got out of the Army. Going from that structure to complete freedom was shock in a way. Fortunately at my workplace most were veterans and some I even served with who were dude you don't have to be at parade rest or you dont need to show up 15 minutes early or you don'thave to call the boss mam or sir. So it took a bit of adjustment, but yeah 23 for me.

quote:

---

I try to get input from my Dad to this dsy and all I get is "I raised you, you grown, handle it yourself."

---

That is incredibly shitty

I would say 17, I had full autonomy over what direction I took with school and work, then university and rest of my life.

Edit: although I suppose you could say regardless you don't really do it until you move out permanently, in which case 23.

They were fully supportive and offer their opinion if I ask but usually they just ask questions which help me make up my own mind as opposed to telling me / steering me in a certain way.

quote:

---

I'm a privacy freak, but nobody has any reason to know where you are. Mexico? France? Seattle? Do not talk about it, and they can't try to devise alternative "solutions" for you to accommodate themselves.

---

For example I would want to go home for a 4 day weekend and it was outside that 250 mile radius by like 75 miles. You would have to fill out a stupid fricking packet to go. Or when I was in Germany anywhere outside the local area they want you to fill out forms know who what when where and why especially if in another country. They made it a real pain in the arse to go explore and do things without having to receive briefings and that bullshite for basically a few hours of driving. It was an annoyance and pain in the arse.

My dad sort of did this with his dad. He rarely made big purchases, and we would get hand me down cars from his parents. He bought a total of only three cars for over 27 years for his family. So in high school I was driving a Grand Marquis or a Fleetwood Brougham. It was pretty embarrassing going on dates with those boats.

They would just show up to the house unannounced and open the door and walk in. This pissed off my mom so much. I thought it was funny that she never learned to lock the door to prevent a surprise. It ultimately lead to their divorce.

We had a roof where all the shingles blew off on one side of the house over a few years. Finally a leak sprung, and we would have buckets in the house collecting the dripping water after summer showers for several months. Grandfather saw this one day and was so pissed that nothing had been done about it, so he shows up the next week with a roofing crew to replace the roof.

My dad did not believe in financing, but he had several kids and tuitions to pay, and the majority of Americans have to do it. His parents paid everything in cash and lived like we were in the Great Depression.

Then he bucked the system on my 21st birthday and bought me a new car to replace a car that I had bought on my own that died. We go to his parents house for dinner one night, and were shocked and borderline upset that they did not know about it beforehand.

Part of this dynamic stemmed from the fact that my grandparents were 1st generation Americans who migrated from Europe, and in that culture the entire family unit came together/lived together in order to survive. They could not grow out of it.

I have a great deal of respect of my dad for never butting in with my family affairs with money. I think he did not like what his parents did and made sure not to continue the cycle. He was generous with gifts.

I would go to him for advice on some things after college, but stopped asking when I turned 30. He gave good advice without asserting himself with any final decision. I do think it is good to have a Dad for advisement, but not involvement.

quote:

---

The OT decides for me.

---

You might jest but I literally used the advice of the money board to make a life-changing decision back in 2016. Still don’t know if they were right or not.

I was making my own decisions by about 15 or 16. I decided what car I wanted, where I was going to college, when & where I would go on vacations with my friends etc.

My parents still paid for my car, college, and vacations , but I decided on all of it