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Posted on 3/18/24 at 4:26 pm to jscrims
Just be there for him. That the most important part You don't have to have words.
Posted on 3/18/24 at 4:41 pm to jscrims
the most important thing you can do is be there for him after all of this settles down. Dont avoid talking about his son out of fear. He will want to know that his son is still remembered by others. Source - my niece died in a car accident.
Posted on 3/18/24 at 4:51 pm to jscrims
Just be available for him.
Posted on 3/18/24 at 5:41 pm to jscrims
Much good advice already. I’ll add a few things I came to understand after my wife died.
Don’t ask, just do. I was overwhelmed with people asking what they can do. It becomes another problem to deal with. Go ahead and send the food, mow the yard, buy the gift certificate for a dinner out for him and his wife. If they don’t want it they can just trash it, but they decide on their time.
Don’t stay away because you think “he needs space”. A loved one dying is incredibly isolating as it is. This becomes more important 60 days after the death when the rest of the world has moved on. Mark on your calendar that day a show up with a six pack.
Grief is a powerful and exhausting and surprising emotion. He will feel things he’s never felt. If you are close enough, encourage him to get help from grief counselors.
Don’t ask, just do. I was overwhelmed with people asking what they can do. It becomes another problem to deal with. Go ahead and send the food, mow the yard, buy the gift certificate for a dinner out for him and his wife. If they don’t want it they can just trash it, but they decide on their time.
Don’t stay away because you think “he needs space”. A loved one dying is incredibly isolating as it is. This becomes more important 60 days after the death when the rest of the world has moved on. Mark on your calendar that day a show up with a six pack.
Grief is a powerful and exhausting and surprising emotion. He will feel things he’s never felt. If you are close enough, encourage him to get help from grief counselors.
Posted on 3/18/24 at 5:57 pm to jscrims
Gift cards. Like lots of them in 10 dollar amounts.
My wife's family does this a lot, and they will give like $1,000 or more of gift cards to the person. You could do a collection of people. Basically a small shoe box full.
I didn't understand at first, but in a tragic loss people kind of don't know what to say or do.
My wife's family member lost someone important and he'd carry like 5 a day with him. He'd give them to people randomly or more to the point to do something nice or to stop a conversation if it got to be too much.
It ended up really structuring a day- he'd focus on how many and who would get them. It's a way to distract.
We also do this with miscarriages... Women can forget a lot of stuff when they are sorrowing so sometimes they would forget their bank cards or whatever, gift cards in the car, glove box, etc.
My wife's family does this a lot, and they will give like $1,000 or more of gift cards to the person. You could do a collection of people. Basically a small shoe box full.
I didn't understand at first, but in a tragic loss people kind of don't know what to say or do.
My wife's family member lost someone important and he'd carry like 5 a day with him. He'd give them to people randomly or more to the point to do something nice or to stop a conversation if it got to be too much.
It ended up really structuring a day- he'd focus on how many and who would get them. It's a way to distract.
We also do this with miscarriages... Women can forget a lot of stuff when they are sorrowing so sometimes they would forget their bank cards or whatever, gift cards in the car, glove box, etc.
This post was edited on 3/18/24 at 5:59 pm
Posted on 3/18/24 at 6:01 pm to jscrims
quote:
t I want to help him somehow. Any suggestions on what I could do other than be there for him?
You just said it and it is all you can do. Just be there for him. Go hug him and his family and tell them you love them and be there for him 24/7 and mean it and follow through. Don't push or crowd him but be ever present. Everyone deals with stuff like this different. Some cry, some get mad, some will want to talk about it forever and others will not talk about it at all. There is no right or wrong way.
Posted on 3/18/24 at 6:05 pm to Fletch1985
quote:
Don’t stay away because you think “he needs space”. A loved one dying is incredibly isolating as it is. This becomes more important 60 days after the death when the rest of the world has moved on. Mark on your calendar that day a show up with a six pack.
This true, when my Dad passed one of my best friends didn't show at the funeral. I don't think I will ever forget that or will ever completely get past it.
Posted on 3/18/24 at 6:05 pm to jscrims
Sometimes a hug without out words are better served.
