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Posted on 3/27/17 at 7:49 pm to foshizzle
A teacher was doing an experiment for class and she was going to have the kids raise their hands and tell a story from their own life and at the end of the story they will tell the moral to the story....well Susan raises her hand and says "my dad works at the hatchery. And at the hatchery he deals with the eggs. And one day after work he took 11 eggs and put them into one basket. He took all those eggs and put them into one basket to sell them across town. So he took the basket and put it on a horse and buggy to go into town, but the ground was uneven, and the buggy shook, and the basket fell and the eggs broke."
The teacher said "well Susan, that was good and all but I just, I don't see what the moral to that story is.." Susan said, "the moral to the story, is you don't put all of your eggs into one basket."
Teacher finally gets it then Margerie raises her hand. She calls on Margerie.
Margerie says, "my dad also works at the hatchery, but he deals with the chickens. Thank God for the hatchery by the way, of else where would we be? But, he knew that one day an egg will hatch and become a chicken. So one day after work he took 6 eggs and 5 chickens and put them all into a basket, and he said that he had 11 chickens. Well he took these 6 eggs and 5 chickens in one basket and put them on a horse and buggy to go into town, but the ground was uneven, and the buggy shook, and the basket fell, and the eggs broke." Teacher says, "well I guess that was good and all but I just don't understand what the moral to that story is." Margerie said, "the moral to the story is that you don't count your eggs as chickens until they hatch."
Teacher says, "well it coulda been shorter, but this going very well, and this is exactly what I was hoping for from this experiment." Just as she says this she sees out of the corner of her eye, the outstretched hand of Dirty Johnny. She says to herself "nooooh not dirty johnny, this was going so good, but I suppose I made an oath to the class and I gotta call on him...OKAY DIRTY JOHNNY WHAT'S YOUR STORY?"
Dirty Johnny stands up, "this story is about my uncle Terry. Uncle Terry didn't work at the hatchery. He was in Vietnam. Now he gets disability. He don't even like people who work at the hatchery. Uncle Terry wasn't a very well liked man. & I'd bet you'd heard of a man, abandoning his battalion...but I'd bet you'd never heard of a battalion abandoning a man...well, that's what they did to uncle Terry.
Happened in a little town called Denang. Uncle Terry woke up one day and and all they left him with was 3 bottles of Jack Daniel's, and some weaponry. Uncle Terry stood up, downed a bottle right there, one swig, threw it into the jungle, his fate. Grabbed a kalachnikoff, some hand grenades, a couple glocs and away he went. He came across a village. And out of that village came people. Now he didn't know if this was Charley or the ones sent to protect Charley, but he knew he had hate in his gut, and he knew he had to do something, so he started firing away. He fired that kalachnikoff in an arcing motion. Like a farmer would do a scythe. And just like hay would fall in front of a farmer. So the bodies fell before uncle Terry. First the men, then the women, & it shames me to say this but, by God even the children. When the smoke had cleared it was just uncle Terry standing there in the mud, the blood, the glory. He felt on his pants and he felt a wetness. He felt shame because he realized that amongst the chaos he had pissed himself out of fear. But, upon closer inspection he realized that in fact it wasn't urine, it was ejaculate. And he felt pride where shame once was."
Teacher was like "FRICK DIRTY JOHNNY WHAT'S IN THE...YOU TELL ME WHAT CAN POSSIBLY BE THE MORAL TO THAT STORY" Dirty Johnny thought about it for a couple minutes and he says "well I guess, the moral to the story is you don't Frick with Uncle Terry when he's had a little drink in him!"
The teacher said "well Susan, that was good and all but I just, I don't see what the moral to that story is.." Susan said, "the moral to the story, is you don't put all of your eggs into one basket."
Teacher finally gets it then Margerie raises her hand. She calls on Margerie.
