Ways To Make Mike The Tiger Go To The Game

Here's something that Negatards and PosiTigers can agree upon- Mike the Tiger needs to get in his little travel trailer and go to the game(s).

Our tiger has a $9M luxury crib and is the most loved and adored, pampered tiger on the planet. There are mangy tigers freezing their butts off in Siberia, eating frozen squirrels, that would trade places with him in a heartbeat. All we ask him to do in return for all this opulence and adulation is take a short ride across the street 6 or 7 times a year, for a few hours. I, for one, think this excuse of "if he doesn't feel like getting in his trailer, then he doesn't have to" is unacceptable, and any means short of a cattle prod (because cattle prods are too short!) should be considered and utilized.

We already know that PETA is outraged and doesn't like us, so why not piss them off even more with live Tiger Bait? A lil baby pig for Arkansas games, live chickens for SoCar, bulldog puppies, etc.? ( When I bring this up in conversations and suggest a fluffy white poodle, everyone thinks it's funny, but change it to a fat little Labrador puppy and people are mortified and tell me what a sick bastard I am!?!)

OK, so if that idea won't float, what else can we do? Jiggle a rubber snake on a string? Some kind of wind-up toy to pique his curiosity? How about get a clown that makes balloon animals to make a weiner dog out of boudin sausage, and pull that on a string to entice him in?

Take a break from helping the coaches prepare for the game, and use some of that Sportsman's Paradise hunting lore and become an animal behavior scientist for a few moments. Let's hear some ideas- funny ones, thoughtful ones, vengeful ones- throw them all out there.

Pre-emptively, let me spare many of you the trouble and say "TL DR' and (assortment of emoticons here). Also, for those of you nominating ME for Tiger Bait, if we put a small door in the back of the trailer big enough to stick my head through and say "Here, kitty kitty", I will volunteer.