Posted on 3/18/24 at 6:22 pm to Cosmo
quote:
Only time will fix it
Time won’t fix it. It will get better but will never be right again.
Been there, done that. Not my kid but close enough.
Volunteer to speak at the funeral if you know him well enough. Bring some food in a week or so, then again two weeks later. Not a casserole that has a dish that needs to be returned.
Tell him you or so sorry and that you always liked “insert name.” Tell a story about him that you will never forget, preferably something you never told him before.
Let him cry if he wants too.
Posted on 3/18/24 at 7:00 pm to jscrims
My husband passed away in January. I’m not drawing any comparison between being widowed and losing a child, but there were things that people did that I never would have thought of. Grief groceries-several friends sent groceries to us. Tons of Kleenex, rotisserie chickens, dog treats and kid-friendly foods for our grandkids. Offer fridge space or parking for their visitors; if you have room, maybe host out of town family if that’s needed. Maintain their lawn for them. Bring sandwich trays to the funeral home for visitation. Pick up people at the airport, offer to run errands. All of the routine things we all do aren’t going to feel routine for them. Pray for them and let them know they’re loved. I’m deeply grateful for every kindness shown to my family-every condolence expressed. It’s been mentioned several times, but being there for them after the initial outpouring of support is so helpful
Posted on 3/18/24 at 7:25 pm to jscrims
Whatever you do, don't send condolences via a text message, etc. Drive over, give him a hug, tell him you love him, tell him how you feel and offer to pray with him.
If you ask him "is there anything I can do for you?", he is going to say "no". Just do. Wash his car, polish the shoes he is going to wear to the service, mow the grass, have his suit cleaned, etc. etc.
If you ask him "is there anything I can do for you?", he is going to say "no". Just do. Wash his car, polish the shoes he is going to wear to the service, mow the grass, have his suit cleaned, etc. etc.
Posted on 3/18/24 at 7:33 pm to Tiger in the Sticks
quote:
its been mentioned several times, but being there for them after the initial outpouring of support is so helpful
This. One of my best childhood friends lost a 17 year old son and I was there at the beginning but I lost touch with him after about 3 years. I feel guilt for not being there after everyone left but I felt to close because I had a 17 year old at the time and felt surviors guilt. Now years later I feel like he will hate me for not being a friend that should have been there for him.
Posted on 3/18/24 at 7:37 pm to jscrims
There’s nothing you can do. Just offer your help and support if he needs it
Posted on 3/18/24 at 7:37 pm to WhoDatNC
quote:
Nothing you need to say or specifically do except to just be there for them
In the counseling world this is called, The Power of Presence.
Posted on 3/18/24 at 7:40 pm to mahdragonz
quote:
Gift cards. Like lots of them in 10 dollar amounts.
This is sneaky genius. He needs to be out and about, and not wallow in sorrow, and you suggest $10 at a time. Hell yes.
quote:
It ended up really structuring a day
Yes. Get out of the house, do something.
Posted on 3/18/24 at 7:49 pm to jscrims
Lost my Dad in an auto accident last May. The most helpful thing my friends did for me was just being there.
Posted on 3/18/24 at 8:02 pm to LemmyLives
quote:
Yes. Get out of the house, do something.
To clarify, he needs to go to lunch a couple of times a week as a baseline. Subway? Thai? Doesn't matter. But have somewhere to go. The worst place on the planet for a man is isolation.
Posted on 3/18/24 at 8:15 pm to jscrims
The deeper the pain, the less you say
Posted on 3/18/24 at 9:09 pm to Hondo Blacksheep
Everybody grieves differently. I would just leave him alone and let him grieve in his own personal way. If he reaches out to you be understanding. I would never mention the loss of his child. A parent losing a child is perhaps the worst thing a person has to deal with during his lifetime. I would just leave him alone and when he is ready to resume his life you will know. He will always have an ache in his heart because one thing a parent will never get over and that is a loss of a child. I would just leave him alone and let him grieve in his own personal way. My mom had a friend that she worked with and in a instant, her whole family was wiped out. She lost her husband, nine month pregnant daughter and three grand kids in a horrible traffic accident.
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