Margerie says, "my dad also works at the hatchery, but he deals with the chickens. Thank God for the hatchery by the way, of else where would we be? But, he knew that one day an egg will hatch and become a chicken. So one day after work he took 6 eggs and 5 chickens and put them all into a basket, and he said that he had 11 chickens. Well he took these 6 eggs and 5 chickens in one basket and put them on a horse and buggy to go into town, but the ground was uneven, and the buggy shook, and the basket fell, and the eggs broke." Teacher says, "well I guess that was good and all but I just don't understand what the moral to that story is." Margerie said, "the moral to the story is that you don't count your eggs as chickens until they hatch."
Teacher says, "well it coulda been shorter, but this going very well, and this is exactly what I was hoping for from this experiment." Just as she says this she sees out of the corner of her eye, the outstretched hand of Dirty Johnny. She says to herself "nooooh not dirty johnny, this was going so good, but I suppose I made an oath to the class and I gotta call on him...OKAY DIRTY JOHNNY WHAT'S YOUR STORY?"
Dirty Johnny stands up, "this story is about my uncle Terry. Uncle Terry didn't work at the hatchery. He was in Vietnam. Now he gets disability. He don't even like people who work at the hatchery. Uncle Terry wasn't a very well liked man. & I'd bet you'd heard of a man, abandoning his battalion...but I'd bet you'd never heard of a battalion abandoning a man...well, that's what they did to uncle Terry.
Happened in a little town called Denang. Uncle Terry woke up one day and and all they left him with was 3 bottles of Jack Daniel's, and some weaponry. Uncle Terry stood up, downed a bottle right there, one swig, threw it into the jungle, his fate. Grabbed a kalachnikoff, some hand grenades, a couple glocs and away he went. He came across a village. And out of that village came people. Now he didn't know if this was Charley or the ones sent to protect Charley, but he knew he had hate in his gut, and he knew he had to do something, so he started firing away. He fired that kalachnikoff in an arcing motion. Like a farmer would do a scythe. And just like hay would fall in front of a farmer. So the bodies fell before uncle Terry. First the men, then the women, & it shames me to say this but, by God even the children. When the smoke had cleared it was just uncle Terry standing there in the mud, the blood, the glory. He felt on his pants and he felt a wetness. He felt shame because he realized that amongst the chaos he had pissed himself out of fear. But, upon closer inspection he realized that in fact it wasn't urine, it was ejaculate. And he felt pride where shame once was."
Teacher was like "FRICK DIRTY JOHNNY WHAT'S IN THE...YOU TELL ME WHAT CAN POSSIBLY BE THE MORAL TO THAT STORY" Dirty Johnny thought about it for a couple minutes and he says "well I guess, the moral to the story is you don't Frick with Uncle Terry when he's had a little drink in him!"
This post was edited on 3/27/17 at 7:53 pm
Posted on 3/27/17 at 7:59 pm to foshizzle
I'll admit when I whiffed on a joke, but until someone esplain this shite here's a shorter one:
Two Ducks in a bathtub:
Duck one: Pass me the soap
Duck two: What do I look like, a typewriter?
Two Ducks in a bathtub:
Duck one: Pass me the soap
Duck two: What do I look like, a typewriter?
Posted on 3/27/17 at 8:02 pm to Backinthe615
What's the hardest part breaking up with a Japanese girlfriend?
You have to drop the bomb on her twice before she gets it.
You have to drop the bomb on her twice before she gets it.
Posted on 3/27/17 at 8:16 pm to foshizzle
i heard this one from an ole timer on American Pickers today
Yankees are like hemerhoids. If they come down and go back up it's no big deal. If they come down and stay they're a pain in the arse
Yankees are like hemerhoids. If they come down and go back up it's no big deal. If they come down and stay they're a pain in the arse
Posted on 3/27/17 at 8:22 pm to foshizzle
I don't get it.
Posted on 3/27/17 at 8:29 pm to saint tiger225
quote:
Wat
I'm so cool, I don't laugh at jokes that aren't funny.
It's more of a lot of people here aren't picturing as retelling this joke.
Like I said, the delivery is the punchline. Dragging people through the whole joke for such a obvious and simple line. Have them build up the images in their own head.
