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re: How did you grieve when you lost your parent(s)?
Posted on 3/25/15 at 1:21 pm to mizzoukills
Posted on 3/25/15 at 1:21 pm to mizzoukills
I drove around naked 
1
Posted on 3/25/15 at 1:22 pm to 20MuleTeam
quote:
20MuleTeam
interesting handle
Posted on 3/25/15 at 1:23 pm to PoppaD
quote:
I would suggest changing the verbiage from "moving on" to "moving forward" moving on suggest you are leaving something behind and are over it. Moving forward suggest that you are not forgetting the person and simply putting one foot in front of the other to get thru the pain. Never tell someone who is in grief that it's time to move on. Grief is different for everyone and last years. You may have processed it in your method but everyone's methofs are different in dealing with grief.
My call came this past August when my world was turned upside down with a 3 am call that my 20 year old son died.
The first few months were just numbness and then the pain really set in. It's a constant pain that there is no relief from. I can be happy one minute and then something triggers him in my mind and I feel the full force of losing him all over again.
One thing you will find out quickly is the world moves on, people move on and it makes them uncomfortable to talk about death. Most of your family and friends will just simply ignore your grief or loss and never talk about it. It's even worse when your a guy because your expected to just be able to deal with it.
I would love for a family member, coworker, or friend to call and ask me how I'm doing and not just ignore the topic. But everybody is in the lets just ignore The loss stage. My wife gets plenty of calls like this but I guess because I'm a guy it's makes them uncomfortable to ask me how I am.
Honestly, the only thing that has helped me at all is going to a grief share group. It's one day a week where I get to spend time with others that are dealing with the same stuff. I recommend a group like that to anyone that has lost someone.
Its hard to talk about tough shite or at least for me. I do not know what to say to someone who just lost a child or is battling cancer and dying. You say it hits you hard when you think about it, people try to not bring it to the forefront even though its being thought about.
Posted on 3/25/15 at 1:28 pm to mizzoukills
I believed that I had "moved forward" (nice suggestion btw) and then came the day of the funeral. I was at my grandfather's house (my dad's father) and I was organizing a photo memorial to be displayed at the funeral home.
My father's wife (mom and dad divorced in high school and dad remarried years later) walked into my grandfather's house. After talking to several family members she made her way to me.
I stood up and gave her a hug...and then suddenly she did the most inappropriate and untimely thing imaginable (other than his death of course): She began to describe in detail my father's death experience.
She told me that he wasn't feeling well the night before so he went to bed earlier than normal. She thought he was experiencing bad acid reflux. She followed him to bed and they cuddled. My father fell asleep in her arms.
Then, at some point later in the evening she woke up. She wasn't sure why. She looked over at my father and his eyes had rolled back and he was foaming at the mouth. She screamed and tried to wake him up, but he didn't respond and he felt cold. She called 9-11 and held him in her arms as she cried and caressed his hair until the paramedics arrived.
He had been stricken with a pulmonary embolism. Died instantly in his sleep.
----------------------------------
Her story and the sad details made me break down again. I couldn't look her in the eyes because at that moment I hated her and instead I tried to focus on the photo memorial that was laid out on the floor. I hate to admit this but the entire time she was telling me this story I was wishing to God that she would shut the frick up. I didn't want to hear the grisly details. Every word she uttered burned a terrible and sad image into my mind. I prayed to God that someone would interrupt her and pull her away but that never happened.
And oddly she told me this story without a hint of emotion. No soggy eyes.
It was extremely strange and I was furious, but I never stopped her because I thought this was her way of grieving and I acted as normal as possible besides for tears rolling down my face. To this day I wish she wouldn't have told me that story. That is without the worst thing that anyone could've told me.
My father's wife (mom and dad divorced in high school and dad remarried years later) walked into my grandfather's house. After talking to several family members she made her way to me.
I stood up and gave her a hug...and then suddenly she did the most inappropriate and untimely thing imaginable (other than his death of course): She began to describe in detail my father's death experience.
