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Posted on 6/11/16 at 7:15 am to slackster
quote:
"as if, mom, he pulls out."
LOL, I fricking lost it.
LC
Posted on 6/11/16 at 7:37 am to Pledge
If you die of cancer, I will not go to your funeral. I told my mom this when I was 12 and she started smoking again.
I meant it then. I mean it now.
When my wife got an embolism from altitude and dehydration and was in the hospital on pain meds, her doctors were explaining that she couldn't take her birth control anymore. My motherinlaw starts quizzing the doctors with stupid questions about our sex life, and in a moment of clarity, I decided this was my one chance to shut her up.
I called her by her first name and said, "it's fine, we only do anal anyways." the doctors nearly got aneurysms trying to hold their laughter in, and my wife chose that moment to actually understand what was going on, lean over, and say "SHHHHHHHHHH".
I meant it then. I mean it now.
When my wife got an embolism from altitude and dehydration and was in the hospital on pain meds, her doctors were explaining that she couldn't take her birth control anymore. My motherinlaw starts quizzing the doctors with stupid questions about our sex life, and in a moment of clarity, I decided this was my one chance to shut her up.
I called her by her first name and said, "it's fine, we only do anal anyways." the doctors nearly got aneurysms trying to hold their laughter in, and my wife chose that moment to actually understand what was going on, lean over, and say "SHHHHHHHHHH".
Posted on 6/11/16 at 7:50 am to mack the knife
Why was this upvoted so much? 
Posted on 6/11/16 at 8:03 am to TigerintheNO
Getting my tonsils taken out when I was 8 or 9
They gave you some medicine to make you loopy, was sitting there in the open backed gown and look over and tell my mom, mom the nurses can see my wee wee. She's like no, you're ok, they can't. I told her yes mom they can. She again assures me they can't.
I hop up pull off the gown and say now they can.
They gave you some medicine to make you loopy, was sitting there in the open backed gown and look over and tell my mom, mom the nurses can see my wee wee. She's like no, you're ok, they can't. I told her yes mom they can. She again assures me they can't.
I hop up pull off the gown and say now they can.
Posted on 6/11/16 at 8:34 am to TennesseeFan25
Alpha.
Pure alpha.
Pure alpha.
Posted on 6/11/16 at 8:52 am to Pledge
"It feels to good to quit."
But it was my grandmother. When I was 15 she walked in on me while I was masturbating. She looked at me with very shocked but sad eyes. She said "oh my.....noooo! I just said "please leave the room." I was in a state of euphoria and my mind wasn't right. She rushed over and grabbed my arm and tried to yank it away and a struggle ensued. She was losing the struggle and started crying. I said "I can't stop. It feels to good to quit." I ended up cumming all over both of our hands. I later felt very ashamed and told her I was sorry. She said she understood but what I did was a sin and I needed to be forgiven by Gd and not her.
But it was my grandmother. When I was 15 she walked in on me while I was masturbating. She looked at me with very shocked but sad eyes. She said "oh my.....noooo! I just said "please leave the room." I was in a state of euphoria and my mind wasn't right. She rushed over and grabbed my arm and tried to yank it away and a struggle ensued. She was losing the struggle and started crying. I said "I can't stop. It feels to good to quit." I ended up cumming all over both of our hands. I later felt very ashamed and told her I was sorry. She said she understood but what I did was a sin and I needed to be forgiven by Gd and not her.
Posted on 6/11/16 at 8:58 am to Pledge
When I was 9 I tried to ask my mom what the word masturbation meant. I had heard it on the drew Carey show and it got a lot of laughs. At the time I figured the best way to bring it up would be to just randomly throw the word into a sentence, so I did. Her response? "Don't ever say that word again." I figured out what it meant at around 12 though...a lot
This post was edited on 6/11/16 at 8:59 am
Posted on 6/11/16 at 9:11 am to Dick Leverage
quote:
She rushed over and grabbed my arm and tried to yank it away and a struggle ensued. She was losing the struggle and started crying. I said "I can't stop. It feels to good
quote:
Dick Leverage
Sick frick
Posted on 6/11/16 at 9:28 am to Kel Varnsen
quote:
She immediately knew it was blue balls and had to explain that I just needed to go jerk off
Your mom literally told you to go stroke your dick?
Posted on 6/11/16 at 9:35 am to Dick Leverage
quote:
But it was my grandmother. When I was 15 she walked in on me while I was masturbating. She looked at me with very shocked but sad eyes. She said "oh my.....noooo! I just said "please leave the room." I was in a state of euphoria and my mind wasn't right. She rushed over and grabbed my arm and tried to yank it away and a struggle ensued. She was losing the struggle and started crying. I said "I can't stop. It feels to good to quit." I ended up cumming all over both of our hands. I later felt very ashamed and told her I was sorry. She said she understood but what I did was a sin and I needed to be forgiven by Gd and not her.
I don't care if this is true or not. This is hilarious.
Posted on 6/11/16 at 4:35 pm to LongueCarabine
quote:
LOL, I fricking lost it.
You should have been there. I thought it was bad to start off, but that comment took it from 0-100 in no time. They kicked me out more so they could deal with her rather than being angry at me. In a sit down conversation about having sex with their 16 year old only daughter I managed to get away looking like the 2nd worst person in the room. It's actually quite miraculous in hindsight.
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