Posted on 3/27/17 at 8:37 pm to fightin tigers
Not a joke but made me 
Posted on 3/27/17 at 8:38 pm to fightin tigers
So, a dyslexic walks into a bra...
Posted on 3/27/17 at 8:39 pm to foshizzle
Posted on 3/27/17 at 8:48 pm to foshizzle
Exactly my sense of humor
Posted on 3/27/17 at 8:52 pm to foshizzle
The first time I heard a version of this joke was at summer camp when I was 10. The counselor took 3 days to tell it. It was awesome:
A extremely rich man, has a son. On the son's sixteenth birthday the father planned an extravaganza hiring rare and expensive wonders. Thousands of guest where to attend. To make his son's birthday perfect he asked his son what he wanted to make his birthday the best ever willing to buy the anything in the world. The son thought about this for along time and eventually told the father. "I want one Pink Ping Pong ball."
The father was confused but he agreed. The day of the party was a event to remember the Blue Angels painted the sky and Indian mini elephants brought in a gilded chocolate cake. After the concert with too many high profile stars to name it was time to open the presents. Along with the slew of high end clothing and private islands there was a small box for the boys father. Inside was a Pink Ping Pong ball.
The young man was ecstatic thanked his father profusely and scampered up to his room. He was in there about two hours before he came out and the Father never saw the Pink Ping Pong ball again.
A year passed and the Father was ready to throw his son another birthday party. Again he wanted this to be the best party the world and his son had where seen. I mean 17 is an important age. So the father pulled out all the stop. And to make sure the party was perfect the father again asked his son about what he wanted as a present. And the son thought about it for a few minutes and said he wanted a whole crate of Pink Ping Pong balls. Now the father was confused and asked if the son if he was sure. The son thought for a couple more minutes and nodded. The day of the party the father had hired hundred's of A list celebrities to attend the party. He reconstructed the backyard of his mansion estate to accommodate a gilded marble statue of his son. The first truly sentient robot brought a cake made of edable diamonds. And every person in attendance got a gold plated iPhone 9 in their gift bags, complete with hologram features. Now it was time for the presents admist a real alein pet and a autographed copy of every president's portrait. Their was a large box from the boys father he opened it and inside was a large crate full of Pink Ping Pong balls. The son was ecstatic thank his father and rushed to his bedroom. The father never saw the crate or any of the Pink Ping Pong balls again.
Another year passed and the father was trying to plan another party for his beloved son. Again he wanted the son to have everything and was prepared to spend billions to accommodate his sons any wish so he asked what the son wanted. Without even a pause the son said he wanted a whole truck full of Pink Ping Pong balls. The father had put up with a few years of wondering and had to ask what the son did with the Pink Ping Pong balls. The son looked at the father for a few seconds the responded. "Don't worry I will tell you in due time."
Albeit very curious about the Pink Ping Pong balls the father respect his son and stopped asking. The day of the party the they where all transported to the surface of Mars and met the real Martians. The daughters of the king of Mars offered themselves to the son in sexual ways. I mean he is 18 now. After he had his way with them they filleted themselves and presented eachother to be eaten by the son. After the meal which tasted rather like a good smoked venison stake, they returned home it was time to open the presents. the frozen head of Walt Disney and a true recreation of Lola bunny for future sexual release set aside as the father showed the son the semi truck full of Pink Ping Pong balls. The son was ecstatic about this wonderful gift far more then another thing he had received. The boy when into the the back of the truck and closed the door. When he left out from the back of the truck five hours later the truck was completely empty not a Pink Ping Pong ball in site.
Another year passes and the father knew he needed to out do himself. The father again asked the son what he wanted hesitant of the answer. Immediately the son responded with how he wanted a whole warehouse full of Pink Ping Pong balls. The father knew he had to find out what his son did with the Pink Ping Pong balls but still didn't want to invade his son's privacy. So he hatches a plan.
The day of the party they enter a sub and went to the Lost City of the Mirmaids. And met this queen of the city. The queen slept with the son then offered her daughter as food for the feast. The son saw the daughters beauty and rejected her offer to eat her and subsequently had sex with the princess. Still a hunger the son asked the queen if she wouldn't replace her daughter as the main course and the queen reluctantly agreed. A nice white fish mixed with a succulent stake, both the son and the Princess enjoyed the meal. And the son promised to keep in contact.