She told me that he wasn't feeling well the night before so he went to bed earlier than normal. She thought he was experiencing bad acid reflux. She followed him to bed and they cuddled. My father fell asleep in her arms.
Then, at some point later in the evening she woke up. She wasn't sure why. She looked over at my father and his eyes had rolled back and he was foaming at the mouth. She screamed and tried to wake him up, but he didn't respond and he felt cold. She called 9-11 and held him in her arms as she cried and caressed his hair until the paramedics arrived.
He had been stricken with a pulmonary embolism. Died instantly in his sleep.
----------------------------------
Her story and the sad details made me break down again. I couldn't look her in the eyes because at that moment I hated her and instead I tried to focus on the photo memorial that was laid out on the floor. I hate to admit this but the entire time she was telling me this story I was wishing to God that she would shut the frick up. I didn't want to hear the grisly details. Every word she uttered burned a terrible and sad image into my mind. I prayed to God that someone would interrupt her and pull her away but that never happened.
And oddly she told me this story without a hint of emotion. No soggy eyes.
It was extremely strange and I was furious, but I never stopped her because I thought this was her way of grieving and I acted as normal as possible besides for tears rolling down my face. To this day I wish she wouldn't have told me that story. That is without the worst thing that anyone could've told me.
This post was edited on 3/25/15 at 1:35 pm
Posted on 3/25/15 at 1:31 pm to tidalmouse
quote:
My Dad will be in my mind and sometimes in my dreams,forever.
My father has visited me a few times in my dreams. Whether or not it was a true supernatural visitation is debatable.
However, the next morning I truly feel like I shared an incredible and real experience with my father. I choose to believe that those dream experiences were in fact real. They're incredibly comforting.
Posted on 3/25/15 at 1:34 pm to mizzoukills
quote:
I chose to immediately move on and leave my father in the past, which at this point enables me to freely discuss his death without emotional distres
My brother and I just went through the death of our father in November. He died unexpectedly at his desk during work with both of us there. You have to keep on doing your daily routine no matter how hard it is for you. If you sit and dwell on it you will be consumed with grief. We killed a bottle of scotch between the two of us that night but having to keep things going at work definitely helps keep your mind off of what you have just experienced. I still have moments where i could get choked up thinking about it.
Posted on 3/25/15 at 1:34 pm to mizzoukills
quote:
Her story and the sad details made me break down again. I couldn't look her in the eyes because at that moment I hated her and instead I tried to focus on the photo memorial that I had laid out on the floor. I hate to admit this but the entire time she was telling me this story I was wishing to God that she would shut the frick up. I didn't want to hear the grisly details. Every word she uttered burned a terrible and sad image into my mind. I prayed to God that someone would interrupt her and pull her away but that never happened.
Sounds like he died in the arms of the love of his life. I would be happy to hear that, but I'm not in your shoes.
Posted on 3/25/15 at 1:36 pm to mizzoukills
Lost my mother and grandmother in the same year when I was 20 years old. That was the start of a 7 year downward spiral.
Posted on 3/25/15 at 1:37 pm to bayoudude
quote:
I still have moments where i could get choked up thinking about it.
for me this thread is one of those moments
Posted on 3/25/15 at 1:37 pm to mizzoukills
quote:
I didn't want to hear the grisly details. Every word she uttered burned a terrible and sad image into my mind. I prayed to God that someone would interrupt her and pull her away but that never happened.
I can relate - I had to hear about how she asphyxiated and choked on her own vomit because nobody was around to help her up. Still makes tear up when I think about her being all alone in a hospital room - she hated being alone
Posted on 3/25/15 at 1:37 pm to whit
quote:
Lost my mother and grandmother in the same year when I was 20 years old. That was the start of a 7 year downward spiral.
I hope you've rebounded and are doing well
Posted on 3/25/15 at 1:41 pm to mizzoukills
quote:Been clean since '07
I hope you've rebounded and are doing well
Posted on 3/25/15 at 1:41 pm to mizzoukills
My dad died in December while on vacation with me and my family at Disney World. He went into the hospital the day we were to leave and never came out. Died of complications caused by a number of things he had going on.
