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Alcoholic family members
Posted on 7/12/16 at 9:11 am
Posted on 7/12/16 at 9:11 am
Do they fully understanding of how much of a pain in the arse they are, and they just can't help it, or do they never realize just how bad they are because they can't remember all of the details anyway?
Is it useful to tell them all the shite they did when they are sober the next day, or is it better to just leave it alone and try to make yourself forget it?
Is it useful to tell them all the shite they did when they are sober the next day, or is it better to just leave it alone and try to make yourself forget it?
27
Posted on 7/12/16 at 9:12 am to Jimbeaux
quote:
just leave it alone and try to make yourself forget it
Here's the answer
Posted on 7/12/16 at 9:14 am to Jimbeaux
Sounds like you didn't drink enough
Posted on 7/12/16 at 9:16 am to Jimbeaux
I grew up with an alcoholic dad. No amount of explaining helped long term. You aren't responsible for that person's drinking, so you have to try to separate yourself from them as much as possible.
Posted on 7/12/16 at 9:17 am to SuperSaint
quote:
Sounds like you didn't drink enough
You know, I often think just that, but the more she drinks, the less I drink. I think subconsciously, I'm aware that if I lose control of my emotions and my tongue, the situation will escalate quickly.
Posted on 7/12/16 at 9:19 am to Jimbeaux
I would just avoid that person if possible.
If it's your wife, get her some help.
If it's your wife, get her some help.
Posted on 7/12/16 at 9:20 am to Jimbeaux
quote:
Is it useful to tell them all the shite they did when they are sober the next day,
Make a chart with date and summary and if applicable post it in a common area or maybe email it around.
quote:
or is it better to just leave it alone and try to make yourself forget it?
IMO they thrive on people forgetting and not being held accountable for their actions. Of course the guilt will also drive them to drink, but so will a change in wind direction, or time passing or anything or nothing, so better to memorialize it than not. In the end until they confront it face first and seek treatment nothing will work. I have two alchy's in my family. One stopped and hasn't touched a drop in 30 years no matter the degree of celebration or stress. The other has never stopped and will die an alcoholic.
Posted on 7/12/16 at 9:20 am to Jimbeaux
quote:
just leave it alone
The worst thing to do....unless you want it to continue, increase and negatively affect the whole family. Communication can be a wonderful thing. Don't be scared of the emotions that come with "carefronting" someone about it.
Posted on 7/12/16 at 9:20 am to Evil Little Thing
quote:
I grew up with an alcoholic dad. No amount of explaining helped long term. You aren't responsible for that person's drinking, so you have to try to separate yourself from them as much as possible.
Thanks for the input, but it seems more complicated than that if it involves a spouse, and the mother of my children. Believe me, I often wish I could get miles away from her.
Posted on 7/12/16 at 9:21 am to Jimbeaux
As a recovering alcoholic myself. Thats a slippery slope. You might mention maybe getting some help. I will tell you that unless the person is willing, this will ultimately fail. Addiction not only screws the life up of the person that is enduring it, but his family suffers as well. Maybe expressing your concern and how it makes you feel to see him/her that way in a calm and loving manner might bring to light some things that he/her has never looked at. If an alcoholic feels cornered he/her is more apt to go on a binge. Its just how alcoholics works drink comes before everything. When I say everything, I mean everything. Good luck to you.
Posted on 7/12/16 at 9:23 am to Jimbeaux
quote:
seems more complicated than that if it involves a spouse,
Damn that sucks, trust me I know my wife is going through the same thing.
But on a serious note, there's no right answer. Situation sucks and there's really not much you can do. You could check out an Al Anon meeting if you wanna meet some folks going through similar shite.
Posted on 7/12/16 at 9:23 am to Jimbeaux
I don't mean physical distance, per se. You have to emotionally separate yourself. You quickly become codependent when you are modifying your behavior around her drinking & feel responsible for helping her drink less. It simply doesn't work. We can't make other people not drink. They have to do it themselves. You'll make yourself miserable trying, and give your kids major issues.
I'm not saying to give up on her. At all. But she needs help you can't provide if she has a drinking problem. I'd recommend counseling for you, or a support group like al-anon. They will both help you navigate the best way to help her and protect your children.
I'm not saying to give up on her. At all. But she needs help you can't provide if she has a drinking problem. I'd recommend counseling for you, or a support group like al-anon. They will both help you navigate the best way to help her and protect your children.
Posted on 7/12/16 at 9:23 am to Jimbeaux
quote:
but it seems more complicated than that if it involves a spouse, and the mother of my children.
Get her some help, and start documenting in case it becomes worse as in divorce and fight for the children. Obviously, that's worst case scenario, but I just watched a friend's marriage fall apart due to his wife's alcholhism. It was still hard for him to get the kids!!