The father brought them back to the surface. As it was time to open the gifts. After opening his platinum Suit of armor and a working lightsaber. The father led the son to a car that would drive the son to the Son to the warehouse. The driver was instructed by the father to ask about what the son was doing in the warehouse and with the Pink Ping Pong balls.
As they drove the driver asked questions artfully. But alas the son skillfully doged the questions and the driver was left without an answer. They pulled up to the ware house and the son got out. He instructed the driver not to enter the warehouse and to return in the morning. Out from the window the driver saw that the warehouse was in fact full to the brim with Pink Ping Pong balls. In the morning the driver returned to see that the warehouse house was in fact empty. Later the father hired people to scoure the residence. But not a single Pink Ping Pong ball was to be found.
Now the father was so curious that he had to find out be damned his sons privacy so he planed to set up cameras and do whatever it took to find out next year. But about a month before his birthday the son was in a terrible accident and was put on life support. The father stayed by his son every day and eventually the son did indeed wake up. The father distraught over his sons predicament told him that he would get the son anything anything he wanted. The son through his emense pain managed to ask "Father... dear Father can... You please... Get me... One Pink Ping Pong ball."
The father blindsided by his sons request blurts out "damn it what do you do with those damn Pink Ping Pong balls?"
The son repostions himself because of the pain before responding "I will tell you after you bring me the Pink Ping Pong ball"
The father calls up the man that had gotten the other Pink Ping Pong balls and requested one more. If nothing else he would finally know about the Pink Ping Pong balls. The father contact brings the last Pink Ping Pong ball and the father sets it in front of the son. "Now tell me... What... What is it that you do with those Pink Ping Pong balls?"
"Well... I.... Use the.... Pink... Ping... Pong...... Ballls.... For........" and the son dies from his injuries
A extremely rich man, has a son. On the son's sixteenth birthday the father planned an extravaganza hiring rare and expensive wonders. Thousands of guest where to attend. To make his son's birthday perfect he asked his son what he wanted to make his birthday the best ever willing to buy the anything in the world. The son thought about this for along time and eventually told the father. "I want one Pink Ping Pong ball."
The father was confused but he agreed. The day of the party was a event to remember the Blue Angels painted the sky and Indian mini elephants brought in a gilded chocolate cake. After the concert with too many high profile stars to name it was time to open the presents. Along with the slew of high end clothing and private islands there was a small box for the boys father. Inside was a Pink Ping Pong ball.
The young man was ecstatic thanked his father profusely and scampered up to his room. He was in there about two hours before he came out and the Father never saw the Pink Ping Pong ball again.
A year passed and the Father was ready to throw his son another birthday party. Again he wanted this to be the best party the world and his son had where seen. I mean 17 is an important age. So the father pulled out all the stop. And to make sure the party was perfect the father again asked his son about what he wanted as a present. And the son thought about it for a few minutes and said he wanted a whole crate of Pink Ping Pong balls. Now the father was confused and asked if the son if he was sure. The son thought for a couple more minutes and nodded. The day of the party the father had hired hundred's of A list celebrities to attend the party. He reconstructed the backyard of his mansion estate to accommodate a gilded marble statue of his son. The first truly sentient robot brought a cake made of edable diamonds. And every person in attendance got a gold plated iPhone 9 in their gift bags, complete with hologram features. Now it was time for the presents admist a real alein pet and a autographed copy of every president's portrait. Their was a large box from the boys father he opened it and inside was a large crate full of Pink Ping Pong balls. The son was ecstatic thank his father and rushed to his bedroom. The father never saw the crate or any of the Pink Ping Pong balls again.
Another year passed and the father was trying to plan another party for his beloved son. Again he wanted the son to have everything and was prepared to spend billions to accommodate his sons any wish so he asked what the son wanted. Without even a pause the son said he wanted a whole truck full of Pink Ping Pong balls. The father had put up with a few years of wondering and had to ask what the son did with the Pink Ping Pong balls. The son looked at the father for a few seconds the responded. "Don't worry I will tell you in due time."