I flew back home the day he went in b/c we all thought it was just dehydration and fatigue. My mom insisted. Got a call a day and a half later saying i had to get back to Florida b/c they didn't know if he'd make it through the night. Always regretted leaving, but there wasn't going to be anything i could do anyway.
Flew back, he was still conscious when i got there. He told me he loved me and was proud of me. Along with a few other things. It was good knowing that.
A few days before we took him off the vent, when it was obvious he wasn't going to pull through, i went down to the chapel and just lost it. No one was in there thankfully.
After he passed, i returned to work b/c he was being cremated in Florida and there would be no services to plan right away. Like you, i'm glad i did. My mind was so busy that i didn't have time to think about it. Only random thoughts popped in during the day. I still lose it from time to time when i'm alone...whether on the drive home hearing a song or at the house sitting outside.
I flew back home the day he went in b/c we all thought it was just dehydration and fatigue. My mom insisted. Got a call a day and a half later saying i had to get back to Florida b/c they didn't know if he'd make it through the night. Always regretted leaving, but there wasn't going to be anything i could do anyway.
Flew back, he was still conscious when i got there. He told me he loved me and was proud of me. Along with a few other things. It was good knowing that.
A few days before we took him off the vent, when it was obvious he wasn't going to pull through, i went down to the chapel and just lost it. No one was in there thankfully.
After he passed, i returned to work b/c he was being cremated in Florida and there would be no services to plan right away. Like you, i'm glad i did. My mind was so busy that i didn't have time to think about it. Only random thoughts popped in during the day. I still lose it from time to time when i'm alone...whether on the drive home hearing a song or at the house sitting outside.
Posted on 3/25/15 at 1:41 pm to Sparkplug#1
quote:
Sounds like he died in the arms of the love of his life. I would be happy to hear that, but I'm not in your shoes.
Sure. But she could've left out the eyes rolled back, foaming at the mouth, cold skin details.
I didn't need to hear that much detail.
Posted on 3/25/15 at 1:45 pm to Chad504boy
quote:
Its hard to talk about tough shite or at least for me. I do not know what to say to someone who just lost a child or is battling cancer and dying. You say it hits you hard when you think about it, people try to not bring it to the forefront even though its being thought about.
That's fair, and I know it's a tough subject. It's tough to work through also. One of the things I am learning is that talking about the person actually helps while ignoring they are gone does not.
I have my memories and pictures of my son, but hearing someone tell a story about the him that maybe I didn't know or someone sharing a picture I have not seen all help to push the bad memory of losing him to the back of mind for a little bit. I love hearing how he impacted people that I didn't know about. I love when people share stories about him.
I'm sure loosing a parent is the same, in that friends or family don't want to talk about it, but there does come a time a few months down the road where calling someone in grief and just asking how they are can be a light in a dark tunnel.
Posted on 3/25/15 at 1:51 pm to SEClint
quote:
Them dying is bad enough, but also being the one to have to find them dead. I'll never be able to get some images out of my head.
Man I'm really sorry this happened to you. I experienced loss but I couldn't imagine how more difficult it might be to throw finding the loved on top of everything else. I hope you have found some way to find some comfort.
One of the guys in my grief group found his girl friend after suicide and he is really messed up over it.
Posted on 3/25/15 at 1:53 pm to SEClint
quote:
but also being the one to have to find them dead. I'll never be able to get some images out of my head
i didn't find my dad, but i watched as he gasped for his final breaths....i knew i had to be there, but you're right, i'll always see that image
This post was edited on 3/25/15 at 1:55 pm
Posted on 3/25/15 at 2:02 pm to bayoudude
quote:
He died unexpectedly at his desk during work with both of us there.
So did mine. He would kick himself too if he knew he died at work. Would have preferred his favorite bar stool or his recliner at home.
Posted on 3/25/15 at 2:03 pm to JonaYolles
quote:
I can relate - I had to hear about how she asphyxiated and choked on her own vomit because nobody was around to help her up. Still makes tear up when I think about her being all alone in a hospital room - she hated being alone
I'm not sure why people assume you want to hear the details. I don't get it.
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