I was sure I was flirt-texting with The One. Until he saw me on Instagram

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Me: "32. Single. White. Female. Accomplished."

Him: "30. Single. White. Male. I'd like to think I'm accomplished. And I can cook."

I was mentally picking out my wedding dress. Maybe a barn wedding with Mason jars instead of wine glasses. And tea lights strung up in the beams.

And then it happens. He asks for my Instagram name. I barely hesitate, because at this point all demographics match up, we obviously share a sense of humor and a sense of humility, so even if he doesn't look like Ryan Gosling I'm fairly certain I'm at least getting a date out of this.

We exchange Instagram info and promptly stalk each other. He's cute, built, on the tall side, sails, has fun-looking friends. I'm beside myself.

"You're cute!!!" I text.

Nothing.

Ten minutes later. Nothing.

I'm beside myself. But the other side this time.

"Omigod," I text, "you don't think I'm cute."

"That's quite an assumption," he says a few minutes later.

"You didn't text anything back. What else am I to assume?"

"Don't be such a diva."

Then he tells me he's heading to bed.

There goes my elopement to Thailand.

I made an attempt to reach out to him the next day. Nothing.

I feel it's important to note at this point that I'm attractive. I'm no Eva Mendes, but I'm above-average decent-looking, if that's OK to say about oneself. I showed his picture to a few friends to make sure I was in his league and he was in mine — we were, they assured me.

So I couldn't understand why he'd stop our banter, why he didn't want to meet.

Maybe he died. This is generally what I think happens to guys that stop talking to me.

But my best theory — since I live in Los Angeles and have been dating here for seven years now with no luck at all — is that I wasn't hot enough. I wasn't a 10. I wasn't a model or an actress with perfect hair and size 0 jeans; that a common sense of humor and humility and matching demographics just weren't enough and he figured his model would be waiting for him at his next Tinder swipe.

Or maybe I'm wrong. Maybe he did die.

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