Albeit very curious about the Pink Ping Pong balls the father respect his son and stopped asking. The day of the party the they where all transported to the surface of Mars and met the real Martians. The daughters of the king of Mars offered themselves to the son in sexual ways. I mean he is 18 now. After he had his way with them they filleted themselves and presented eachother to be eaten by the son. After the meal which tasted rather like a good smoked venison stake, they returned home it was time to open the presents. the frozen head of Walt Disney and a true recreation of Lola bunny for future sexual release set aside as the father showed the son the semi truck full of Pink Ping Pong balls. The son was ecstatic about this wonderful gift far more then another thing he had received. The boy when into the the back of the truck and closed the door. When he left out from the back of the truck five hours later the truck was completely empty not a Pink Ping Pong ball in site.
Another year passes and the father knew he needed to out do himself. The father again asked the son what he wanted hesitant of the answer. Immediately the son responded with how he wanted a whole warehouse full of Pink Ping Pong balls. The father knew he had to find out what his son did with the Pink Ping Pong balls but still didn't want to invade his son's privacy. So he hatches a plan.
The day of the party they enter a sub and went to the Lost City of the Mirmaids. And met this queen of the city. The queen slept with the son then offered her daughter as food for the feast. The son saw the daughters beauty and rejected her offer to eat her and subsequently had sex with the princess. Still a hunger the son asked the queen if she wouldn't replace her daughter as the main course and the queen reluctantly agreed. A nice white fish mixed with a succulent stake, both the son and the Princess enjoyed the meal. And the son promised to keep in contact.
The father brought them back to the surface. As it was time to open the gifts. After opening his platinum Suit of armor and a working lightsaber. The father led the son to a car that would drive the son to the Son to the warehouse. The driver was instructed by the father to ask about what the son was doing in the warehouse and with the Pink Ping Pong balls.
As they drove the driver asked questions artfully. But alas the son skillfully doged the questions and the driver was left without an answer. They pulled up to the ware house and the son got out. He instructed the driver not to enter the warehouse and to return in the morning. Out from the window the driver saw that the warehouse was in fact full to the brim with Pink Ping Pong balls. In the morning the driver returned to see that the warehouse house was in fact empty. Later the father hired people to scoure the residence. But not a single Pink Ping Pong ball was to be found.
Now the father was so curious that he had to find out be damned his sons privacy so he planed to set up cameras and do whatever it took to find out next year. But about a month before his birthday the son was in a terrible accident and was put on life support. The father stayed by his son every day and eventually the son did indeed wake up. The father distraught over his sons predicament told him that he would get the son anything anything he wanted. The son through his emense pain managed to ask "Father... dear Father can... You please... Get me... One Pink Ping Pong ball."
The father blindsided by his sons request blurts out "damn it what do you do with those damn Pink Ping Pong balls?"
The son repostions himself because of the pain before responding "I will tell you after you bring me the Pink Ping Pong ball"
The father calls up the man that had gotten the other Pink Ping Pong balls and requested one more. If nothing else he would finally know about the Pink Ping Pong balls. The father contact brings the last Pink Ping Pong ball and the father sets it in front of the son. "Now tell me... What... What is it that you do with those Pink Ping Pong balls?"
"Well... I.... Use the.... Pink... Ping... Pong...... Ballls.... For........" and the son dies from his injuries
This post was edited on 3/27/17 at 8:54 pm
Posted on 3/27/17 at 9:20 pm to Breesus
Grammar/TLTR for literates ban?
Please help me expedite this process.
Please help me expedite this process.
Posted on 3/27/17 at 9:26 pm to Breesus
frick you
I read every... frickin.... word
I read every... frickin.... word
Posted on 3/27/17 at 9:30 pm to foshizzle
I would have asked for a wand more powerful than any in existence, then the power to resurrect the dead and third a cloak of invisibility so death can never find me.
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