Seventh Annual Treatise On Why Ole Miss Sucks

SEVENTH ANNUAL TREATISE ON WHY OLE MISS SUCKS


1) They're a bunch of pretentious redneck retards with a grossly inflated opinion of themselves. Contrary to the popular belief in Oxford, you don't get class from tying a blue sweater around a red neck. Even more ridiculous is their belief that they have the best tailgating. Please! They hang around in the Groove and eat cold fried chicken off fine china. The clue train must not stop in Oxford, so I'll have to break the news to them: Hanging a chandelier from a tree and finding a fantabulous centerpiece for your table is not tailgating. Tailgating is about great food. That's why LSU is better than Ole Miss at tailgating (and everything else). Maybe you should save your interior decorating skills for something that needs it, like Vaught-Hemingway.

2) What is Ole Miss best known for? A race riot. Why? Because that's the only time they showed any fight in the last 45 years.

3) They still honestly think they set the standard for class. So how do they explain their treatment of David Cutcliffe? Ten years ago, Tommy Tuberville skedaddled out of town to coach a division rival. Tubby had been their only coach "SINCE INTEGRATION" to field a respectable team without cheating. The weebles replaced Ears with Cutcliffe, the Manning family's favorite offensive guru, which had nothing to do with the fact that Eli was trying to decide where to play his college ball. They probably would have fired Cut as soon as Eli graduated, but Eli's final season was too good. So they fired him after the rebuilding year. Nice people, huh?

4) Much to their surprise, nobody wanted to coach a perennial loser who shafted their previous coach. So they settled on a missing link named Ed Orgeron, the defensive line coach at Southern Cal. But the SEC is a little harder than the Pac-1. O will be remembered for two things. One was ripping off his shirt at his first meeting with the team. The other is the song "Colonel Reb Is Crying", with the "Yawyawyawyawyawyaw" chorus. Orgeron never produced a winning season. Of course, how's that different from any other hOMo coach?

5) A few weeks after Katrina, Bay Bay had one of his assistants call a Tulane assistant and ask how he and his family were doing. Then O took the phone and said "The real reason I'm calling is I heard you might be dropping football and I wanted to get a head start on some of your players." I don't know which is worse--being a sleazy vulture or being desperate enough to poach players from a program that hasn't had a winning Conference USA record since 1998. Ole Priss should never be allowed to live that down.

6) Ole Wuss thinks LSU is one of its biggest rivals. But a rival is defined in the dictionary as "(t)he act of competing or emulating; (t)he state or condition of being a rival." Sorry Rebs, but a bug and a windshield are not rivals. There's only one time in the history of the series when you were even close: 1987-99. Very dark days for LSU. But during that period, the Weebles still won only 6 of the 13 games. Put another way, they had a sub-.500 record against the Archmannardo brain trust. Speaking of Archmannardo, Vandy had a 2-2 record against the Rebels when Dumbardo was coaching in Nashville. Vandy--now that would be a rival. So would State, Wyoming, and Memphis.

7) 5 of the 6 West teams have appeared in the SEC Championship game. Guess which one hasn't made the trip? Nope, not Mississippi State--even Jackie the Clown went to Atlanta. That's right, the weebles. This in spite of having Vanderbilt as a permanent East opponent. The only time they came close was 2003, when Eli fell on his arse and their hopes died. They settled for their first division co-championship and hung a banner for it. They HUNG A BANNER for something Gerry Dinardo accomplished twice.

8) Their most famous alum is Trent Lott, former Rebel cheerleader and Senate Majority Leader. That dude was so dumb he got rolled by Tom Daschle, the biggest moron ever to lead the Senate Democrats. Lott also quit on his constituents less than a year into his new term so he could cash in as a lobbyist. Hotty Toddy!

9) Speaking of the Hotty Toddy cheer, who the hell thinks this "Toddy" guy's a "hotty"? Does that have something to do with Ole Piss fraternity hazing?? And the "gosh amighty" and "who the hell are we" parts sound like an 8-year-old trying out his first cuss words.

10) Ole Wish fans think it's the 1850s. While the administration has disavowed Dixie, the rebel flag, and Colonel Reb, the fans are still pitching a hissy fit over the loss of their Old South "traditions". I'm not saying there's anything wrong with Southerners taking pride in their heritage, but there are literally hundreds of Southern schools that don't feel the need to base their entire identity on the antebellum period. But I guess you can't blame them. If I lived in an armpit of a town like Oxford, and I went to a school whose athletic legacy was a century of futility, I'd pretend it was the ancient past too. The rest of us--who actually did something worth noting since the War Between the States--have moved on.

11) Hypersensitive fans. Before an LSU-Ole Miss game a few years ago, a bunch of Ole Miss fans started their inane chant, and I did my parody (Hotty Toddy Gosh Amighty, where did Ole Miss play? Flim flam bim bam BLUE GRAY by damn!) The Weeble fan sitting next to me immediately gave me a ticket for a seat five sections away, which I accepted since it was a better seat. Then, in the fourth quarter, I yelled "Eli Sucks" instead of "Kick their @$$" after a Tiger first down, and the Reb behind me kicked me in the back. Seriously, you go to the other team's stadium and you're shocked that the home crowd is heckling your team? Especially when you threw shoes at your own team after a loss? Wait, I guess Ole Wish fans don't know any other use for shoes.

12) Complete lack of imagination. "Go to Hell State"? "Go to Hell LSU"? How original. I guess they're rubber and we're glue.

13) Ole Mrs. suckdom isn't limited to football. The last time their baseball team won a game in Omaha, their star player was a third baseman named Archie Manning. Their men's basketball team has never won the conference. Not once in over 70 years. The funniest is women's basketball. Back when WBB was Tennessee and Latech and nothing else, they managed the most success in any sport since James Meredith by making the Elite Eight. Who led Ole Myth to this promised land? Van Chancellor, he of the four WNBA titles and two gold medals. He also managed to make a Final Four--in his first season as LSU's coach. But even he couldn't overcome the epic suck that is Oxfart.

14) As bad as they are in sports, they're even worse in the classroom. A 16 on the ACT gets you into Ole Miss. That's not a typo. SIXTEEN!! You need a 17 for NCAA eligibility. OK, you need a little more than a 16 to get into Ole Priss. You also need a 2.5 GPA.

15) The Walk of Champions? Must go to the visitors' locker room. Which of these does not belong: Alaska-Fairbanks, Baylor, Boise State, Bowling Green, CCNY, Eastern Kentucky, Furman, Holy Cross, James Madison, Michigan Tech, Minnesota-Duluth, Montana State, Northern Iowa, Ole Miss, Rice, Southern Illinois-Edwardsville, Temple, Tulane, Wayne State, or William & Mary? The answer: Ole Miss, because this is a list of teams that have won a Division I national championship in something.