I am excited to announce the recent opening of a serious bodybuilding gym- one that screens applicants as to their pursuit of a professional or amateur title. If they have no such aspirations, they are rejected! Indeed, I have invited numerous pro bodybuilders to join, and anticipate being the subject of an upcoming feature in 'Muscular Development', 'MuscleMag', or 'Flex'!!.

It all began a month ago as I was reviewing real estate investment opportunities in the Toronto area. Canadian real estate is where to put your investment dollars, brothers. I noticed a gym up for sale- and, at that very moment, a strange beam of light shined on my precise spot- a message from the gods! "THAT IS IT!!" I thundered, and storming out the study, proceeded directly to my lawyer's office to execute the purchase.

Two weeks later I stood, arms folded, observing the opening day of PROS ONLY GYM. I had, of course, flown to Canada with a small entourage, including the family chauffeur, Nobby, and a mentally challenged lad named Marvin. Marvin has, over the years, transformed from a stumpy, troll like youth into a massive, GH mutated, 10-anadrol-popping-daily cave-troll! Nobby's powerlifting and neck-snapping feats whilst an inmate in Britain's worst prisons have never been matched.

The walls are simple white, and on each is painted, in letters 2 feet high, 'LIFT HEAVY OR GO HOME', a motto I learned from 'bro1058' over at anabolex some years ago. No red balls. No aerobics area. No bikes. A few running machines. Lots of free weights. Buckets of chalk next to most racks. Free needles- 10cc 23 gauge 1.5 inch, for hardcore, massive injections of test.

A hardcore lifter's paradise!!

Prospective clients came in slowly. I wouldn't admit just anyone. The first to enter was a young woman of about 25. "High- cool- I wanna join!" she squeaked. "Listen, WENCH, we don't need some bikini-wearing poseur-I-want-to-look-tough little damsel in here- NOW GET THE FOOK OUT!!" I screamed in her face, showering her in spittle. She staggered back in shock, and was collared by Nobby, who helped her out the door. "FOOK OOF, SLAG!!" he snarled, and, as Marvin dutifully held the door open, he tossed her bodily out, 15 feet into the parking lot. Her body hit the pavement with a dull, sick, wet thud, and she lay motionless. Phonies, and anyone whom I, Nobby, or Marvin deemed unworthy was tossed out the door. After a week, membership stood at 7. A few local amateur bodybuilders, a deaf mute monster of a man, and Greg Kovacs constituted the total enrollment. Why such little interest? Corporate-fitness club entities that I loath had conspired against me.

Across the parking lot from PROS ONLY stood a GoodLife fitness club. One afternoon, while outside taking a cigarette break between 900 pound sets of squats, I couldn't help but express my anger openly. As Marvin and Nobby listened, I ranted -"Corporate fiends. No interest in serious lifting or getting huge. Thanks to places like THAT!", I screamed, pointing at GoodLife, "honest gyms like mine can't survive! They probably wouldn't even ADMIT you, Marvin!" I cried. Marvin looked stunned. "Wuh- why dat isth?" he inquired. "Well, Marvin, they just wouldn't want a poor handicapped fellow like you tarnishing their BLOODY IMAGE!!" I screamed. "INFIDEL FOOKING DEFILERS!!!" I roared, so loud that it was heard across the city of Toronto! In a thick Cockney accent Nobby echoed my sentiments- "Oi- MAHVIN- URT THE BAHSTADS! TEACH EM A FOOKIN LESSUN!" he snarled in Marvin's face. As a sign of how serious that hurt was to be, Nobby lent Marvin his handy motorbike chain. Marvin began shaking in rage, then started screaming, and, roaring the battle-cry of the retarded, a thunderous "AAAAAAAARRRRRRGGGGHHH UUUUUNNNNGGHHH!!!", he began one of his crazed, raging, banzai charges across the parking lot, heading like a screaming, suicidal Japanese Samurai, towards the front doors of GoodLife!

He charged right through the front glass doors, and bulldozed the front desk into smithereens! Screaming, he began beating anyone he saw with Nobby's bike chain. Soon, bodies began flying out the front windows of Goodlife, followed by pieces of gym equipment! Marvin's Quasimodo, Incredible Hulk strength was capable of terrifying feats of power- believe it or not, brothers, he even threw a Pepsi vending machine out the window! It landed with a crash on the front hood of the manager's car, utterly destroying it! People ran screaming in terror as the mongoloid monstrosity wrought Godzilla-like destruction upon the sinners of Goodlife!! Nobby and I watched, cheering him on, until 30 police cars and a SWAT team arrived. Marvin charged into the parking lot and met them head on, flipping squad cars and sustained being 'tasered' no less than 34 times before he finally collapsed, beneath a shower of truncheon blows!

Since then, brothers, a few members have joined as Goodlife has shutdown for repairs. Sure, our membership is exclusive- a few stutterers, a mute, all sociopaths, but all dedicated lifters. I recently got wind that Craig Titus is interested in joining- as soon as he gets out of jail.

Any pro reading this is welcome to drop by- corner of Jane and Steeles Avenue West. Just ask the taxi driver to take you to an area where crack is readily available. You'll see the sign. Hope to see some famous faces!