Posted on 7/12/16 at 9:26 am to Jimbeaux
quote:
Do they fully understanding of how much of a pain in the arse they are, and they just can't help it, or do they never realize just how bad they are because they can't remember all of the details anyway?
By the end, he just couldn't help it. He was dying...killing himself...and that didn't stop him. Our emotional pleas and pain weren't going to.
quote:
Is it useful to tell them all the shite they did when they are sober the next day, or is it better to just leave it alone and try to make yourself forget it?
They know they do/say horrible things. They may not acknowledge it, or even know exactly what it is, but they know. He acknowledged as much before he died.
Posted on 7/12/16 at 9:27 am to LucasP
Thanks for the input, guys. I've been to one alanon meeting, and it wasn't that great, but I'll try again. It felt like a bunch of sad sacks like me, sitting around describing how water is wet.
Posted on 7/12/16 at 9:31 am to Jimbeaux
quote:
I've been to one alanon meeting, and it wasn't that great, but I'll try again.
Al Anon won't fix anything, it's pretty useless honestly except for letting you realize that you're not the only one going through it. Applying the twelve steps to a witness instead of an addict is fricking retarded. But it's the holy twelve steps so nobody questions it.
I'd say try and get her to see a shrink. Rehabs are a waste of time and money and I'm not gonna say anything about AA. Good luck.
ETA in my experience and opinion.
This post was edited on 7/12/16 at 9:32 am
Posted on 7/12/16 at 9:31 am to ThaTigerDon
I had an alcoholic dad, and it certainly wasn't fun. I recall confronting him one night as an 11 / 12 year old as he walked in the door wasted. The yelling and screaming that ensued was horrific. Things like that really stick with kids.
Posted on 7/12/16 at 9:36 am to Jimbeaux
My Dad was an alcoholic and actually died from it. I never really considered it bad until he would start drinking when he woke up. I get the mental portion of alcoholism but IMO, it's nothing compared to the physical addiction of opiates
Posted on 7/12/16 at 9:43 am to Jimbeaux
Have you approached her at all about her behavior and her seeking some help? Different people react in different ways to the suggestion that they have a problem. If she doesn't remember the behavior, video her and show it to her. May or may not help. They truly have to want help to work through it. Getting them to want help can take some time and sometimes, they never get it.
I watched a family member slowly kill himself from the problem. He literally died in a bed with an empty bottle under the covers in his early 50's, after a lifelong battle. He was in and out of rehabs. I can't count how many times he went to rehab. He lasted about 7 years or so early on, but after that, he lapsed every single time he got out of rehab.
We thought hitting rock bottom might finally do it, but he hit rock bottom many times. DWI's and driving into a business through the window when he passed out at the wheel didn't do it. Being put out of his house by his wife and his literally sleeping in neighbor's yards didn't do it. He never had the desire or it was like terminal cancer with him and there was no cure.
If you can't get her to help herself, you need to get you and your children out of there. Al Anon has helped his daughter a lot. It's not for everyone, but I recommend you give it more than one meeting. You could try a professional counselor for both of you if she will go.
If you will need to seek custody of your children, get legal and professional advice for that. Be prepared to do what you need to do before damage is done.
I'm sorry you and your family must go through with this. It's a terrible situation and it's very difficult. If she won't help herself, you should do what you need to do to help your children and yourself. Don't go down with her.
I watched a family member slowly kill himself from the problem. He literally died in a bed with an empty bottle under the covers in his early 50's, after a lifelong battle. He was in and out of rehabs. I can't count how many times he went to rehab. He lasted about 7 years or so early on, but after that, he lapsed every single time he got out of rehab.
We thought hitting rock bottom might finally do it, but he hit rock bottom many times. DWI's and driving into a business through the window when he passed out at the wheel didn't do it. Being put out of his house by his wife and his literally sleeping in neighbor's yards didn't do it. He never had the desire or it was like terminal cancer with him and there was no cure.
If you can't get her to help herself, you need to get you and your children out of there. Al Anon has helped his daughter a lot. It's not for everyone, but I recommend you give it more than one meeting. You could try a professional counselor for both of you if she will go.
If you will need to seek custody of your children, get legal and professional advice for that. Be prepared to do what you need to do before damage is done.
I'm sorry you and your family must go through with this. It's a terrible situation and it's very difficult. If she won't help herself, you should do what you need to do to help your children and yourself. Don't go down with her.
Posted on 7/12/16 at 9:50 am to Jimbeaux
Not even saying this to be a smartass. Watch every Intervention episode. Listen to what the therapist tells the family. It is ALWAYS the same.
Got to give up on the person. Always offer your help to get them help, but that's all. No cash. No place to crash. This person is ruining lives, but has the luxury of getting shitfaced daily. You, OP, do not get that luxury.
Got to give up on the person. Always offer your help to get them help, but that's all. No cash. No place to crash. This person is ruining lives, but has the luxury of getting shitfaced daily. You, OP, do not get that luxury.
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