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re: Are you closer with your family than your SO?
Posted on 4/13/17 at 3:02 pm to SaintBrees
Posted on 4/13/17 at 3:02 pm to SaintBrees
100% agree
Nailed it .
Nailed it .
0
Posted on 4/13/17 at 3:36 pm to prplngldtigr
quote:Welp, that's a pretty good reason not to follow it for my beliefs.
Kids should not come before your spouse. Now I realize the opposite has taken hold of society for many decades now , but IF you take your vows seriously and follow the Catholic Church doctrine then wife before kids.
Kids first, over everything.
Posted on 4/13/17 at 3:39 pm to SaintBrees
quote:Eh, you're doing the same thing you accused him of doing, leaving out too much information to make that determination.
Are you saying you cancel plans with your girlfriend for a last minute request from your dad? If so, you're a shite boyfriend.
Posted on 4/13/17 at 3:40 pm to CoachChappy
quote:
Once you are married, your spouse is your family dip shite. And yes, I would choose my wife over my parents if it came down to it. Also, I would choose my kid over my wife, and she would do the same to me. (In a life or death situation)
This is the correct answer.
Posted on 4/13/17 at 3:44 pm to shel311
I think the problem with this argument is that everyone always has different definitions of what coming first means.
Yes, your kids should come before your spouse when it comes to a life or death situation or who to nurture/feed/take care of. That is your legal responsibility as their parent, and your spouse is an adult who presumably can fend for themselves in those situations.
However, your kids do not come before your marriage. Refusing to take a vacation with your spouse "because the kids" or have a healthy sex life with your spouse "because the kids" is unhealthy. You can follow numerous paths with your kids and still end up with relatively productive little people who love and respect you. But ignoring your relationship with your spouse will certainly destroy your marriage. You didn't marry "mommy". You married a person who presumably has qualities outside of being a mother that you were attracted to.
It seems like it is normally the woman who puts the kids over their spouse.
Yes, your kids should come before your spouse when it comes to a life or death situation or who to nurture/feed/take care of. That is your legal responsibility as their parent, and your spouse is an adult who presumably can fend for themselves in those situations.
However, your kids do not come before your marriage. Refusing to take a vacation with your spouse "because the kids" or have a healthy sex life with your spouse "because the kids" is unhealthy. You can follow numerous paths with your kids and still end up with relatively productive little people who love and respect you. But ignoring your relationship with your spouse will certainly destroy your marriage. You didn't marry "mommy". You married a person who presumably has qualities outside of being a mother that you were attracted to.
It seems like it is normally the woman who puts the kids over their spouse.
Posted on 4/13/17 at 3:44 pm to shel311
quote:
Eh, you're doing the same thing you accused him of doing, leaving out too much information to make that determination.
Well no, if it was an emergency or something crucial, I'd have said so. I deliberately left it to mean mowing the lawn or something that isn't dire and isn't worthy of canceling established plans with another person.
This post was edited on 4/13/17 at 3:46 pm
Posted on 4/13/17 at 3:55 pm to shel311
quote:
Kids
Wife
Parents
In that order...but in the sense that you're asking, I'd tell them to figure it out and leave me out of it. And if they're both giving an ultimatum, I 100% honestly would either tell them no you choose, or I choose neither of you, if again, the reasons were truly neutral as you stated.
One of the best ways to take care of your kids is show them a great marriage and that means your SO comes first. Your children will leave you and start their own family unit. Your wife is the one who you stay with the rest of your life. She is the #1. Putting children before spouse is the main reason why so many marriages "lose the fire".
Posted on 4/13/17 at 3:55 pm to SaintBrees
quote:True. I reread it, and he did say help around the house that you quoted, so I should have assumed that is what your post meant as well.
Well no, if it was an emergency or something crucial, I'd have said so. I deliberately left it to mean mowing the lawn or something that isn't dire and isn't worthy of canceling established plans with another person.
Posted on 4/13/17 at 3:58 pm to SouthOfSouth
quote:I disagree, that's just generalizing.
Putting children before spouse is the main reason why so many marriages "lose the fire".
I could say those put put their wife first is the reason why we have so many bad kids, but that's not true either.
It's really an argument in semantics because the only time you would ever have to make that choice...to actually choose 1 over the other is in the completely hypothetical situation that is likely never going to happen, the life/death scenario.
Posted on 4/13/17 at 4:00 pm to Hawgnsincebirth55
Family. They stood by me after my stroke whereas my wife cut and ran.
Posted on 4/13/17 at 4:03 pm to HeadSlash
quote:Welp, I'm guessing that's ex-wife.
Family. They stood by me after my stroke whereas my wife cut and ran.
Posted on 4/13/17 at 4:04 pm to Hawgnsincebirth55
Anyone who is not willing to commit to their spouse over their family is not a fit spouse. By the same token, anyone who expects their spouse to abandon their family for them is not a fit spouse either.
Posted on 4/13/17 at 4:07 pm to shel311
quote:
It's really an argument in semantics because the only time you would ever have to make that choice...to actually choose 1 over the other is in the completely hypothetical situation that is likely never going to happen, the life/death scenario.
But that's just it. When people say that your spouse comes before your kids, they mean in a realistic way. They don't mean in a hypothetically "who will you save from the fire?!" way. Your marriage should be #1. If you have a healthy marriage, you will be a better parent. If you have a shite marriage because you have enslaved yourself to the mommy/daddy role and lost your entire identity, you will find yourself quite sad within a few years.
The entire goal of successful parents is to raise productive human beings that leave you behind. If your child is not growing up and leaving you for adulthood/marriage/children/etc. (not necessarily all three), you have failed as a parent. So assuming you want your children to grow and leave you, you need to focus on having something left in your marriage when they're gone.
This post was edited on 4/13/17 at 4:08 pm
Posted on 4/13/17 at 4:22 pm to SaintBrees
quote:That's just generalizing again. You can put kids first and have a healthy marriage. You can put your marriage first and be a shitty parent.
Your marriage should be #1. If you have a healthy marriage, you will be a better parent. If you have a shite marriage because you have enslaved yourself to the mommy/daddy role and lost your entire identity, you will find yourself quite sad within a few years.
quote:Putting your kids first doesn't mean this will happen.
f your child is not growing up and leaving you for adulthood/marriage/children/etc. (not necessarily all three), you have failed as a parent.
quote:You're assuming that putting your kids first means you have nothing left in your marriage, not sure why.
So assuming you want your children to grow and leave you, you need to focus on having something left in your marriage when they're gone.
You can do it either way and still be balanced and have a happy marriage and raise great kids.
Hell, I say I put my kids first, but the reality is we're 4 equal parts in my family, me/wife/2 kids.
This post was edited on 4/13/17 at 4:23 pm
Posted on 4/13/17 at 4:43 pm to Hawgnsincebirth55
I grew up extremely close to my folks. Still am. Had a terrific upbringing.
Still choose my wife over them. That's the way it's supposed to work.
Still choose my wife over them. That's the way it's supposed to work.
Posted on 4/13/17 at 4:52 pm to SouthOfSouth
quote:
You are 100% supposed to sever your ties with your parents and cleave to your wife.
Well, you leave the family or family home and create your own family, but you don't just sever ties with the people who created and raised you either.
Every family dynamic is different and some parents are not very good (and some families are not very close). But for those with parents they are close to, you still remain close to them and they remain a huge part of your life because they've played an irreplaceable role in your life. However, your spouse (and kids if you have them) become the basic priority in your life.
If people severed ties with their families, the 50% that are getting divorced would be pretty S.O.L. Anyone who is good for you will recognize your need for more than just themselves in your life.
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